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Rick Santorum and Sean Hannity...
Saving the USA, One Degraded WMD At a Time!
by Steve Young
June 26, 2006–HOLLYWOOD (apj.us)–We have found weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq, chemical weapons," said Rick Santorum.
"Democrats have to apologize!" proclaimed Sean Hannity.
Thank God for Rick Santorum.
Thank God for Sean Hannity.
Damn you, you Cut & Run™ Defense Department, for deflating this America-first
discovery by announcing that we already knew of these munitions and they were
just aging chemical munitions that had degraded so much to be useless.
Aging makes something useless? Try telling that to Goldie Hawn.
Sure, these WMD were so dangerous Saddam would practically have had to personally
smear the mustard gas on our faces to make it effective. But Saddam gassed
his owned civilians in the 1980s, and he still has hands with which he could
smear mustard on his guards' eyes and escape. And if there is still buried
mustard gas, how much of a reach is there to believe there is also buried ketchup
gas, let alone all the other condiment gasses that, once we cleaned off the
dirt, could destroy the civilized world.
If not for these two true-blue patriots, and our invasion into Iraq, no telling
how many things from the 20th century could have exploded in our collective
faces...when, no if, a terrorist gets close enough to smear them on us.
Hula hoops that could get stuck on Sean's head stifling the blood to his brain...again.
Slinkys getting tangled up so badly that they'd be practically unusable for
American kids.
Ford Pintos that could blowup by the softest rear end collision from poorly
armored American Humvees.
Tony Danza sitcoms we could be forced to watch.
Ishtar. Rocky 5.
Smell-O-Vision.
Chocolate filled straws that taste like medicine.
Elizabeth Berkley.
Milli Vanilli.
Michael Jackson's nose job.
Leisure suits.
New Coke.
Pictures of Donald Rumsfeld handing over sarin gas to a younger and more vibrant
Saddam.
There's just no telling what pre-1991 WMD buried over there that could have
brought on the Apocolypse.
So the next time you make fun of Santorum or Hannity, remember, it's your children
that could be walking around worrying that the next time they want to put on
mustard on their hot dog, they could be helping the terrorists.
I, for one... apologize.
Steve Young is a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Foundation' Political Husbandry Conservation Centre and Stereo Repair. In his spare time, he is also an author, comedy writer, columnist, LA talk show host and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."(What? You STILL haven't bought it? Then visit http://www.greatfailure.com/) and the forthcoming "15 Minutes". You can also check out the satirical side of Steve every Sunday in the LA Daily News.
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