Steve's* Holly-War News of the Day
*An extreme far-centrist foundation!
Those Weapons of Mass Destruction Most Likely Moved... to Hollywood!!
by Steve Young

April 18, 2003 -- LOS ANGELES (apj.us) -- Following the addition of Tim Robbins to the Axis Of Evil by the Baseball Hall of Fame, the Bush Administration has provided information which they say proves that the WMDs which were hidden in Iraq to be used against the United States (unless the US invaded) were secretly transferred to Hollywood.

"We have photos of enormous stretch limousines parked outside of large ostentatious mansions from Bel Air to Rodeo Drive," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "These palatial sites were easily large enough to conceal the WMDs which are in complete disregard of U.N. resolution 90210."

Powell also offered further proof. "Recent intercepted conversations between public relations people and CAA agents have disclosed numerous Streisand appearances in the area."

President Bush has asked Hollywood to "immediately and unconditionally forswear, disclose, and remove or destroy all weapons of mass destruction and tools of cosmetic surgery."

Tommy Franks, head of US Central Command, told FOX News that he has "absolute confidence that there are weapons of mass destruction inside the Hollywood cabal. If not, then they're someplace else."

"C'mon, they gotta be somewhere," added Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

No bluff, the Pentagon has already positioned 200,000 troops along the south side of Santa Monica Boulevard, next to The Mother Lode in West Hollywood, with a flotilla of aircraft carriers docked at the Pier View Restaurant in Malibu.

Designated "Operation Hollywood Freedom" by the administration, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said, "Be sure that the war is about WMDs, until they are not found, and then we will make this a war to finally free the oppressed people of Beverly Hills Adjacent."

Fleischer handed out a list of meandering, but cynical nicknames the press must now use when addressing the Hollywood "Devils of Dissent."

Included in the list were:

• Martin "Plays A President on TV But He's Really Not" Sheen
• Sean "He Went To Iraq, Y'know" Penn
• Tim "Tall And Protests Against America Stands For" Robbins
• Susan "You Know She's A Lot Older That Robbins" Sarandon
• Janeane "Okay, She May Be Cute, But Look At Her, Tell Me She's Not A Lesbian" Garofalo
• Mike "What's He Really Done Since M*A*S*H*? And Anyway, Korea Was Only A Police Action, Not A Real War" Farrell

"Don't be fooled by their so-called movies and television work," said genuinely miffed Pentagon Spokeswoman Victoria Clarke, "these guys will attack us the moment they see the opportunity for a boffo opening weekend. And that, my friends, is when our decapitation efforts will begin."

Then, as if to prove her point, Clark literally ripped off the head of CNN reporter Christine Amanpour. "Kind of like that," added the thin but wiry spokesperson.

"And whoever's running the show for those caviar-eating, oversexed and underweight anti-Americans, they better not try eating at Spago, the Ivy or one of those fancy-dan Hamburger Hamlets," sneered Rumsfeld. "We have a 21-ton bunker buster with their name on it. And the name is 'Babs.'"

Steve Young is an award-winning television writer, director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz," author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press) and writes assorted gems at JewishWorldReview.com. Check out his Web site at www.greatfailure.com.