Flush twice... it's a long way to Sally Quinn's place!

Pundit Pap for April 13, 2003
Sunday Morning War Porn
by the tireless Pundit Pap team

April 13, 2003 -- NEW YORK (apj.us) -- With the exception of War Minister Don "Strangefeld" clarifying Junior's foreign policy by rattling his saber at Syria, there was in effect no politics on this Sunday's round of DC-based news talk shows.

There was, however, a preponderance of footage from the "theater of operations" on the "serious" Sunday news/politics talk shows -- what we have taken to calling "war porn" in our various living and media rooms.

But there was some good breaking news: seven American POWs went into Marine custody overnight; Brent Sadler and a CNN crew invaded one of Saddam Hussein's military bases near the Iraqi ex-dictator's home town of Tikrit and found it abandoned; and Saddam's half-brother had been arrested; and MSNBC had the "breaking news" that the CIA has a sample of Saddam Hussein's DNA!

Cool! Does that mean that Junior can clone him if he runs out of "evildoers" to take on?

Nevertheless, a note to the networks: give us some politics -- or at least some juicy scandal, now that an FBI agent who was among those pushing the phony-baloney "ChinaGate" scandal to impugn then-President Clinton has been arrested for passing along secrets to a Chinese double agent. Hell, if Bill Clinton were still president, you just know the networks would have canceled on the Defense Secretary and general in charge of the war and done nothing but flog this story.

And then there's the matter of political hack Dale Petrofsky, chairman of the Baseball Hall of Fame, who canceled an event celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of the film Bull Durham because of "suspicion" that the film's two stars, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, "might" say something against Snippy's war. It turns out that Petrofsky is a partisan GOP hack -- he used to be an assistant press flack when Ronald "The Great Napper" Reagan sleepwalked through two terms -- who sullied the Hall of Fame last year with a political event featuring White House Chief Prevaricator Ari "Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf Lite" Fleischer. Given the jock worship prevalent at Meet the Pest and FAUX Jazeera News Sunday, this would have been a "must-spin" topic -- but we're at war, so forget politics.

Here's a very brief review of another dull Sunday.

This Weak

Players:
George Stephanopoulos, moderator, rumored to be soon for the ABC News "chopping block"
Gen. Tommy Franks, the guy actually running Smirk's feud

George Stephanopoulos hosted This Weak from Doha, Qatar this morning -- and scored a coup with an exclusive interview with Tommy Franks.

Steph looked tanned, rested and ready for the interview -- but first turned to the breaking news of seven POW soldiers recovered by forces north of Baghdad, apparently released by Iraqi forces who were either fleeing or just plain giving up on fighting, holding prisoners, and all the other messy details of soldiering for an iron-fisted tyrant who commands... well, bubkis.

The interview with Franks was predictable for the most part -- though Franks first admitted that there has been nothing immediately taking the place of Saddam's collapsed regime which may take days or weeks to "replace", and then took a minute to keep viewers paranoid by raising the specter of terrorism and conceding that there is chaos in Iraqi cities.

Franks said it was not unfeasible for a pro-Saddam cell to have a weapon of mass destruction inside or outside of Iraq (read: Syria) -- but there is no remaining Iraqi Army, Navy or Air Force.

That was a pretty strong assertion. In essence, the military boss of Smirk's War was saying that there is no Iraqi regime. Expect the next few news cycles to be occupied with pieces of an interim pro-Neocon Iraqi regime falling into place.

Steph had to make mention of the now-infamous deck of 55 cards that has been distributed to soldiers and US operatives in Iraq, each featuring the face of a top member of Saddam's inner circle, the "Ace of Spades" being Saddam himself.

It just amazes us that these playing cards are being so heavily hyped by the news media -- will they be demanding a cut of the auction action now that these card decks have started showing up on eBay?

Franks also whined that critics would dare blast our military forces for not protecting hospitals and the Iraq National Museum -- which contained some of the oldest antiquities to have ever been unearthed -- from looters, deflecting to supposed triumphs in distributing humanitarian aid.

Here's the truth: you can bet that military planners are taking a careful look at this huge debacle.

George actually showed a little backbone when he suggested that the military may have to cozy up to some of Saddam's leadership toadies. Franks seemed to bristle, saying that some police records may help identify not only pro-Ba'athists but dissidents who might be candidates for civil leadership.

And George actually dared confront Franks with comments of one anonymous soldier who felt guilty about the number of undersupplied, ill-trained and incompetent Iraqi soldiers he "massacred". Franks sounded empathetic to the emotional plight of the soldier, saying that he did his duty and his nation thanks him.

Huh? That could only increase the feelings of guilt over this carnage.

There was a short speculative segment on what will happen in the wake of an important Iraqi surrender -- that of Gen. al-Sahdi, the scientific advisor to Saddam Hussein and a prime mover in Iraq's quest for chemical and nuclear weapons. Steph, still obsessed by that card deck, mentioned that al-Sahdi is the "seven of diamonds."

The remainder of the show took place in Washington, with the usual gang of idiots at the "round table" -- so we retired to the kitchen for some toaster strudel and coffee.

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

FAUX Jazeera War Porn
From your OFFICIAL state source for spin!
Players:
Tony Snow, host
Gen. Tommy Franks

Tony Snow was also in Doha this morning -- looking a little sunburned, actually, but probably overjoyed not to have to share the set with that snide wet blanket of a pundit Brit Hume. Following the update on the seven soldiers who were recovered from behind the lame excuse for Iraqi lines and a report from some overly-dolled-up FAUX "babe" correspondent in Baghdad, Tony segued into the taped interview with Franks (hey -- we thought George Stephanopoulos had an "exclusive"), pointedly saying that he feels "vindicated" after months of "criticism."

Tony spent the first part of the interview obsessing on the seven once-missing soldiers -- but it is good news, so we can't blame either of them for leading with something that was not a complete debacle. When Franks said that Iraqis are helping US forces, Tony made a point of asking if they are leading American military personnel to WMDs, and Franks said, "Yes."

Huh? If they had, you can bet the pictures would be all over FAUX Jazeera News Channel, replete with ominous background music and garish graphics. We think Franks may have some 'splaining to do about that comment. Maybe he was talking about Saddam's cache of Viagra at the "love nest" our boys in uniform found yesterday.

There was another exchange in which Tony suggested that Saddam is dead, which accounts for the abandonment of any organized military activity, but Franks cautioned Tony that as far as they know, Saddam is merely no longer able to govern -- there's no proof he's dead. Franks said one of the biggest dangers still remaining in Iraq is small bands of "dead-enders" -- Fedayeen, Special Republican Guards, even foreign mercenaries. Franks made a point of mentioning Syrians, and Tony asked a question that suggested that Syria is just letting mercenaries slip into Iraq: if they are slipping across the Syrian border, isn't this an act of war?

Yessirree, you can tell what direction Rummy and Dicky and Perly and Wolfie are pushing Prince Doofus in -- the smirk Regime is in "Let's roll" mode, so get ready for all war, all the time!

Franks also said that some Iraqi leaders are in custody in Western Iraq -- and that beyond that he would not give details. (He may have been referring to the half-brother of Saddam, now in American custody.)

The rest of the interview was surprisingly sedate for Tony -- you can tell he'd rather be talking politics. And we'd rather he was -- we think his politics are goofy, but Tony is still one of the best political interrogators on Sunday morning, even given his "fair and balanced" conservative bias.

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Meet the Mess
Rummy gets his usual pass... until...
players: Tim Russert
Don Rumsfeld, Minister of Perpetual War
Imad Moustapha, Syria's Deputy Chief of Mission to the US

Tim Russert opened MTP by letting Rummy announce the "good news" about the seven soldiers who turned up behind enemy lines in Iraq -- and Rummy echoed Tommy Franks' spin about "cooperative" Iraqis blowing the whistle on Ba'athists and Fedayeen to help restore order (hey, even we think that's a good thing, if only to help bring our men and women in uniform home safer and sooner).

So what happened to Saddam's scientific advisor Amir al-Saadi, who surrendered yesterday? Rummy said he did not know, and he would not rule out anything -- it's up to the "lawyers." Rummy added that he does not believe the man's claim about no WMDs in Iraq, and gave a rambling answer about finding people with answers. Rummy also suggested that some of the chemical or biological weapons may be stashed in neighboring countries. He was not specific -- but you can bet your bottom dollar he was implying Syria.

Tim then pulled a card from the top of the hottest playing deck on the planet, the 55-card "Iraqi Regime Most wanted" deck that has been distributed to members of the military in Iraq -- it was the Ace of Spades himself, Saddam. Where is he? Rummy said he did not know, though sources have been helpful in giving clues. Tim reminded Rummy that Saddam has said he'd die in Iraq -- is it his last stand or his last lie? Rummy said he slipped the country for Egypt years ago in the wake of an attempted coup, so nothing would surprise him.

So where are the Fedayeen? The Elite Republican Guard? Rummy said the regulars were no challenge and the Republican Guard got hit by overwhelming air power; the more elite, fanatical troops are still around Baghdad -- and then there are foreign fighters, many from Syria. Many of Saddam's regime have fled to Syria. Tim talked about Saddam's germ people fleeing there, and Syria being a safe haven for "tairists."

Well, well -- looks like Rummy and Franks are "on message" today about Syria, and Tim was more than willing to oblige in helping establish the al-Assad regime as the next official member of the"Axis of Evil". And Tim went the distance, getting Rummy to do the saber-rattling spin after Tim suggested that the Syrian regime's days may be numbered. Rummy talked a good game about "freedom" (we were thinking freedom for the oil industry to do "binniss" again in Iraq), then said that Assad's one goal is to "preserve the regime" and deprive people of "freedom of religion."

Well, horrors! Poor Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson are locked of of Syria, and Rummy is just so upset!

Tim asked how important is it to find Saddam dead or alive to reassure the Iraqi people that his regime is over? (We see -- it's all about "reassurance.") Rummy actually pooh-poohed the importance of finding him, but that said, "He's gone [from power], and we'll find him."

Tim then confronted Rummy with the destruction of Iraq's National Museum: "How did we allow it?" Rummy gave a typically snide excuse to the effect of, "Bad things happen and we try not to let them happen" -- and sounded plenty testy." Tim then said that museum officials pleaded for US help -- and the military refused. Rummy said that hospitals got priority -- but Tim jumped on him, saying hospitals were looted too.

And for the first time since Smirk took power, Rummy sputtered and was momentarily struck dumb before saying that it's heartbreaking to see -- and again, "It's not something we allow."

Bullshit, Rummy. It's something that WAS allowed by YOUR inadequate planning. Franks asked for more troops -- and more troops might well have stopped this plunder of the Iraqi people's treasure. You can't pin this one on Franks, you snippy, reactionary little ass-clown.

Tim might well have some trouble booking Rummy again soon.

Tim then went easy on Rummy, talking about the torching of some of Saddam's ministries -- were pro-Saddam forces behind it? Rummy said it's possible in that a number of ministries do not want their records captured.

Tim talked about the big no-show of the entire Information Ministry. Did word somehow get around not to show up for work anymore? Rummy talked a good game about "redundant communications" -- but didn't dare suggest that maybe most of them probably got the hint from watching CNN or Al Jazeera on their satellite TVs.

There followed some pap about the "interim authority" as the war continues and allowing the "Iraqi people"(yeah, right) to pick their government. (Gee, Rummy, does that mean you support abolition of the electoral college so "the American people" can directly elect their President?) Rummy said he feels that the American people have picked up on what's going on over the last two years. (You mean the systematic march by the executive branch toward fascism, smart ass?)

Tim made the silly point that if Osama bin Laden were on the ballot in Iraq, he'd be a popular candidate. Good grief, Tim -- that's about the dumbest thing a Sunday morning pundit has said all year. There's about as much chance of Osama being on the ballot in Iraq as there is Rummy telling you the unvarnished truth -- in other words, zero.

And things went from silly to absurd as Tim suggested that the people of America liberate the people of Cuba. Rummy gave a rambling and incoherent answer about Americans minding their own business and not wanting to force their values on others.

(Unless, of course, there's a lot of oil to be had.)

Tim then flogged "speed, flexibility and real-time intelligence" as some sort of "Rumsfeld doctrine". Rummy, attempting to make a show of modesty (pshaw!) played down calling it his doctrine, then said something about limiting the amount of collateral damage (ha! we do read overseas news reports, Rummy, so you're not fooling us), the speed of our air attacks, and an achievement of swift victory. The burning of the oil wells in Kuwait was a "terrible thing", he said. (Why? Because Halliburton didn't get the rebuilding contracts?)

Tim then broke some new news -- Saddam's half-brother had been captured.

Now, other than Tim's little dustup with Rummy over the trashing of the Iraq National Museum, there were no surprises in the entire interview -- just openings wide enough to drive the Seventh Cavalry through for Rummy to pitch his spin.

The second segment was the one worth watching: Tim's interview with Imad Moustapha, Syria's number two man in Washington.

Tim immediately asked Moustapha about "Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax" having fled to Syria. Moustapha called it a "false accusation" -- then blasted Smirk's gang of handlers for daily depiction of Syria as a bad guy. (We kinda have to agree with Junior's folks on Syria -- but not to the point where we launch another war.) So no member of Saddam's regime has fled to Syria? It's not about the daily spin against Syria, said Moustapha. Tim vehemently responded that the UN Ambassador to Iraq is supposedly in Syria. Moustapha admitted that Syria does not require a visa from any Arab nation -- which gave Tim a huge amount of leeway to depict Syria as the obvious place for Iraqi evildoers to flee. And Moustapha replied by saying that the anarchy in Iraq is an embarrassment to the Smirk Regime (ha, ha) -- so they are diverting attention.

No, Moustapha -- that's the job of the lapdog American corporate press! Why do you think there's been no coverage of the GOP Chinese spy ring on cable news TV in the US?

Tim said people celebrated in the streets -- but Moustapha said that Baghdad had been bombed for weeks, there are massive civilian casualties, and Iraqis were protesting against the US. In a dig at NBC, Moustapha said he saw it on CNN! (Ha, ha, ha!) Moustapha called the invasion of Iraq a "human tragedy," claiming that the people of Mosul are "very unhappy."

So what did Tim do? What he always does when he's shown to be a fool -- change subject and go on the attack. He read the details of the "Syria Accountability Act" which essentially demands that Syria stop harboring terrorists and abandon WMDs. Moustapha said that he is unaware of WMD movements across its border with Iraq, and his government is cooperating with the CIA -- but Tim interrupted him, saying that Rummy has accused the Syrian government of harboring members of Saddam's regime. Moustapha instead continued his answer, saying that the US and UN should inspect Syria and the whole Middle East -- where, unlike Israel, you won't find nukes!

Tim then read some typical anti-"Zionist invaders" comments from a Muslim cleric in Syria. (Gosh. Imagine that. A conservative Muslim denouncing "Zionism". We're shocked. Not.) Moustapha said he's a secular guy, and the man who said it was a prominent Syrian Kurd. Tim demanded an answer as to who the "Zionist invaders" were, but Moustapha said he is a secular Arab who is in no position to speak for an 80-something mufti (translation -- Tim, your badgering me is below contempt -- stop trying to force me to speak for a bigot nutcase -- even Bandar al-Assad can't stand those loony Islamists).

Moustapha then blasted a "faction of extremism" in Israel (in other words, hard-right Likudniks) -- characterizing them as anti-peace and anti-diplomacy. Tim said the comments were anti-Semitic; Moustapha said that there can be no peace with Israel until they rein in their extremists, and that his position is moderate and secular. Is there a chance of war between the US and Syria? Moustapha said no; he likes American values and wants them to grow in Syria -- and he tweaked pro-war extremists in the US executive branch (though he did not name Rummy, Wolfowitz or Armitage by name).

Moustapha was animated and well-prepared and, despite the fact that we think his bosses in Syria are not exactly the sweet, innocent secularist reformers they would like us to believe, did a damn impressive job with the briefing book he had to work with and handled himself surprisingly well -- though, over the closing credits, we were treated to the sight of Moustapha gesturing strongly as Tim sat listening to him. It almost looked as if Moustapha were ranting, until we caught a hint of a smile on both of their faces.

-- JJ Balzer

Dave "Doctor" Gonzo is a recording, video and television producer. He lives in a reinforced high-rise apartment compound somewhere in Manhattan.

JJ Balzer is a former television news producer. He lives in New York City.