Flush twice... it's a long way to Sally Quinn's place!

Pundit Pap for May 4, 2003
Smirk's "Top Bum" moment IGNORED by ABC!
by JJ Balzer

May 4, 2003 (NEW YORK) -- You would think that the network's weekend "political discussion shows" -- which these days serve as nothing more than a podium for Smirk's handlers to push the latest spin points -- would have been stumbling over themselves to play and replay and replay and replay and replay Junior in his cute little "Top Bum" Halloween costume.

Well... surprise! We only saw a few brief clips of General-sissymo Smirk in his military drag. Did Rove tell his obedient press whores that it won't look good long term? That it might remind Democrats and fence-sitters, say, that Sen. John Kerry, candidate for the Democratic nod for a run at the White House, is a REAL war hero while Junior was busy defending Houston airspace from the menace of Ho Chi Minh -- that is, when he wasn't bust DESERTING the Texas Air National Guard? Or might it be that the news that George the Lesser COULD have gone out on a chopper -- and DELAYED the return of the crew of the USS Abraham "Would be embarrassed to be a Republican today" Lincoln by nearly a day? Selfish, selfish Smirk.

We caught a number of the politically-themed shows Saturday and Sunday, and Faux Fighter Pilot Shrubbie was only shown in passing -- and caught a few veiled hints that the Dems know a "Dukakis moment" when they see it, no matter how much Chris "Softball" Matthews quasi-orgasmically spouts about Clueless Leader's manly manliness.

And one network didn't even pay attention to the event during interview time -- This Week host George Stephanopoulos had hosted yesterday's debate between Democratic presidential candidates, so naturally, ABC did nothing but talk about it.

Of course, it turned into another predictable circle-jerk of Democrat bashing, no doubt to mollify Karl Rove and Andy Card.

Here's the latest.

This Weak with George Stephanopoulos
Spinning Democrat "infighting"
Players:
George "Steph" Stephanopoulos, who looks like he got no sleep
Secretary of State Colin Powell, who looked the same way
Terry McAuliffe, DNC chairman
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-proven liar)

"Boy George" Stephanopoulos welcomed Colin Powell, giving him a practically open mike to praise and threaten Syria.

Powell sounded as if he has single-handedly roped Syrian president Bandar al Assad into taking key moves suppressing terrorist groups -- and since he is the closest thing Team Shrub has to an actual diplomat, we believe he did. Powell added that the US will monitor the results and Assad's "performance" -- a point he repeated incessantly throughout the appearance."It's a matter of his performing... we will be measuring performance, not assurances."

Steph tried to put the focus on groups such as Hezbollah, but Powell kept returning the discussion to Syria and the "clear message" to Assad: Saddam's gone, said Powell, and there will be a peace process between Israel and the Palestinians (read: the Palestinians we want to deal with). Powell pushed a tough stick (detailing lots of demands from the US) and a small carrot (Powell said there might be some benefits for Syria).

Powell's second mantra: "more positive direction." (Translation: comply, Assad, or else.)

As it turns out, Steph -- former Clinton team member turned toady for right-wing media giant Disney -- was the "immoderator" of yesterday's Democratic presidential debate. This Weak had not failed to make their first point about the debate Democratic "disunity" at the top of the broadcast.

Of course, one could have said the same about Republicans back in 1999 and 2000, what with such luminaries as Gary "Damien" Bauer, Alan "Mosh Pit" Keyes, Orrin "Music Man" Hatch and John "JJ" McCain sniping among themselves. But most of their sniping was about how much to cut taxes, how quickly to load the courts with pro-corporation, pro-big-brother judicial extremists, how many rights they felt Americans should be stripped of, and the most effective way to trash the most dangerous candidate in the bunch: John McCain, whose main issue was to in effect cut off the big campaign bucks that fuel Capitol Hill and K Street.

One should also note that the Democrats this time around, unlike the Republican circus that was shaping up four years ago, are in fact a field showing a wide diversity of ideas to deal with problems that actually affect people's lives.

Steph played some excerpts from the debate "proving" disunity over "national security" -- but Steph's questioning was flawed in that he tried to tie the invasion of Iraq -- a nation which did NOT threaten us -- with the overarching issue of national security -- can you say where's Osama and what about his successors?

Steph asked DNC boss Terry McAuliffe about Joe "Democrat in name only" Lieberman's comment that the debate hurt the party. Terry Mac essentially slapped little Steph down, explaining that the Dems are diverse (okay, we buy that -- but Terry should have blasted the GOP for being lockstep, inflexible, doctrinaire, and immoral in their continued pandering to racism and bigotry -- they are NOT the party of, say, Rick "Homophobe" Santorum).

Steph tried to claim that Dems are weak on defense -- but this time Terry Mac decided to go on the offensive and say that Americans "are tired of photo ops" like the Top Bum stunt that people saw on TV "in the afternoon because they don't have a job."

Yeah, bay-bee! In one fell swoop, Terry Mac managed to bloody Smirk-o-nomics, Roveian 1984-style campaigning, and FAUX Jazeera State News.

Lyin' Lindsey just shilled for Smirk: "The preznit... the preznit... the preznit..." (um, Lindsey, there are a lot of viewers out there snickering at your non-points, thinking, "He ain't MY 'preznit,' you effete little wuss!") and whined that Democrats are "way to the left of the mainstream."

The"mainstream" of WHAT, lie-boy? The lily-white Mayberry that you wish the nation would regress to?

And it seemed to us that Graham got more face time than Terry Mac : he went on lauding the overthrow of Saddam (as if Democrats aren't glad that Saddam, a right-wing fascist, has been deposed).

Was every candidate a credible commander-in-chief? Graham gave a non-answer -- but Terry Mac had to interject that the weapons that won the war were developed under Democrat presidents and Clinton built the military, increasing funding and pay -- while Smirk has done the opposite.

Once again, Terry missed a good chance to say that seeing Bunnypants in his Halloween best only served to remind him that Smirk DESERTED the Texas Air National Guard while Kerry was busy showing real heroism in the line of fire in the Vietnam abattoir.

We almost blew our espresso across the room when Graham said something truly stupid -- who would you prefer as commander-in-chief: Clinton or Bush?

We'd prefer a legitimately elected, internationally respected, intelligent and innovative President. For the record, lyin' Lindsey, we are NOT referring to the deer-in-the-headlights doofus occupying 1600 Penn.

Steph turned to the diverse views on solving the health care crisis (entirely missing the point that ALL of the Democrats see it as a crisis) and tax cuts (again neglecting to mention to viewers that the candidates unanimously think it was foolish). Al Sharpton, interestingly, was the only one to say they weren't tax cuts because there was no increase in taxes -- and that the tax givebacks are like Jim Jones giving you Kool-Aid: it tastes nice, but it'll kill you!

We loved it. Even if he is the GOP's favorite candidate.

And, like an idiot, Graham said that Democrats should debate every week.

Here's how it works, Lindsey: people would listen. People would realize that the class warfare you helped foment is coming back to destroy the GOP.

Terry Mac , bless him, said that he supports targeted tax cuts for small businesses and working Americans -- and then turned Lindsey into a hypocrite by citing his opposition to tax cuts back in the 2000 campaign! When Lindsey tried to attack Terry Mac for his stock holdings, Terry Mac came back and blasted attacks against Democrats who stand up for the little guy. Lindsey repeatedly resorted to his favorite disruptive tactic -- interrupting Terry Mac in mid-answer -- trying to shout down Terry, who would not relent. What a sore loserman lyin' Lindsey is.

The round table would follow -- we grabbed that remote faster than you could say "George Will"...

FAUX Jazeera State News Sunday
Bunnypants' 2004 campaign launch gets a boost from Rummy
Players:
Tony Snow, pretending to be a "fair and balanced" Tim Russert but still the quickest questioner on Sunday
Brit "Sunshine" Hume, who has to do something about that surly scowl
War Minister Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld

Tony Snow welcomed Rummy -- and started by pressing "Smirk's" (read: Rove's) claim that Iraqis are lying about Saddam's WMDs.

Rummy, showing his acumen for saying absolutely nothing in the most cloyingly ingratiating manner imaginable, wouldn't reveal any of the "evidence", depicting Iraqis in custody as shady and devious (oh, gosh, we are shocked -- Rummy made them sound almost like Republican operatives). Tony prompted Rummy to admit that "people down below" Saddam (in what Tony called Saddam's "food chain") will have to spill the beans. Rummy also said that upper-management Saddam-ites would probably face some sort of charges -- and there is debate about whether to try them under US or global justice.

Brit Hume, FAUX's number two character assassin, tried to get Rummy to talk about Tariq Aziz; Rummy gave little in the way of spin with his usual ersatz earnestness. Brit suggested that we may use military force elsewhere, giving Rummy the chance to repeat the "regime change" justification for Smirk's Feud -- in essence admitting that the WMD "justification" never mattered anyway.

Well, we already knew that. With Rummy, the American Enterprise Institute, and a Neocon-aligned Defense Policy Board running the military show, who NEEDS justification? It's not about being able to justify the situation -- it's about finding any excuse, no matter how lame, to invade a country. Forget that their ruling cadre was collapsing from within -- it's essential to present an illusion of overwhelming and rapid victory.

Brit said that military action against North Korea is not feasible at the moment; Rummy stonewalled. Tony interjected that Clinton had drawn up a plan for military action back in 1994, and Rummy said that he was in on it (in such a way that he sounded kinda disappointed that the Big Dog couldn't pull a Smirk and use a lame excuse to bomb the bejeezus out of Li'l Kim's reactors, military and infrastructure). If they are threatening us with nukes, should we not strike first? Rummy gave a lofty answer implying that the US is always prepared with contingency plans and suggesting that we can cut North Korea some slack for their hyperbole.

Oh, please, Rummy -- they threatened us and we negotiate -- Saddam never directly threatened the US even though there was massive internal and external pressure to depose him long before Operation Poll Numbers... er, Iraqi Freedom was launched.

Tony then turned to the Powell-Assad summit and a reported promise that the Syrian authorities would boot terrorist groups from the country. Rummy said he had only briefly discussed the matter with Powell. When Hume pressed him, Rummy said he'd been gone for a week, and Powell should be the man to ask.

Hey, Don -- you should've told Brit and Tony to tune into ABC This Weak for the details!

This gave Hume his opening to press Rummy about being "in the loop" about Newt Gingrich's scathing anti-Powell speech.

To our great delight, Rummy hung the disgraced Newt out to dry -- Rummy claimed he had not been in the loop, Newt is on the Defense Policy Board, there are liberals on the DPB (ha, ha, ha -- right), and "what is flat untrue is the implication that I... was complicitous in any way." Complicitous?

That answer deserved an Emmy -- it was some of the funniest stuff we have seen so far this year on the boob tube. Gingrich must be having a Smirk hemorrhage.

Hume said that Newt rattled off a litany of the administration's (read: Powell, dammit!) diplomatic failures. When Rummy said he had not read it, Tony said he had it right there. Rummy made a smiling "preemptive maneuver", saying he wanted time to read the list -- and then defended Powell's trip to Damascus, saying the timing and message were right.

Holy reversal of fortune. So THAT is what this is about. It's no secret in the Beltway that there's been an ongoing feud between Camp Powell and Camp Rummy. So Rummy is using Newt's extremist rant to hang the "ultra-hawk" albatross around his neck and close ranks -- at least in the short term -- with Powell, in the hope that Syria will play along with us and Smirk's so-called "road map for Mideast peace" might work as a campaign ploy.

It's about reelection -- and Rove has finally figured out that in the real world, Newt Gingrich is polling somewhere between Scott Peterson and Mullah Omar.

Tony said that Newt's shot at Powell hit Smirk -- and Rummy said, "I will not characterize this."

No kidding -- you already have!

Of course, this was all for show: it made Tony and Brit look like "probing" journalists, and Rummy, naturally, played along with the FAUX Jazeera State News. It was great theater.

Naturally, Tony and Hume let Rummy put our troops on a pedestal, praise the newly liberated Iraqis, take some parting shots at "Stalinist" Saddam (in response to Hume blasting the Baghdad bastard's "depravity" -- accurately, for once in his life -- but Saddam was more a fascist than a "socialist" in the way he operated his country as a sort of CEO-Il Duce), and claim that we have to "fill up the right bins" (you mean the oil tanks?) and maintain the ability to deploy and position military forces quickly -- as deterrence, mind you.

Tony said that the US bases in Saudi Arabia would be "mothballed". Rummy said we don't need them (no duh -- we can use Iraq now). Will the US move forces from Germany to Poland? Rummy gave a strange answer involving Austrian rail, logistics, and preparing for the 21st century (sounds like a big yes to us).

Will Paul Bremer be the new Iraq viceroy -- or is his nomination in trouble? Rummy said Bremer's a great guy, and Jay Garner's doing a great job -- and chided Hume for trying to get him to confirm or deny anything.

Don't go there, Hume -- we don't want the ties between politically connected American businesses that might do business in the "liberated" Iraq and the Texas Dauphin to become an issue.

Is Saddam alive or dead?

"I wish I knew, and I don't."

If he had to guess, he'd say alive -- and NOT running Iraq.

"We'll find him if he's alive."

We won't hold our breath.

Meet the Duress
Boosting war boy "Top Bum" Smirk
Players
Tim Russert, Rove's sock puppet
Colin Powell, looking even more jet-lagged than he did on ABC

Tim welcomed Powell and asked him if he had asked Syrian President Assad to shut down Hezbollah, citing a wire report saying the head of Hezbollah had not heard any such news. Powell's lofty, vague answer: he had told Assad that support of terrorism must end, he has to shut down the offices of terror organizations, and the US will review his performance, including the arenas of WMDs, to see if he wants a more promising relationship with the US. Powell also said that Assad has concerns about the peace process and the fate of the Golan Heights, and that the PATRIOT Act has an impact on transactions through Syrian institutions.

Powell kept repeating the spin point "review his performance."

Powell made it sound like an annual job review. Firing would therefore involve shock and awe, the Seventh Cavalry, and Bechtel.

Note to Assad: it might be time to find a really good headhunter. We didn't see any listings for "despot" this afternoon over at monster.com.

Tim: so Syria is harboring WMDs? Powell said it wouldn't be constructive for them to have them (talk about stating the obvious), Assad denied they have them, and the US expects that Syria will cooperate in the search for Iraqi authorities and WMDs.

Tim: if the terrorist organizations maintain offices, what do we do?

Powell said that his job was to convey a message that the US supports peace in the Mideast (read: Smirk won't win the election on the economy, stupid), and it is time for Syria to end policies that "do not contribute to the peace process" (read: Smirk is gonna keep America paranoid about the whole war on terror thing). Another carrot: if they keep the border with Iraq sealed and help the push toward democracy, then that will be looked on favorably -- if not, "there will be consequences."

Powell was again offering a little carrot and lotsa stick.

Tim then played footage of Newt Gingrich blasting the possibility of Powell visiting Syria.

Powell, smiling, said Newt was "accusing the president" of engaging in diplomacy -- Powell negotiated with Smirk's blessing, and Newt has a beef with the State Department. Tim then quoted Armitage's hilarious "Newt is off his meds and outta therapy" quote; Powell, repressing a chuckle, said Armitage's rejoinder is an example of the "wimpy" State Department!

We'll admit even we loved Arnitage's world-class "dis" of Newt..

Newt, added Powell, has the option of engaging in constructive debate. And Powell not only admitted he was in the loop on Armitage's snappy putdown -- he said it was a good "counterpunch."

Colin (ahem), the proper term is "bitch slap."

Did Rummy know Newt was going to blast State? Powell said he had no idea (translation: he thinks so).

Tim used a snippet of Smirk's non-campaign campaign-speech-cum-victory-dance on the USS Abraham Lincoln to turn the focus to Cuba: will Castro be next? Powell said there are ways for the US to confront nations that support terrorism -- from military to diplomatic and international pressure. Cuba must end support of terrorism.

(Translation: Castro might be wise to look for retirement property in Costa Rica, because we have something in the works -- it's the only way Smirk will be able to win Florida next year. Maybe he should call Bandar Assad and see if they could save some money on a duplex.)

Tim tried to turn Harry Belafonte into a simpering Castro sympathizer -- and Powell played right along.

(They both missed Belafonte's point: that the US has itself engaged in a de facto, cynical and hypocritical war against Cuba using an embargo and harassment.)

Tim, still sniffing around for war, then turned attention to Iran. Powell said that the US has made it clear that their support of terrorist thugs and quest for nukes is not helping -- but there are ways to communicate with Iran's people to tell them that their leaders are letting them down.

Notably, Powell tied Iran's mullahs to Al Qaeda (as the Brits say, "Watch this space" -- something IS brewing there).

And interestingly, Powell used WMDs as the justification for invading Iraq -- and said the US had the UN's blessing (cue laugh track). Powell claimed Iraq was threatening their neighbors.

Tim next pressed Powell on North Korea's nukes. Powell said the US had made progress in convincing its neighbors that North Korea poses a regional threat -- and everyone has made it clear that economic assistance is done until they kill their nuke program. They have to dismantle their nukes. What if they don't? They will. Will we let them sell them? "Of course not."

How important is it to YOUR reputation that the US find WMDs? Powell said we will, he and George Tenet stand behind the presentation, and a 15-0 vote in the Security Council means they believe it too (um, not really, Colin -- your presentation was based at least in part on falsified documents).

Talk turned to a new Iraq viceroy -- Newsleak is reporting that Paul Bremer will be Jay Garner's boss -- Tim spun this as a victory for State over Defense. Powell strayed wildly from the "dispute" by saying that the international community will be active in the rebuilding of Iraq, and while the initial phase must be military, it is inevitable that that phase will wind down.

The "road map for peace in the Middle East" and the Israeli settlements in Palestinian territory was the final big question for Powell -- who said that settlement activity must end (as in no new settlements), and then there will have to be hard talks about existing settlements. The new Palestinian leadership must get the situation under control, and the new PM must say that terrorism must end because it is dashing the hopes for a Palestinian state.

We saw that Bob Novak was going to be part of Russert's panel of hard-right "commentators", so we headed for brunch.

JJ Balzer is a former television news producer. He lives in New York City.