Steve's Bogus Lawsuit News of the Day
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Liberal Judges Will Be the Ruin of Civilization
...at least the comedy part
by Steve Young

August 28, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- I should have seen this coming. It was just too good.

Did I really think these damn liberal judges would allow the Bill-O'Reilly-induced, FOX News Channel lawsuit against Al Franken for allegedly using the FOX trademarked slogan, "Fair And Balanced," in the title of his just released book, "Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair And Balanced Look At The Right"?

It was a case that people falsely believed was just an instance of Bill O'Reilly's actual thin skin showing, and supposedly demonstrated that his hammering on guests -- who lacked his power over the volume control and who disagreed with him -- showed that his heretofore supposed bravado was just the same weakness that he ascribed to his quivering opponents.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That would be a ludicrous as saying FOX News leans right. This was a simple case of trademark infringement.

Yet Judge Dennis Chin, an obvious leftist, said that the book is a parody protected by the first amendment.

He actually said the case was an easy one to decide as it was "wholly without merit, both factually and legally."

What about comically?

This case had months of potential side-splitting laughs written all over it. This was considerably better comedically than the California recall. This was going to be an overflowing hotbed for clever satire. The recall is just burlesque. Too easy. Even Dennis Miller, FOX's answer to HBO's Dennis Miller, had a difficult time spinning more than a four syllable adjective without first admitting, "Sorry folks. Arnold, Arianna, Coleman. Recall material is sinking faster on the raillery scale than my self-imploding relevance."

The recall is Chevy Chase to this case's Johnny Carson, "Unhappily Ever After" to "Seinfeld," Garth Brooks to Albert Brooks.

Andy Rooney would never have to write another commentary. The FOX News legal department was writing it for him. We'd all be Art Buchwald.

Even Dave Barry and Carrot Top could've been funny.

...naah! I'm kiddin'!

But now, with a single deft blow to the humor-plexus, Al Franken and Penguin Publishing's ability to run off another million copies during a protracted court battle has been quashed in mid-giggle. Perhaps next time FOX's legal team will just deposit the cash directly into Franken's account.

But it could have been grand.

Who will ever forget Bill O'Reilly's fully-controlled, sharp-tongued, "Shut up! SHUT! UP!" rebuttal to Franken's "increasingly unfunny" attempt to paint the No-Spin One an ungodly shade of evil.

Tsk-tsk.

At a book expo yet.

We weren't mining comedy gold here. We had struck pure plutonium.

Tell me that Vince McMahon wasn't salivating at the potential. The O'Reilly v. Franken war had WWE, sold-out stadium tour written all over it. Not since Jerry "The King" Lawler pile-drove Andy "The Bleeder" Kaufman's head into the mat has blood-lusting and comedy mixed so organically.

This would have been so much more than William Buckley letting the hyperbole fly in his legendary tit for tat with Gore Vidal or Timothy Leary throwing Lucy's Diamonds at Gordon Liddy. Not only would the laughs have been unrelenting, but it would have set up a whole new realm of concert programming.

Just imagine -- Rush "ESPN " Limbaugh versus Janeane "Balls of Hercules" Garofalo or Tim "Not In The Hall of Fame" Robbins vs. Sean "Guestus Interruptous" Hannity.

And you don't have to be a top dog to get on the lineup. Consider Al Sharpton taking on Alan Keyes in a fun-filled "Presidential Hopefuls with the Best Sound Bites But No Chance" debate tour.

But that ACLU-butt-lickin' judge put an end to it all the fun.

And now as FOX in Shecky's clothing goes whimpering off to consider its next brilliant legal move, the comedy writers of the world will actually have to start working.

Now let's see...

The answer is "Cruz Bustamante."

The question: "What does one do first before trying to pick up the Lt. Governor?"

Damn you, Judge Denny Chin!

And damn your hatred of our constitutional rights to damn funny material!

Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) www.greatfailure.com , an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz."

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz"", and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press -- check out the web site at http://www.greatfailure.com). He writes a regular column for Jewish World Review".