Fleischer At Rest
by Alan Bisbort

July 15, 2003 -- HARTFORD (apj.us) -- As the dog days of summer commenced, it was with great sadness that the White House press corps said goodbye to Ari Fleischer, George W. Bush's director of miscommunications.

Fleischer has left to enter the "private sector" and to bask in the afterglow of his recent marriage, which is the living proof of the old adage "There's a lid for every pot."

Right about now, the White House journalists are like stray dogs at the pound, baying pitifully for their new master to come along to stroke their collective neck, toss them tasty treats, put them on leashes and walk them around twice a day.

But let's leave them there, knee deep in the credibility gap of their own making, and jump, some weeks into the future, to the connubially blissed out Fleischer home. The following is a highly likely scenario that will soon be playing out therein.

Scene: At the dinner table, after the dishes are cleared. (Ari's words are taken from an actual press conference transcript; his wife's are imagined).

Ari's Wife: Mmm, this dessert looks delicious, Ari. Is it a Fleischer Family recipe?

Ari: We've long acknowledged -- and this is old news, we've said this repeatedly -- that the information on yellow cake did, indeed, turn out to be incorrect.

Ari's Wife: But that's not what I asked.

Ari: I'm sorry. Let me back up on that and explain.

Ari's Wife: No, don't back up. You'll fall out of your chair again. Just tell me what you used to make this yellow cake. Did you use real lemons?

Ari: When I refer to yellow cake I refer to Niger...

Ari's Wife: Ari! I won't have you using that word in this house! Have you been a naughty boy? Have you been listening to your Richard Pryor records again?

Ari: I'm sorry...I said Niger, not nig...you know, not that word that Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott liked to use.

Ari's Wife: Whatever. Just tell me what's in this yellow cake, for crying out loud.

Ari: The information about the yellow cake and Niger was not specifically known prior to the State of our Union.

Ari's Wife: Oh, you found the recipe since our wedding? Well, why didn't you share it with me, you silly boy?

Ari: My statement was based on the predicate of the yellow cake from Niger. So given the fact that the report on the yellow cake did not turn out to be accurate, that is reflective of my broader statement. So, yes, the broader statement was based and predicated on the yellow cake from Niger.

Ari's Wife: Let me see if I have this right. This delicious, though somewhat radioactive dessert that we are enjoying, was imported from Africa? Oh Ari! You don't have to go to such lengths to impress me. I was impressed that you even had a job...Uh, speaking of which, are you planning to get a job soon, honey?

Ari: The information turned out to be bogus involving the report on the yellow cake.

Ari's Wife: Enough on the yellow cake for a minute, sweetie. It is delicious, no getting around that and I don't care if it wasn't imported from Africa. I asked you about going out and getting a job. I can't have you laying about the house taking calls from that little cowboy. He isn't even paying you anymore. You're doing it because you don't know how to say 'no'. You don't know how to make a straight statement at all, do you?

Ari: Well, there is zero, nada, nothing new here.

Ari's Wife: Oh, Ari! You haven't even opened the classified section of the Washington Times in a week. How do you know there's nothing new if you won't occasionally check the job listings? You sit around moaning and watching C-Span all day or you pace the halls talking to the dogs. You have to get a grip and make the first step. So what specifically are you going to do now?

Ari: Specifically on the yellow cake, the yellow cake for Niger?

Ari's Wife: No! Stop with the yellow cakes and the African recipes!

Ari: We've acknowledged that that information did turn out to be a forgery. That is not new. You can go back. You can look it up. Dr. Rice has said it repeatedly. I've said it repeatedly.

Ari's Wife: Dr. Rice. So SHE'S the one that fired you! Ahhhh, it's all becoming clear to me now. Just for that, you have to clear the table and wash the dishes.

[Ari's Wife pushes her chair back and gets up to leave the room]

Ari: Let me do this. On your specific question I'm going to come back and post the specific answer.

Ari's Wife [muttering to herself]: Good God almighty, my mother told me there'd be days like this. Come to think of it, Ari's mother told me there'd be days like this...

[End of scene, Ari's face lit by a self-satisfied smile, as he wipes the beads of sweat from his glistening dome]

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His most recent book, written with Parke Puterbaugh, is California Beaches, 3rd edition (Avalon/Foghorn Outdoors).