Bush League Sopranos
by Alan Bisbort

Dec. 17, 2002 -- HARTFORD (APJP) -- The fourth season of "The Sopranos" just ended, and the nation's cultural life has taken a noticeable nosedive as a result.

We may, in fact, all need to check in with Tony Soprano's shrink, Dr. Melfi, for some counseling in order to survive until next season.

Before it gets to that point, however, may I suggest simply changing the channel to the White House -- but keeping the plot-line of "The Sopranos?"

It's not as hard as you think.

Just climb in your shiny black SUV, hit the New Jersey Turnpike, head south to the Washington, D.C. exit. Turn right -- sharp right -- at the stop sign, and... yes, this must be the place... a big white house with a gilded plaque affixed to the security gate: THE BUSHPRANOS! Who needs Tony, Carmela, Paulie, Uncle Junior, Christopher, Dr. Melfi, and Silvio, right? Right? (You can see that, like most thinking Americans, I'm grasping at straws here...).

Meet the cast: Paulie "WalMart-nuts" Rove, the powerful adviser; Silvio Rice, the tight-lipped expert who always goes along with the program; Uncle Jeb Bush, the Florida connection; Georgie "Numbnuts" Bushprano, the slow-witted son; Georgie "No-Nuts" Bushprano, the brutally pragmatic dad, and so on...you get the idea.

Every episode will open with young Georgie leaping onto the mechanical bull behind his desk in the Oval Office. "Giddyap!" he yelps. "King Georgie is in the house, ya'll! I hit the trifecta! Power, money, nuke-yoo-ler weapons and pretzels!" At which point, his valet, Airy "Commode" Flusher, comes out of the closet and, while pulling a face at the camera, sighs, "That's FOUR, Mr. President..."

Cue the laugh track, America! Where's your sense of humor?!

Before tuning in, however, some Bushprano background is in order. In the Bushprano Family saga, Saddam is Ralphie; thus, he is called Saddam Ralphie. Back in the 1980s, the Bushprano Family cut the murderous dictator a deal. They even gave him chemical weapons. The deal was cut when Georgie Numbnuts' dad, Georgie No-Nuts, was Vice President and Ron the Don (a.k.a. "Loose Nuts") was President. The idea was to keep Saddam "Completely Nuts" Ralphie's psychopathic anger focused on a common enemy, the rival Ayatolo Family. The deal, sealed with a 1983 handshake from Bushprano capo Don "Ready to Rumble" Rumsfeld (then Ronnie Loose Nuts' envoy), was this: "Yo, Saddam, you give us protection from these crazy, Yankee-hatin', self-flagellatin' Muslims, keep their dirty hands offa 'our' oil fields and we'll let you do whatever the hell you want!"

The Bushpranos kept their end of the bargain, pleading the Fifth when Saddam Ralphie used those American-made chemical weapons first on the Iranians and then on the Kurds. But Saddam Ralphie did not keep his end of the bargain. He just got too big for his wholly-owned-subsidiary-of-Bushprano britches. He wanted it all: a Persian Gulf port, his own oil deals, an expanded protection racket. He defied a direct order from Georgie "No-Nuts" Bushprano -- and for this he must be whacked.

The Bushpranos played it wicked cool, though, sending a broad what wuz named April Glaspie (alias "Pauline Hazelnuts") to talk him out of what he wuz a-fixin' to do -- whack Kuwait. Last time the Bushpranos ever trust a broad with a man's job. The transcripts of Pauline's meeting with Saddam Ralphie make it clear she played it too cool, and Saddam Ralphie got the impression he had a green light to move on Kuwait

"So, Ralphie, ya see, No Nuts is gonna, and I mean
no disrespect to him or to you or to Allah when I
say dis, but he is gonna do get out of that loop
thing."

"Let me get dis straight, Hazelnuts, and I mean no
disrespect to duh Godfadduh, but I'm suggestin'
that it would be more conducive to your health if
you conveniently don't see dose 350,000 Iraqi
troops amassed at the Kuwaiti border... do I makes
myself clear?"

"Clear as a tanker full of unleaded, Saddam Ralphie,
we are all one loopy set of Nuts over here."

And yet, meanwhile, back at the Bushprano HQ, Georgie No-Nuts is pacin' around like a rabid gerbil when he hears Pauline Hazelnuts has preemptively taken duh Family outta duh loop. You remember that episode from the Bushpranos' first season, don't you? ("Shucks, Barmela, I'm steamed about SAD-dum... he'd be just another trusted tinhorn dictator without me..." "Ah, Georgie Poo, settle down afore you get so riled up you cain't sleep...").

So here we are, 12 years later, with the dim son in charge of the Bushprano Family. Georgie Numbnuts and Dick "Invisible Nuts" Cheney are kickin' them defense contracts back at No Nuts over at Carlyle and the old gang at Halliburton. They're tossin' plums to "Mumbles" Kissinger (who tossed it back) and "Stiff Pipes" Poindexter. Hell, even "Knuckles" Newt Gingrich and Elliott "Death Squad" Abrams are back in the loop.

This is precisely why, for our own national sanity, I insist we must find our entertainment where we can. And I truly believe that the White House follies are our best bet at the moment, especially now that the wheels are coming off the shiny black SUV. So, strap yourself in, grab a 6-pack of Cipro, some smallpox vaccine chasers, a gas mask, and start diggin' that bomb shelter.

What a show. What a nation.

(Cue the laugh track).

Alan Bisbort is a columnist for the Hartford Advocate. His more recent book is "Famous Last Words" (Pomegranate). He is co-author (with Parke Puterbaugh) of "California Beaches", the 3rd edition of which will be published in February 2003.