Steve's Graduation News of the Day
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COLLABORATIVE COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
‘03 Graduates Have Myriad Advice To Choose From
by Steve Young

July 5, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- Parents, teachers, administration, graduates, groundskeeper Willie. As you move from these hallowed halls and on with the rest of your life, the challenges you will face will be many. Therefore, in the best interest of you (and the world), we've asked a number of speakers to provide you with the wisdom necessary for you to make the next chapter of your life as interesting a read as possible.

They are, in no significant order:

George Bush - Say what you must to get what you want. If anyone has a problem with that, say what you must. If anyone has a problem with that, say what you must. I'm telling ya, it really works.

Hillary Clinton - There will be some bumps along the way, but even if you end up being the center of a federal investigation, have a miserable marriage and half the country hate you, not to worry. You could always write a book about it.

Eminem - F*** everyone, then write a song about it.

J.K. Rowling - Go on the dole and write lots of books..

Simon Cowell - The possibilities are plentiful... but not for you. Your potential is absolutely dreadful. Go back through high school, elementary school if necessary, and this time listen. Then again, perhaps you ought to forget about even trying. We'll be a better world for your lack of participation in it.

Sammy Sosa - If life does not give you the goals you seek, seek out a way to make greater your success. Sometimes it will be talent. Sometimes it will be effort. Sometimes it will be perseverance. But, if none of those work to your satisfaction, don't give up. Just take everything you've learned, put it together with all the experience you've attained, and then...cheat.

Michael Moore - Life is like a documentary. You live it, then you rewrite it to say what you want others to think it was.

John Ashcroft - Whatever you do with your life, never let anyone else find out about it.

Anna Nicole Smith - Work as hard as you can to be the best person you could be, then marry someone richer and elderly -- preferably terminally ill. The, if you have the time, make a fool of yourself on TV. It'll be a hoot.

Bill O'Reilly - Always give your adversaries the last word, but never make it your last word..

Rush Limbaugh - Make sure you only tell the truth, but if you can't, never let your adversarial facts be heard, then at least it will seem like you're telling the truth. Makes telling the truth a lot easier

Michael Savage - Act like a complete asshole and if nothing else you'll sell books and MSNBC will hire you .

Rick Santorum - Do whatever you want with your life, just don't do it in your bedroom.

Dixie Chicks - Speak your mind, even if what you say brings a storm of protest. The worst that will happen is that you'll have to pose nude on the cover of some national magazine. After that...you'll be back on top.

Saddam Hussein - Life is about doing the right thing...and getting rid of anyone who doesn't agree. And if you nothing to hide, make sure that everyone believes you do

Bill Clinton - Never, ever give up. Even when everyone else says your time is up, keep going. It will give you something to do and will drive your enemies nuts.

Martha Stewart - Never listen to friends' advice, but if you must, for God's sake, wait a couple days before you do.

Now... go forth into the world. We've screwed it up for you. See what you can do to straighten it out. We appreciate it.

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz" and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press). Check out his Web site at www.greatfailure.com.