Steve's* Triple-Header of the Day
*An extreme far-centrist foundation!
Freedom of Speech Is a Two-way Street
It's a Goose and Gander Thing Plus! It's 1984 in 2003
and... Iraqi TV
by Steve Young

May 6, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- I just can't seem to put the whole thing to rest.

I was a big fan.

I would have traveled far and long just to listen. Sometimes, and I have to admit, it's a little embarrassing, I would just go to look. Y'know, hot is hot.

Then came the affront.

A cut so deep it was almost anti-American; a statement so grossly insulting against Americans. Hell, it was anti-American. This truly was an outrage. An outrage committed against a country at a time of crisis. At a time when we should be all be pulling together. At a time to put aside out petty little animosities.

Worst of all, it felt so damn personal.

But in a single statement spewed out in a moment of political certainty, the world had changed. I'm sure it was meant to inspire the choir. To quench the thirst of the, "If I get divorced will my wife still be my sister?" crowd; to satisfy the person with the sign on her tooth that reads, "next tooth 1 mile." But with that single mean-spirited utterance, argued to be acceptable because of freedom of speech, must come the consequences.

As our beloved president said, "Freedom of speech is a two-way street," which is obviously why it doesn't exist in most of Manhattan.

So it is that I am here to announce...

I'm no longer buying another Rick Santorum CD.

And I'm not stopping there.

My friends and other NPR listeners are getting behind the rightful rallies to crush all the amendments Santorum has ever brought to the Senate floor under the wheels of our fuel-saving non-SUV vehicles.

Even more, I'm turning in my tickets to the next Santorum appearance and instead going to the Tim Robbins/Susan Sarandon Film Festival, which I believe will be playing at the same time in a nearby theater.

Let the whining Right complain. But whenever they want to speak out against Bill Maher's seeming anti-military, anti-American comments, where it's okay to barrage advertisers and thereby move Billy, alphabetically speaking, from ABC to HBO, it's okay. But if we just try to arrange boycotts to keep Dr. Laura from having her TV show, it's always "You're taking away our freedom of speech; our right to make a living."

And don't try that whole reverse publicity thing, like having Santorum pose nude on the cover of The American Spectator to attempt to reinvent himself, or go on shows like The O'Reilly Factor to make some lame mea culpa. With left-leaning spectacles we'll see right through it.

Hell, I say. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Now, I'm not really sure what the gander is but I kind of think it would be like, hypothetically, William "Book of Virtues" Bennett telling everyone how they should live their lives and how the lack of proper values sends out a terrible message to our children, and then went out and lost millions of dollars gambling... hypothetically.

It's not like Bennett is a Democrat or a liberal or any other of those others who are likely to excuse personal weaknesses and are inherently less moral than conservatives; or that casino sources and documents put his gambling losses at more than $8 million, even if they do; or that on

April 5 and 6, he lost more than $500,000 to the high-stakes, one-armed bandits at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, even if he did.

Sure, Bennett admits that he gambles and plays "fairly high stakes."

But Bennett also claims that for the most part he wins, which in itself certainly discounts gambling as a vice.

It's only when you lose that it's a vice. Right?

But let's suppose for the moment that Bennett did gamble and did lose and did send out a message that is morally injurious to our children -- should we then shout it from AM radio tower tops, and stop buying his books, and stop pushing his principles as the gospel in schools, and boycott his lectures and crush his tapes and videos under fuel-eating Hummers, then spend hours upon hours on "20/20" or "48 Hours" or any FOX News Channel show, pummeling him with question upon question about his conceivably hypocritical words and actions?

I can't be sure of the answer, but as our President has so accurately said, "Freedom of speech is a two-way street."

And then there's freedom of Newspeak.

In George Orwell's futuristic classic "1984," the Oceania nation's survival depended upon control of its subjects. In order to keep them in line, the government created a language called Newspeak. This language was designed so that it would be impossible for people to even think the wrong thing.

A Party member (sometimes referred to today as radio talk show host) who was called upon to make a political or ethical judgment was supposed to be able to spray forth the correct opinions as automatically as a machine gun spraying forth bullets. His training fitted him to do this, the language gave him an almost foolproof instrument, and the texture of the words, with their harsh sound and a certain willful ugliness, was in accord with the spirit of his party.

This fictional co-opting of language has come to nonfictional fruition as our political and cultural landscape has been cultivated to grow power for one viewpoint and direct demonization at its opposition.

Liberal once meant one who was tolerant and today stands for a reprehensible political philosophy.

Family Values which were meant to cover the positiveness of almost any family now only resides in the homes (and bedrooms) of the political Right.

Anti-War used to be the common sense attitude of almost everyone with half-a-mind now denotes the new anti-American.

Massive Amounts can be used to connote "minimal" or "nothing at all" when referring to certain weapon of monumental devastation.

Inclusion now may include only those who exclude those who were never meant to be included.

Now I'm not saying that designating good and evil for your own partisan means is a bad thing.

My goodness, isn't that what American politics is all about? What I am saying is that it's a waste of good co-opting skills when "1984" already did it for us.

Here are several examples of 1984 Newspeak that still apply today.

bellyfeel: a blind, enthusiastic acceptance of a concept. Example: "FOX News Channel speaks and listeners bellyfeel."

blackwhite: the ability to accept whatever the party or government tells you as fact. Orwell described it as a loyal willingness to say black is white when party discipline demands this and forget that one has ever believed the contrary. Example: "Tom DeLay blackwhites African-Americans getting a better shake with the GOP."

crimestop: the power of not grasping analogies, of failing to perceive logical errors, of misunderstanding the simplest reasoning that promulgate the resistance positively (aka crimethink). Example: "Dittoheads crimestop Rush's rationalizing that Saddam didn't use WMD on our troops because it would prove Saddam was a liar."

doublethink: The power to hold two completely contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accept both of them. Example: "Bush's doublethink tax cut which will minimally affect the middle class will help the middle class because the top 4% who will be benefiting greatly and already have reserve funds that they are not investing in the middle class will now use these additional funds to invest in the middle class." (Note: This may have fallen into the triple or quadruplespeak territory)

goodsex: Sex for the purpose of producing children for the party. Example: "Senator Santorum believes that the only good sex is goodsex.".

Goldstein, Emmanuel: The supreme enemy of the state. Embodiment of pure evil. He was once a high-ranking member of the state. Goldstein is to the party what Satan is to Christianity. Example: "Emmanuel Goldstein had sexcrime with that Monica Lewinsky girl so he probably did everything else bad too." Alternative exmple: "New York Senator Mrs. Emmanuel Goldstein has thick ankles and will hurt your children."

malreported: When a newspaper reports a fact which the government later deemed untrue. You see, the government is never "wrong", the paper merely reported the facts incorrectly. This term was often used in describing newspaper articles that contained references to unfulfilled economic projections or altered government policies. Example: "The New York and LA Times malreported that the reason we invaded Iraq was that there were massive weapons of mass destruction that could wipe out all our children and our children's children."

oldthink: Holding on to old ideas and patterns of thought not consistent with current government policy. Maintaining a belief that is no longer acceptable, but was normal just a few years prior. Example: "You want to debate issues instead of slamming your opponent personally? You are such an oldthinker."

prolefeed: Rubbishy "Entertainment" and spurious news which the Party handed out to the masses. Example: "I can't wait to hear what prolefeed Murdoch has to broadcast today."

resistance: The resistance was the revolutionary group which was supposedly led by the arch-traitor, Emmanuel Goldstein. There is some question as to whether or not this group actually existed. The only thing that is for sure is that the party blamed every possible woe of society on this group. (Sometimes known as liberal.) Example: "How in the world will they ever win an election if Tom Daschle is the face of the resistance?"

sexcrime: Having sex for enjoyment. Also, even having sex in the hope to create a family of your own. Example: "Honey, I think the kids are asleep. Want to sexcrime?"

thinkpol: ThoughtPolice. People in charge of eliminating crimethink. Example: "If Bill Bennett were in charge of Thinkpol we wouldn't have to worry about any more Emmanuel Goldsteins or their wives ruining America."

two minute hate: Daily telescreen specials in which various elements of crimethink were packaged into a parade of horrible images and sounds, at which, under the subterfuge of so-called balance, the viewers were expected to boo, hiss, curse. and release any negative emotions upon. Example: "Next on Hannity and Colmes, here's two minute hate with Alan Colmes."

versificator: A writing device that produced "literature" for the masses. This was necessary so that a party member would not be forced to

cloud their mind with such frivolous concepts. It produced trashy newspapers and books containing almost nothing except anti-resistance verse. Example: "Did you read the most recent Ann Coulter tome promoted by Richard Mellon Versificator?"

So what do you say? Let's stop wasting all our time with hating our neighbors who don't agree with us. Let's just charge 'em with sexcrimes, and turn 'em over to Thinkpol.

And speaking of newthink:a 24-hour satellite television network aimed at changing hearts and minds throughout Iraq and the Middle East is to be chock full of American-style morning chat-shows, sports, news and children's programs is soon ready to clog the Arab airwaves.

American anchors in Baghdad.

American Idol in Tehran.

Regis and Kelly in Sulaimaniyah.

Now we're talking Democracy.

And you know darn well that FOX News Channel will be there. How do you say "fair and balanced" in Farsi?

The Middle Eastern Television Network, or MeTV, is run the US Broadcasting Board of Governors, a body of citizens appointed by the president. Norm Pattiz, one of those citizens and chairman of Westwood One, said that a full-service version should be broadcasting 24 hours a day to 22 countries in the Middle East by the end of the year. Being that Mr. Pattiz owns a couple of Los Angeles Lakers courtside seats (near Jack), don't be surprised if LA games show up on the MeTV menu.

Now American TV in Iraq is okay, but if you really want to give the Middle East a taste of good old U.S. of A culture and political action, we've got to go with the big guns. I'm talking American radio. To be more specific, American talk radio

(Note: For purposes of this article, any similarity to the fictional "host" depicted below and a combination of three actual talk show hosts is purely coincidental)

BUMPER MUSIC: "I'm A Lonely Frog" by Saudi Arabia's gravel-throated Mohammed Abdo.

HOST: Hello and good tidings. This is your duly-anointed humble servant with talent on loan from Allah, Sean O'Limbaugh, broadcasting with half my brain tied behind my dashiki, from Karbala to Kirkuk, Najaf to Nasiriyah, the Tigris to the Euphrates. Here on the Americatize Tour, all we ask is 24 hours a day. Today is No-Spin Open Line Friday. It's your show. We'll talk about anything you want to talk about that Sweet Baby Jameel decides to let through.

CALLER: Mega-dittos from Rio-Babylon, Sean. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been a registered Ba'th Party member for the last twenty years and voted for Saddam in the last election, but I have to say that I am really upset with the whole gassing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis thing. From now on I'm voting Republican.

HOST: The Liberal Media, like Connie Chung and Phil Donahue, who you might have noticed aren't even on the air because we beat the beejeebies out of them in the ratings, would have you believe that Saddam was the second coming of Gandhi, but truth be known, he was closer to Hitler. Even worse, Clinton. And when I say Clinton, I mean Hillary. And when I say Hillary I mean satin's infidel.

CALLER: Sean.

HOST: Yes.

CALLER: What's a Republican?

HOST: Just read my best selling book, "Let Freedom Invade," that I believe is on the New York Times best seller's list, which is about all the New York Times is good for. Isn't that right, Mr. Snerdly?

CALLER: What is it with these Arab women? Things were so much better when they were third class citizens walking ten steps behind. Now they want us to do away with honor killings and to be treated as if they are equals, or in the at least, like dogs It's nuts, I tell you.

HOST: Got to agree. It's the ACLU and these feminazis who have screwed it up for all women. Equality? I guess allowing women to become suicide bombers doesn't count anymore.

CALLER: Sean. It's Marty Bin Mohammed.

HOST: Marty!

CALLER: Sean, I'm worried about us not finding the weapons of mass destruction?

HOST: Not to worry, Marty. As soon as we get our boys out of there and get the NRA in, we'll get the WMD legalized for hunting and then they'll all be available at the next gun show.

CALLER: Sean. Lack of oil fires...good or bad?

HOST: I think the lack of oil fires have actually been rather...toxic. Do you realize how many Halliburton and Bechtel executives are unable to receive potential bonuses if there were more of them to put out.

CALLER: Before and during the war you really spoke extremely negatively about Islam and the Koran. What do you think about them now?

HOST: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if you check the tapes, what I said was that I only had problems with the Muslims from Hollywood. You know. Barbara Streisand and Tim Robbins.

Okay. You get the last word.

CALLER: But I have the tape and you did say...

HOST: Alright we'll be right back to crash the lines... Here's a word from Snapple. Hey, Flipper, why didn't you cut that guy off after I said "word?"

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director / writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz," contributing editor for the WGA's "Written By" magazine, and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) www.greatfailure.com , and writes assorted gems at JewishWorldReview.com.