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LOTT APOLOGIZES FOR HIS APOLOGIES
by Steve Young

Dec. 17, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (APJP) -- The outrage in both Democratic and Republican circles over Trent Lott's round of apologies for his "Strom Thurmond shoulda been president" comments apologies reached fever pitch today.

After his first apology which said that he was "... only tryin' to make the old man feel good," which he apologized for with "I'm sorry if I offended anyone," which he followed with the apology, "What I meant to say was that if Lester Maddox had been elected president in '48 we wouldn't have the problems we have today," he issued another apology which read, "For Christ's sake! I was telling a f#@king joke! Doesn't anyone buy Bob Novak anymore?" Even his barbershop quartet rendition of McCartney's, "I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert," failed to stem the tide from his side of the aisle.

The New York Times' William Safire wrote, "The Uncle Albert intone was a clear sign of a pusillanimous tip of the apology hat to Al Gore."

In an attempt to stem the rising tide demanding that he not take the Majority Leader's post, Senator Lott's office issued another release: "For those of you I may offended by my apology, I apologize. And in case that's not good enough, I apologize for that."

Unfortunately, in what might be called the biggest faux pas to date, Lott's secretary didn't realize the Senator had finished dictating his apology's apology, causing the statement to close with, "That oughta keep those J!gab&$ lovin' sum-of-a-bitches quiet for a few minutes."

Jesse Jackson, who once again apologized for his "New York is Hymietown" remarks, said, "Mr. Lott's apologizing for his apology is so egregious, I can't even rhyme it."

In another possible political birthday comment firestorm, at a party for Al Gore, Hillary Clinton said "... if Al Gore had been elected in 2000, we wouldn't have the problems we have today." Clinton's office immediately offered an explanation saying, "The Senator had too much to drink. What she meant to say was, 'If I were elected President...."

Yes, Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (now available from Tallfellow Press). His new film, "My Dinner With Ovitz", has all of Hollywood abuzz. Visit the Great Failures Web Site!