The "No Party" System
by David Marsden

WASHINGTON, Nov. 7 -- "The president now has a clear mandate to
step up to the plate to meet head-on all the unique and
incredibly challenging challenges of the 21st Century and
move forward to expand this, the greatest truly democratic
nation on earth, to its next logical level where even more
people just plain don't bother to vote," Mr. Fleischer said.
-- The New Tork Yimes On-Lime

Nov. 8, 2002 -- BARUBA (asticles.com) -- Promising we'd all now get to see the "true humanitarian on the inside" of Mr. Bush (as only he's been privileged to do once during a billionaire Saudi Arabian Prince state-visit Texas domesticated turkey shoot), White House spokesman Ari Fleischer yesterday basked in the ever-adulating and practically-ovulating "my eyes have seen the glory" aura tora bora of his boss, and said the outcome of Tuesday's election, which caught even many Republicans by surprise, could be seen "as clear a statement as possible that Americans wanted nothing more on earth than an end to this incessant Washington gridlock -- not an end to poverty, hunger, intolerance, racism, Moslem Fundamentalism, homelessness, gay abortions, gun-toters, political correctness, war, pestilence, flatulence, child obesity, Christian Coalitions, underage drinking, Rampant Zionism or drug-induced college football and resulting consenting dormitory date-rapes as we know and respect them."

And unprotected sex?

"Duh? No way!" he emphasised as bluntish as he is, "just Washington gridlock. As a matter of fact, we've learned fundamentally from bitter experience at the end of the day when all is said and done, acute gridlock results fundamentally when the two main parties posture and bicker over minute punctuation in water-drilling-rights or centuries-old deforestation or right-of-passage deed details!"

He added, brusquely, "When they could be out there greasing palms among their wealthy and influential used-car-dealer, vaginal cosmetic surgery, reconstructive dentistry and/or slumlord-property-development constituents -- or -- even better for the nation and mankind in general -- exposing themselves and trusted members at prestigious televised golf and tennis tournaments, meeting and greeting otherwise difficult to lay hands on tobacco, oil, insurance, pharmaceutical, automobile, armament, genetically-manipulated-food, banking, public relations, entertainment and airline company executives and their lobbyists to raise hard-earned soft-money for reelection campaigns and hard-money for ever-higher-hard-walled villas in Baruba."

"I think this result also clearly proves what Democrats and Republicans and independents really want from Washington is brave, fearless leaders who come here to Washington expressly to get this vitally fundamental chore of gridlock-ridding done clinically and efficiently in real time. And if they find some extra unreal time to simultaneously enrich themselves handsomely, then so be it."

Asked timidly why Mr. Bush chose not to speak publicly yesterday about the results, Mr. Fleischer said, "His divine and beatified silence characterises that 'touch of graciousness' my benevolent boss possesses and an innate deep-root-carnal desire not to overly piss-off the roughly 175,657,113 citizens who still firmly -- and stupidly -- believe this country is losing the intrinsic values of goodness and tolerance set-out so clearly by our Fondling Fathers. But that was over 200 years ago. So it's now about time -- or perhaps real-time -- we all get on board and with the programme so that in another 200 years historians can play with their Palms too and say the 2002 mid-term elections were the decisive moment when the last great superpower on earth changed from being a 'Two Party' society into a "No Party' state.

"'This should begin the descent towards the "Let's Party" State that we all so cherish today,' I hope they'll also say," he added churlishly.

"And if I may end today on a very personal note at the end of the day," Ari tossed-off arily with a slight hint of his typical disingenuous graciousness, "I'll tell you frankly, and you too Wolf Blitzer, what makes this brutally-hard task of facing you reporters who'd much rather be syndicated columnists so passionately rewarding and worthwhile.

"Fielding your questions and what's more incredible, then reading how you report my shite replies word-for-word. And, oh yes, because I never forget to say 'A level playing field'... hmnnn... and 'the fact of the matter is...'!"