Flush twice... it's a long way to Sally Quinn's place!

Pundit Pap for March 23, 2003
Schlock and Awe!
Rummy Spews His War Pap, and Gephardt goes GOP
by the Pundit Pap Team

March 23, 2003, 4:30 PM EST -- NEW YORK (apj.us) -- Would politics dare to rear its head this Pundit Sunday, when even Washington press whores have made their top priority saturation coverage of "Operation Liberate Those Petrodollars"?

You betcha!

Especially since Junior's War Cabinet decided to parade ever-popular Celebrity War Secretary Don Rumsfeld around the Sunday shows to shill on behalf of military action. Lord knows, he is the most entertaining of the Orwellian bunch in control of the executive branch.

And, as one could easily predict, he was given all but a free pass with little in the way of probing questions -- softball questions from Tim Russert and Bob Schieffer, plenty of space to condemn Saddam's regime and caution viewers to be patient, and the chance to propagate the latest Texas Junta talking points and thereby generate a headline or two.

But then, who should be surprised? After all, the news divisions of the big three networks, CNN and FOX Television (and their so-called "News Channel) know that war draws ratings -- or does it?

According to a Reuters article that ran in yesterday's Washington Post, prime-time coverage of the war on ABC was trounced by a repeat episode of NBC's perfectly awful situation comedy Friends.

Now THAT deserves the big laugh track -- recycled programming showcasing a gaggle of fictional, self-centered himbos and bimbos whose narcissism almost reaches that of certain news "superstars" we love to hate draws more viewers than the biggest news story of the year!

Maybe ABC should consider replacing one of their "embedded" journalists with Bush Junior apologist Drew Carey -- now that should make for some hilarious hijinks, wacky physical comedy and side-splitting one-liners!

-- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

Meanwhile, here's today's war pap:

Meet the Mess
Players:
Tim Russert, NBC News' Senior Pro-Smirk Carnival Barker
Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld, Secretary of War

Oh, joy! Tim Russert proclaimed a "special" two-hour Meet the Mess! We decided to hang in there during Tim's first, long segment -- an uninterrupted 40-minute chat with Secretary of War Rumsfeld.

Tim began by gently "badgering" Rummy about reports that Iraqi militiamen are hunting down two American pilots in the Tigris River and that Iraq may parade POWs before TV cameras sometime very soon (which they apparently did during the interview on their state TV). Rummy, predictably, conducted almost the entire interview in his characteristically brusque, faux-stoic mode -- and gave little in the way of a specific answer to Tim about the allegedly downed pilots but did acknowledge the possibility that a plane might (with a strong emphasis on might) be missing.

Tim then asked Rummy if he was surprised that forces are meeting with resistance -- and Rummy matter-of-factly replied, in a manner that tweaked Tim-meh's overly broad characterization, that resistance "varies substantially" -- some places are filled with Iraqis giving up (what conservatives no doubt would refer to as hummus-eating surrender monkeys) and others put up a fight, and "You have to expect that."

Tim mentioned the 1991 insurrections against Saddam in Basra -- shouldn't they be grateful that we're here? (After the US abandoned them following Desert Storm, Tim? You've got to be kidding with that question!) Rummy said the towns have been suppressed by Saddam's entrenched forces and that's why we are meeting resistance. (Well, that's reassuring, Don -- at least it's not the people we betrayed a decade ago!)

Tim then said some had predicted this would be a cakewalk -- but Rummy denied it. (Funny, but from the way Tim worded the question you'd think he was wondering why we hadn't already put Saddam's head on a pole at the Baghdad city line. Tim sounded honestly concerned that the war isn't turning out to be a walkover -- and, by gum, that could hurt the popularity of that Bush boy!)

Tim then turned to news of an absolutely insane grenade attack on commanders in Kuwait by a US soldier. Rummy seemed a little tiffed that Tim actually dared to run footage of the post-attack carnage and the soldier being taken into custody before going into a weird, stream-of-consciousness explanation of the all-volunteer armed forces. (We've seen similar diversionary non-sequiturs during other Rummy interviews -- it's almost become a bizarre trademark of his one-on-one media appearances.)

Tim then showed allegedly recent footage of Saddam in uniform holding a meeting with his top "advisors" (read: enforcer thugs that make Ralphie from The Sopranos look like Dale Carnegie), giving Rummy a chance to say that "Saddam's regime is in disarray" and that there's evidence the footage was prerecorded.

This was the first of many instances of Rummy injecting the "Saddam's regime is in disarray and he is no longer in control" talking point into the interview -- this was THE major Smirk Cadre talking point of the weekend.

Tim followed up by asking Rummy if he would make it known immediately that Saddam were dead should it happen and the DOD were able to confirm it. Rummy gave a ridiculous answer about how it wouldn't matter. (Translation: you damn well better believe that Rummy, Smirk, Big Time Dick and the Colon would be boasting about it in the form of saying that "Saddam is dead and his regime has collapsed!")

Is Saddam directing his military at this time? Rummy said that the US must assume there are redundant and backup means of communications. (Translation: just barely -- he's probably down to using couriers.)

Is Rummy surprised at the defiance of Saddam's cohorts? Rummy said no -- this is a vicious guy who cuts out the tongues of his enemies and lets them bleed to death. (Rummy made a point to mentioned Saddam's sadistic behavior a number of times this weekend.)

Tim then slipped into indignant mode as he mentioned that there is a meeting of Arab nations in the next couple days -- how could you let the foreign minister of Iraq get out of the country? Rummy said the borders are porous. So Saddam could already be out. "Sure!" replied Rummy. (The speculation struck us as a bit ridiculous.)

Tim then mentioned a Christian Science Monitor article about the problem with declaring the Iraqi regime changed, then set out "standards" for making regime change a reality -- and Rummy shot it down, saying "Saddam is no longer in control of his own country." (Funny, but Rummy's point had little to do with the point Tim was trying to make about the article.) Rummy then spent a huge chunk of time praising the top military leaders and advisors

Tim pressed on: what happens when our troops get to Baghdad, and how concerned are you about prolonged urban warfare? Rummy acknowledged the possibility that there could be "increased resistance around Baghdad" -- but reiterated that "that regime is through. It's over." Rummy then said many Iraqi military leaders fear Saddam -- and when they fear Saddam more than us it will make a takeover easier.

Tim then "created" discrepancies between Rummy and Tommy Franks about contacts between US forces and senior Iraqi military officials concerning Iraqi surrender. This gave Rummy a chance to say that surrender negotiations with various parties are ongoing. Rummy added that one goal is to defeat Saddam's forces with a minimum loss of life and conflict. What if they stall? Will we get more shock and awe? "I've never been much for graduated response." (Translation: forget the minimum loss of life comment, Tim, that was strictly a variation of "War is the last resort.")

Rummy insisted the goal of the military campaign is regime change (yeah, right -- as if all those oil wells didn't matter), and Gen. Franks is seeking to do it with "minimum loss of life." (Looks like that's another talking point: "minimum loss of American life.") Rummy then "corrected" Tim when he talked about "bombing Baghdad" on Friday -- they were hitting "greater Baghdad," not the city itself, and "Saddam's regime" is ablaze (well, the fact is that Saddam's headquarters are in Baghdad on the Tigris River). Tim then showed footage of a senior Iraqi general briefing the press from Iraqi TV broadcast Friday as massive explosions went off in the background -- then chastised Rummy for not taking out the Iraqi defense ministry! Rummy looked peeved and replied with a terse, "So what?"

So what? SO WHAT? So you claimed you were out to decapitate Saddam's regime, numbnuts! Including his military headquarters would be, well, a prudent move in the decapitation of Saddam's regime.

Tim then asked why we have not taken out Iraqi TV. Rummy fell back on an important point: in this case they have located television facilities near hospitals and schools. (He should have also pointed out that once Saddam is eliminated, an intact broadcast infrastructure will be very helpful to the occupying forces.. ahem, er, emerging democracy.)

Tim then talked about "what could go wrong in your mind." (Great choice of words, Tim -- plenty seems to have gone south in the twisted mind of "Dr. Strangefeld".) Tim mentioned chemical warfare, urban warfare, prolonged civil war in Iraq. Has anything gone wrong? Rummy mentioned incidents friendly fire and helicopter crashes as "unexpected problems" (unexpected? these have been problems for YEARS) -- but (in a quick change of subject) coalition forces have saved the southern oil fields (oh, yeah, right -- for "the Iraqi people" -- or at least the ones resourceful enough to do quick and dirty deals with UNOCAL, Halliburton, and the Carlyle Group).

Tim then turned to biological and chemical weapons -- they have so far not been found -- you have no doubt we will find chemical weapons? "We'll find them, Rummy assured Tim.

Translation: the CIA and DOD knows where they are or where they might "turn up" -- but given the abysmal record of Smirk's "proof", for example, that Saddam was trying to get uranium (the documents were forged), who other than the pro-Bush-at-all-costs contingent are going to believe it, even if they DO turn up? And there's the problem -- even this writer thinks Saddam has some chemical and biological weapons, but who is going to believe America anymore after Powell's discredited presentation to the UN and the "uranium papers" debacle?

This is a MAJOR problem on the diplomatic front -- when are Democrats going to have the nerve to play up the War Credibility Gap as a serious issue?

Tim then asked if allied forces will find documents tying Saddam to terrorists; Rummy said Saddam's henchmen are "hiding them." (Huh? You mean they haven't shredded them by now?)

Will Saddam use biological and chemical weapons against American forces? Rummy postulated that Saddam can order it, but those who follow his orders will be hunted down and brought to justice.

Tim then confronted Rummy about that notorious political ploy of a letter from a right-wing think tank in 1998 to which Rummy ids tied urging then-President Clinton to go to war against Iraq, and Rummy's own putsch... er, push on Sept. 11, 2001 to immediately go after Saddam. Rummy DENIED that he made such a comment -- Tim said it was reported by AP and CBS -- Rummy then said he "can't remember."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Can you say, "Implausible deniability?" GOTCHA, Rummy!

Rummy then went into his "disappointment" that economic sanctions, no-fly zones and diplomacy "failed." (How hypocritical. Sanctions ALWAYS fail against socialists and Communists, and free trade always undermines control economies. And diplomacy?" Smirk doesn't know a diplomat from a dipstick.)

Tim, good Catholic that he is, talked about the Pope decrying war -- and Rummy spun it, saying the Pope is right, and every other possibility was exhausted. (Yessirree, Rummy is still on message.) What do you say to antiwar protesters? Rummy gave a rambling answer about how the antiwar movement was wrong before World War II.

Hey, Rummy -- weren't people like Junior's granddad, Prescott "Closet Nazi" Bush, opposed to the war because it would hit them in the pocketbooks?

Tim then tried to make Rummy look bad for a statement he made 20 years ago about Saddam not being a mischief-maker -- and Rummy fired back by explaining the rather tenuous geopolitical situation back then (much of it a product of missteps by Reagan). Did we misjudge Saddam? No, said Rummy, he used chemical weapons against the Iranians (and somehow forgetting that there is evidence that Iran also used chemical weapons).

There was a final brief exchange about possible casualties and duration of the war.

All in all, it was a pretty depressing interview -- little insight, some minor news, and no challenges from Tim Russert.

-- JJ Balzer

FAUX News Sunday
Players:
Tony Snow, more serious than usual this Sunday
Rep. Dick Gephardt, Democrat in name only when it comes to Smirk's War

FAUX News Sunday led with the "breaking news" that Rummy had admitted a number of US soldiers are "missing" and perhaps captured.

Of course, the hapless FAUX correspondent didn't dare admit the news broke on NBC's Meet the Mess!

We skipped the newsy interview segment with Joint Chiefs chair Gen. Richard Myers -- but we didn't miss the interview with Shrub's new "soul mate", Dick Gephardt, who has become a war cheerleader -- and Tony started in immediately by getting Gephardt to distance himself from Daschle's better-late-than-never assertion that Smirk failed at diplomacy.

Tony focused on attacking the French and their president, Jacques Chirac -- and Gephardt, sounding like just another Republican, talked about bringing democracy to Iraq, but also chided the Chickenhawk Administration for not assembling a strong coalition, and calling on them to reach out to our closest allies to "rebuild" Iraq.

Tony then attacked Democrats for opposing the war and therefore being weak on national security; Gephardt went down a litany of examples of Democrats backing war and then proclaimed, "we have gotta disarm Saddam Hussein."

Where's Nancy Pelosi when you need her? She would have attacked the GOP and Chimpy for being weak on national security, especially before Sept. 11, 2001 -- and for failing to expedite and fund real programs to protect territorial security from terror thugs.

Tony decried a lack of "Jackson Democrats" (read: stealth Republicans). Gephardt did say that Democrats are open to a diversity of views on the issues (but failed to add the magic words, "...unlike Republicans, who are doctrinaire and in neo-fascist lockstep, refusing to show any flexibility or tolerance for critical thinking").

Tony also gave Gephardt a wide berth to praise the war effort so far and express the hope that Iraqi forces will fold.

Tony then turned to the fear of more Al Qaeda attacks -- and Gephardt said that local first responders have gotten almost no help, and Smirk won't fund this help (well, miracle of miracles -- Gephardt actually criticized Little George) -- but Tony quickly redirected talk back to his fear of Al Qaeda, and Gephardt got with the FNS program, speculating about weapons of mass destruction getting into the hands of Islamists.

Do you believe Saddam has WMDs? Gephardt said the intelligence says yes, and they're well hidden, and we'll find 'em.

What an abysmal performance. And Gephardt actually is taking a crack at running for president? We need a new House Minority Leader -- and fast...

-- JJ Balzer.

Dave "Doctor" Gonzo is a music and video producer. He lives in a fortified high-rise apartment compound somewhere in New York City.

JJ Balzer is a former television news producer. He lives in New York City.