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Jeff Koopersmith

qWagmire For Dummies!
The Iraq Study Group Report: Another Disgrace for the Nation
By Jeff Koopersmith

December 7, 2006 -- Geneva (apj.us) -- I spent the better part of this morning and afternoon reading "qWagmire For Dummies" -- or, as it is officially known, the much-touted "Study Group Report on Iraq" -- written by a bipartisan committee of prominent recovering Iraq war supporters led by the original silly boy puppet, James A. Baker III, and Lee H. Hamilton, token Democrat. The remaining roster of co-chairs is a veritable "Who WAS Who in Beltway Shenanigans":

• Lawrence S. Eagleburger (occasional irritating pundit-commmentator on CNN);
• Vernon E. Jordan, Jr. (a wonderful guy who must have been annoyed with this group and is far ahead of them in the intellect department);
• Edwin Meese III...HUH? Ed Meese? You must be joking! Meese was the subject of investigations by the United States Office of Independent Counsel on two occasions, knowingly participated in the Iran-Contra scandal, and was forced out as Attorney General of the United States. And who could forget the "Meese Commission," which investigated, of all things, pornography (thank the Lord!), with Meese himself urging that Playboy Magazine be banned. And guess who his buddy was in the 1980s? Why, none other than our now-humiliated friend, EX-ambasshole to the UN John Bolton, who defended Meese when he tried to tell America that investigating White House officials re Iran-Contra was "unconstitutional!;
• Sandra Day O'Connor, Who personally delivered the White House to George W. Bush as the deciding vote on the Supreme Court, much to her should-be disgrace;
• Leon E. Panetta, seemingly always annoyingly around;
• William J. Perry, Secretary of Defense under Bill Clinton for three years;
• Charles S. Robb, Democrat and former U.S. Senator who could well have been president, and;
• Alan K. Simpson -- they don't call him "Crazy Al" on the Hill for nothing.

I must admit that I know little about Lee Hamilton, save that he chaired the VERY House committee that investigated Iran-Contra and nailed Ed Meese. What are we to make of that?

More importantly, what do we make of the "Report?"

Well, the bottom line is that this gaggle of has-beens, would-bes and maybes has decided that the White House is full of idiots who have, in _every_ sense, failed in their pathetic attempt to bring democracy (and more importantly, unfettered Western values) to Iraq, a largely Islamic nation.

In general, the "Iraq Study Group" groped around for a way to save the nation's face while not slapping the President in his impudent face -- at least not to the average moron. Anyone with a half-decent high school education can see quite clearly, however, that Bush has now been made the laughingstock of the planet inasmuch as this team of investigators have not found even a scintilla of evidence that Mr. Bush was or is capable of doing much more than bombing the bejeezus out of a far-away nation.

Mr. Bush's stubborn pledge to "stay the course" has been derailed -- so much so that I watched Tony Snow lie to the White House Press Corps, making the absurd claim that Bush dropped that slogan months ago. Tony Snow must be smoking crack.

At any rate, here is my list of insults aimed at the President and everyone in his cabinet contained in the report.
And make NO mistake: just because this group attempted to help Bush save face by agreeing with his goals for Iraq, they are clearly saying that he and his idiot group of advisors lack the talent, time, money or anything else to accomplish what most -- including me -- describe as a pipe dream.

1) "The situation in Iraq is grave and deteriorating."

2) "There is a new way forward." (Wait until you read what IT is!)

3) "The global standing of the United States could suffer if Iraq descends further into chaos."
This is a DEFINING remark in this ridiculous and shameless report. "Could" suffer? Are they joking? Do these idiots think that the reputation of the United States is intact? In any way? Anywhere?

4) "Al Qaeda would depict our withdrawal as a historic victory."
Memo to James Baker: Al Qaeda is ALREADY depicting our non-withdrawal as their victory!

5) "The longer the United States remains in Iraq without progress, the more resentment will grow among Iraqis."
Really? Ya think?

6) Iraqis have no basic security of government services."

7) Iraq's neighbors don't help them - at all.

8) Al Qaeda is responsible for only a SMALL portion of violence in Iraq!
Yes, so small that no one has proved this as yet.

9) Sunnis run Iraq.

10) There are only 1,300 foreign fighters in Iraq -- not the millions the media and the White House would like us to think there are.

11) Sunni v. Shi'a kills and maims almost all Iraqis -- not insurgents from elsewhere.

12) 40% of the population is at risk so high that it is not describable.
Do the math: that's 11 MILLLION people. Don't listen to the White House telling you that the violence is only in four provinces -- they are the four largest in population, and comparable to the New York, Chicago, and San Francisco of the fragmented nation.

13) The description of the Iraqi army in the report is a total distortion. The report claims there are 118 Battalions! Sure there are. The only problem is that none of them are loyal to anyone in the Iraqi government or the U.S.

14) These army units have no equipment, lack leaders, and are filled with criminals.

15) The United States has no idea who or what makes up the Iraqi police: "The Facilities Protection Service poses additional problems. Each Iraqi ministry has an armed unit, ostensibly to guard the ministry's infrastructure. All together, these units total roughly145,000 uniformed Iraqis under arms. However, these units have questionable loyalties and capabilities. In the ministries of Health, Agriculture, and Transportation -- controlled by Moqtada al-Sadr -- the Facilities Protection Service is a source offunding and jobs for the Mahdi Army. One senior U.S. official described the Facilities Protection Service as 'incompetent, dysfunctional, or subversive.' Several Iraqis simply referred to them as militias. police have been unable or unwilling to stop such infiltration and continuing violence."

16) LIE: "Iraq is a sovereign state with a democratically elected Council of Representatives."
This is a quote. Later, the report "mentions" that millions of Iraqis did not take part in the elections, that the ballots were made up from hundreds of crazy political parties invented by all sorts of crazies, fringe groups, and of course religious leaders who kill Americans and Iraqis at the drop of a hat.

17) "The composition of the Iraqi government is basically sectarian." Gee, really?

18) "Iraqi President Maliki has publicly rejected a U.S. timetable to achieve certain benchmarks, ordered the removal of blockades around Sadr City, sought more control over Iraqi security forces, and resisted U.S. requests to move forward on reconciliation or on disbanding Shiite militias. The most powerful Shia figures in Iraq do not hold national office. Of the following three vital power brokers in the Shia community, the United States is unable to talk directly with one, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and does not talk to another, Moktada al-Sadr."
Gee, this is terrific! It's more proof that we really have our boys and girls safe in Iraq and that we are using great diplomatic skill!

19) Sunni insurgents will not lay down arms unless the Shia militias are disarmed.

20) The Iraqi government is not effectively providing its people with basic services: electricity, drinking water, sewage, health care, and education. First, the government sometimes provides services on a sectarian basis. For example, in one Sunni neighborhood of Shia-governed Baghdad, there is less than two hours of electricity each day and trash piles are waist-high. Baghdad is run like a "Shia dictatorship."

21) Economic development is hobbled by insecurity, corruption, lack of investment, dilapidated infrastructure, and uncertainty.

22) The United States has people "embedded" in several Iraqi ministries, but it confronts problems with access and sustain-ability. Moktada al-Sadr objects to the U.S. presence in Iraq, and therefore the ministries he controls -- Health, Agriculture, and Transportation -- will not work with Americans

23) American and other contractors are thieves: "Substantial reconstruction funds have also been provided to contractors, and the Special Inspector General for Iraq Re-construction has documented numerous instances of waste and abuse. They have not all been put right."

24) To date, the United States has spent roughly $400 billion on the Iraq War, and costs are running about $8 billion per month.
That's $1,300 for every man woman and child living in America -- PLUS $26 dollars per month accruing for every man, woman, and child in the United States. In the end the bill for every man, woman and child might be as high as $14,000 dollars PER PERSON. That means that an average family of four will spend, one way or another, $56,000 (2006) dollars to pay off Bush's war! That would buy each family great health care for a decade -- even at inflated American prices.!

25) Ambassadors from neighboring countries told the panel that they fear the distinct possibility of Sunni-Shia clashes across the Islamic world.
Translation: Bush threatens to destabilize the world.

26) An Iraqi official told the panel, "Al Qaeda is now a franchise in Iraq, like McDonald's."

27) More troops won't help.
Won't help? Are they joking? Of course they would -- IF we sent one million men and women into Iraq with shoulder fired missiles. maybe then, we could keep the peace.

28) Drum roll, please... here's THE NEW WAY FORWARD for a laugh:
a. A New Diplomatic Offensive:
i. Regional and international initiatives and steps to assist the Iraqi government?
ii. _Energize_ countries to support national political reconciliation in Iraq.
iii. _Validate_ Iraq's legitimacy by resuming diplomatic relations, where appropriate, and reestablishing embassies in Baghdad.
iv. _Assist_ Iraq in establishing active working embassies in key capitals in the region (for example, in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia).
v. Assist the Iraqi government in achieving certain security
vi. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: the United States and the Iraqi government should support the holding of a conference or meeting in Baghdad of the Organization of the Islamic Conference or the Arab League both to assist the Iraqi government in promoting national reconciliation in Iraq and to reestablish their diplomatic presence in Iraq.
If this wasn't so pathetic, so reaching, so unrealistic, it might fool some of us. However, if you substitute the word _blackmail_ for the words energize, validate and assist, you'll have the plan pretty well down.

29) BUSH THREATENS OUR WAY OF LIFE: 'If the instability in Iraq spreads to the other Gulf States, a drop in oil production and exports could lead to a sharp increase in the price of oil and thus could harm the global economy."
Are they serious? "Harm" the global economy? Are they kidding? How about _destroy_ the global economy?

30) Here's a great one: "Syria can establish hotlines to exchange information with the Iraqis."
WOW! Now that's an idea that worked for people considering suicide! Didn't it?

31) The Secretary of State, Condi Rice, if not the President, should lead the U.S. effort.
Now that is hilarious! Let's give the job to Rice (who has destroyed everything she's touched) -- or the President himself (certainly the guy holding and having created this mess). Yes, let's them either or them -- or BOTH -- lead the way!

32) Iran has provided arms, financial support, and training for Shiite militias within Iraq, as well as political support for Shia parties. There are also reports that Iran has supplied improvised explosive devices to groups -- including Sunni Arab insurgents -- that attack U.S. forces.
a. One leading Sunni politician told us, "If you turn over any stone in Iraq today, you will find Iran underneath."

33) BONUS CLOSET ANTI-SEMITE SECTION: Read between the lines!
a. Several Iraqi, U.S., and international officials commented to us that Iraqi opposition to the United States -- and support for Sadr -- spiked in the aftermath of Israel's bombing campaign in Lebanon.
b. United States (must) deal directly with the Arab-Israeli conflict. This commitment must include direct talks with, by, and between Israel, Lebanon, Palestinians (those who accept Israel's right to exist), and particularly Syria -- which is the principal transit point for shipments of weapons to Hezbollah, and which supports radical Palestinian groups.
c. Get this! The purpose of these meetings would be to negotiate peace as was done at the Madrid Conference in 1991
Right -- fifteen years ago. That worked real well.

Well, this is enough, for now. It's a brief outline of the first 50 pages of the 160 page report. If you want to laugh -- or projectile vomit -- a little more, read the rest at C-SPAN (big .pdf).

JEFF KOOPERSMITH is a political consultant, opinion research authority, policy analyst, and self-described "renegade lobbyist."

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