Jews Storm Bethlehem! Germans Against War!
(One headline we thought we'd never see.)
by David Marsden

97% of US college students have never heard of Admiral Poindexter, 24% couldn't find Canada on a large map of North America, 23% couldn't say which country Mexico City is the capital of, and 19% have never seen a map.
-- The Stirrup Entrance Poll & Gynaecological Device Organization

Nov. 22, 2002 -- BARUBA (asticles.com) -- Between November 10 and November 20, 2002, field agents from the FBI disguised as field agents from the famed Stirrup Organization polled* 1,765 US college students between the ages of 18 and 21.

(* 14 of them -- from "Playboy's 2003 Back to School" issue -- quite literally.)

Their main findings (in descending order) as always with a +/- 5% margin of error:

85% think all international news sucks.

84% think political news sucks.

83% think business news sucks.

82% think news sucks.

81% think "Playboy's Back to School" issues suck.

80% think the girls of "Playboy's Back to School" issues suck.

79% think all the news that sucks is the result of a small group of rich right-wing media barons who would be far better off showing live autopsies and film of Michael Jackson dangling babies from luxury Berlin hotel balconies instead of wasting time showing poor hungry people walled in and surrounded by tanks and armed troops (with the exception of old black and white film allegedly taken in Warsaw in 1941, that they find "kinda interesting").

78% think the War on Drugs ended shortly after "we kicked them Vietnamese asses."

77% think the Vietnam War must have been a glorious victory, otherwise "why build such a nice memorial?"

76% don't think.

75% think Randy and Dennis Al Qaeda are identical twin brothers married to Meg Ryan and Jennifer Aniston respectively, who sometimes appear together in movies like "The Fabulous Baker Boys."

74% think Iraq should be immediately attacked with smart bombs by however-smart generals for bitching about us destroying all their airbases, imposing economic sanctions and denying basic medical supplies for pre-schoolers for the past 10 years, and calling it a war.

73% think Cuba Gooding should never have been awarded custody of Elian Gonzalez.

72% think Germans are a bunch of lily-livered, peace-loving, scaredy-cat wimps who wouldn't lift a finger to defend the free world even if their own parliament building got burned down by an alleged Dutch terrorist who later turned out to be mental incompetent released from a Dresden mental institution specifically to do it.

71% think the War on Grenada was a glorious chapter in Spanish-American relations and the Philippines deserved all they got.

70% think the United Kingdom resulted from the merger of United Fruit and Animal Kingdom.

69% think there are more weapons of mass destruction in Nevada and Arizona than in Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, India, Israel and North Korea combined, but "Hey, nobody's perfect."

68% are not opposed to increased Draconian infringements on civil liberties if it means stable weed and Coors Lite prices for another year or two. Or at least until after graduation.

67% think Guantanamo Bay was Carlos Santana's first big hit.

66% think McDonald's French Fries contribute largely to obesity but, "Hey, they taste, man!"

65% think Cuba Gooding should be immediately attacked with smart bombs for bitching about us destroying all his airbases, imposing sanctions and denying basic medical supplies for his pre-schoolers for the past 40 years.

And a whopping 2% still think the "American People" stand a chance -- down significantly from the 85% on September 10, 2001.