Opinion • Invective • Satire • Snark |
TNT Radio
Now available as a podcast
Melinda Pillsbury-Foster talks with APJ's editor-in-chief Gene Gaudette about Neocon Sociopathy, the John Fund debacle and the future of Congress
Hurry, Mr. President...
STOP ME Before I Burn the Flag in My Assless Chaps!*
by Steve Young
June 4, 2006—HOLLYWOOD (apj.us)—First off, understand that I am not gay nor have ever desecrated the American flag...
... yet.
But if something isn't legislated soon, I don't know how long it'll be before I head down to my local leather shop to suit up and put a match to Old Glory.
"Old Glory." There you go. A few days ago I would have called the flag "The Stars and Stripes." Anyone with a scintilla of flag history behind them knows that the term "Old Glory" was coined by Navy Captain William Driver, a 19th century ship master. Sailor. Ship. Do I have to draw you a Village People map?
Finally, our president and a solid 33% of our legislators are standing up for what is right, no matter how many of conservative core voters come out to vote Republican this November.
Thank you, Mr. Bush–and Mr. Frist–for standing up in support of the Federal Marriage Amendment. For if it is not passed, how soon before gay men who married each other would start having gay babies? How many extremely well-built, extremely attractive men who know how to dress well are being wasted on other men? How soon before gay women start marrying and stop having that hot, single, lesbian sex that straight men love to watch?
Those who mock the proposed Constitutional amendment seem to have overlooked the fact that the legislation does not say gays cannot marry. They just would not be able to marry each other. How big an exclusion is that? I would have loved to marry Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas, but that didn't work out. Should she have been forced to marry me when she was single? I can't marry people who are already married to someone else. Should Michael Douglas be forced to make Katherine available now... no matter how much she would want that? Do you hear me complaining about changing the law? I mean, a law that I agree with?
There's no denying a slippery slope. If we allow a man to marry a man how soon will it be before bisexuals will be allowed to marry each other? If we allow women to marry women, Mary Cheney may never have the opportunity to marry a man. How soon before Ellen marries the Dixie Chicks? And with all the men marrying men and women marrying women, the sanctity of marriage would suffer so immeasurably that there would leave insufficient time or opportunity for Rush Limbaugh to keep getting married.
We have to focus on the country's vital objectives. The sooner we stop gays from marrying the sooner we can bring the troops home, the sooner we stop desecrating the flag, the sooner that the Homeland Security Department can become competent and keep bureaucracy from desecrating the safety of Americans at home.
Let us no longer let gays or flag burners divide our country. Let's give that job to the Constitution.
*How the flag got in my assless chaps I'll never know.
Steve Young is a Senior Fellow at the Extreme Far Centrist Foundation' Political Husbandry Conservation Centre and Stereo Repair. In his spare time, he is also an author, comedy writer, columnist, LA talk show host and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful."(What? You STILL haven't bought it? Then visit http://www.greatfailure.com/). You can also check out the satirical side of Steve every Sunday in the LA Daily News.
Search the APJ Site Archive