Big Babies
When did Americans become such whiners?
by Alan Bisbort

March 11, 2003 -- HARTFORD (apj.us) -- Attention all good patriotic Americans. You are hereby notified that the Homeland Security level has been elevated to "beige." This means, according to Commissar Fleischer, that all French products are to be boycotted. If you are found with so much as a thimble of brie on your premises, you will be denied shower privileges for a week.

O, mon dieu! The gall of those Gauls! They won't lend their support to our slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians from 30,000 feet...I mean our "liberation" of the Iraqi people.

Nor can we count on the Germans, Russians, Chinese, Danes, Scandinavians, Turks, the Filipinos to lend us their blood-soaked hands. Hell, nobody but England and, I think, the Maldives has suited up and is in our dugout, and our cleanup hitter, Tony Blair, is looking less and less like Jason Giambi every day.

So, this is going to call for painful sacrifices, says Commissar Fleischer. You are going to have to take one for Team America right where it hurts the most: in your soft white underbelly.

No more drinkable wine! No more escargot! No more cheeses with unpronounceable names that you never purchased anyway. Is there no end to what we Americans will bear for this war effort? With scrappiness like this, you may turn out to be the (second) Greatest Generation!

But why stop at France? Let's elevate the level to "pink," as in "Pinko Commies" and go after Russia. Then up the ante to Prussian Blue, and hit Germany in the pocketbook. After all, Russia and Germany voted "Nyet" and "Nein," respectively, on the second U.N. war resolution. I can already see the caviar and vodka sales plummeting at Wal-Mart. As for the Germans, take those leather shorts to the landfill, fellow citizens, and burn those Kraftwerk albums. No more wiener schnitzel either. Repeat after Commissar Fleischer: Ich bin ein Americanischer!

Then there's the matter of Turkey. They wouldn't let us base our troops in their country, despite Bush offering them a bribe of us taxpayers' money three times their GNP. They, of course, have valid reasons for being queasy about aiding us-only about 95% of the Turkish people were violently opposed to having any part in an Iraq attack. Not to mention, they have a functioning democracy. So, it's obvious that we gotta get back at em. You are going to have to give up, hell, I don't know, Turkish taffy? Pomegranates? Weird shoes that have the toes that curl upward? And Shriners-sorry, you're gonna have to lose the fezzes.

The Danes and Scandanavians were not swayed by the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld charm offensive either, nor the Belgians, nor the Dutch, nor the Icelanders. Those ingrates let the Bush bandwagon pass by without jumping on board. Hell with em. No more, uh, uh, lessee...snow cones? Caribou wallets? Waffles with mounds of gooey blue glop on top? Mint-flavored toothpicks made from firs?

And don't forget the Chinese. No more drawers full of shoddily-made and now-broken gimcracks and gewgaws, and bookshelves that don't stand on their own and fingernail clippers that don't clip and pirated CDs, hell, just about every piece of junk choking the basement and attics of our palatial mini mansions. Get thee to the landfill!

And what about the Pope? He's thwarting our Leader! He dares to quote Christian scripture to a man who has a personal connection with God. Doesn't he know that George W. Bush has been picked by God to bring on the Rapture. Since the Pope is Polish, that puts the kibosh on the kielbasa. But he lives in Italy, so I guess we're gonna have to boycott...no...no, not the calzones and pizza! No, not the cannolis! OK...how about extra fine virgin olive oil blended with rosemary in those long-necked bottles in the specialties section of the upscale grocery store? Yeah, that'll show em we mean business!

And that Nelson "Peace Prize" Mandela has been dissing us. So has Bishop Tutu. No more kente cloth headbands...not even at Kwanzaa. And Jimmy Carter said Bush has set America's position in the world back 30 years. That's it for the boiled Georgia goobers or collectible Billy Beer cans.

Then, there are all those al-Qaeda agents in Hollywood, like Sheen, Sarandon, Hoffman and Penn...burn their videos! Only Christian Broadcasting Network's biopics about Jesus from here on out. That and Charlton Heston movies.

Lest we forget, the Cuban embargo needs to be sustained. That cigar boycott is working like a charm. After 40 years, we nearly have them on their knees.

No, but seriously, folks. All this talk of boycotts raises a question: How did Americans get to be such big babies? I mean, come on. In the grand tradition of histrionic, meaningless Republican-led gestures as Gerald Ford's WIN buttons, Reagan's Just Say No slogan, and Bush Sr.'s Thousand Points of Light, this boycott of French products will accomplish nothing but to further stupefy and distract the American people from the truth.

And, is it churlish of me to point out that boycotts work both ways? Pretty soon, the 80-85% of European people who, poll after poll show, want no part of a Bush-led war, will just stop buying American goods. In the long run, such a move may even strengthen their own economies and reestablish connections with their own ethnic, regional and national cultures, which is a small price to pay for giving up Big Macs, Bruce Willis movies and holsters of, uh, Freedom Fries.

God forbid that Americans make real sacrifices by melting down their SUV's into munitions, riding a bike or driving a fuel-efficient vehicle (one-quarter of our oil still is imported from Iraq). God forbid we enact a sensible national energy program that emphasizes alternative fuels and conservation. God forbid we slough off a couple thousand calories from our daily diets. God forbid we actually read the Bibles we are so menacingly thumping at the moment. Apparently, the Bible that Bush is thumping has had the phrase, "Blessed are the peacemakers" censored from it.

While we're on the subject of boycotts, I would like to direct you attention to BeTheCause.org, which has instituted a global boycott of companies that make significant financial contributions to the Bush administration. Their criteria for membership in this august group is that the company had to donate at least $400,000 to the Republican Election Campaign in 1999-2000; or donate to the Republican Election Campaign of 1999-2000 constituted at least 70% of total contributions. And the losers are:

• Altria (Phillip Morris), which contributed $3,094,237, or 82% of their total contributions.
• Exxon Mobil: $1,226,331, or 89% of their total contributions.
• PepsiCo Inc: $749,494, or 84% of their total contributions.
• United Parcel Service: $2,072,468, or 71% of their total contributions.

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His most recent book, coauthored with Parke Puterbaugh, is California Beaches (Avalon/Foghorn Outdoors), the 3rd edition of which will be published in April.