American Politics Journal -- Pundit Pap

Pundit Pap
for Sunday, October 6
Smirk declares war inevitable; pundits play along
by JJ Balzer

October 6, 2002 -- NEW YORK (APJP) -- The pundits and pols went into Sunday spin mode following some key developments:

The media continued to follow the lead of Junior's handlers and kept Iraq at the top of the news -- despite the arrest of alleged terrorists this week underlining the fact that the war against terrorism is far from over, and Al Qaeda poses a far more clear and immediate danger to America than Saddam Hussein.

Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (with what now looks like help from the "conciliatory" House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt) looks to have forced the two versions of bills that would permit Ex-Governor Goofus to wage war against Iraq. The pundits continued to spin a "divided' Democratic party, but the fact is it remains the only major party that allows open debate of national issues rather than lockstep loyalty to Karl Rove's dicta.

The economy cropped up as an actual issue on a few of the Sunday shows -- but as a distant second to that all-important Iraq issue. Can't help the GOP win elections if you remind people of the real bread-and-butter issues that affect their everyday lives...

And, of course, the opinion elite were looking forward to tomorrow night's campaign spee... er, national address on Iraq by the so-called "president".

We were shorthanded this week, but did take a peek at the first half of This Week and all of Defeat the Press. Sure, Gephardt and Daschle were slumming on Pundit Row, but the high point of the weekend was the lunatic ranting of Richard Perle.

Here's the spin:

This Weak
Iraq, Iraq, the economy and Iraq

Instead of jumping headfirst into red-meat politics, George "Staphylococcus" turned to an ABC correspondent for an update on the sniper shootings that have plagued Maryland, Virginia and the District. Yawn. We grabbed a coffee.

Then followed a tapes interview with Mohammad al-Dhouri, Iraq's ambassador to the US. His command of English is passable, but his heavy accent does not exactly make him the most palatable spokesperson for Saddam Hussein. In fact, you sort of have to feel sorry for anyone stuck defending the Mideast's nastiest tyrant and the number one target of Loose W. Cannon. Steph's questions were terse; al-Dhouri's answers short and to the point:
Steph said that the UN won't send in inspectors without a new resolution; al-Dhouri said he's waiting to see specifics of the next resolution.
Steph said UN chief inspector Hans Blix wants no conditions; al-Dhouri said that's agreeable. (Now that's a BIG admission and an apparent concession -- but given Saddam's history of saying one thing and doing another, it's kind of hard to buy.)
Will Iraq accept no-warning inspections? Al-Dhouri feigned "cooperation".
Steph asked about interviewing Iraqi personnel, then asked if an armed support force would be acceptable; al-Dhouri said that the US has its own agenda, regime change (Tell us something we DON'T know, Mohammad...), implying that armed forces would be used to depose Saddam.
Steph asked about the possibility of diplomats accompanying inspectors; al-Dhouri said only the US is of the opinion that this should happen -- and denied Iraq had WMDs. Al-Dhouri then slammed America's positions as "unacceptable argumentation" and said America's main goal is "change of regime."
So why not call The US's (i.e. Smirk's) bluff and let inspectors in? Al-Dhouri: "We'll see." (Translation: "Hmmmm, that might not be that bad an idea after all!")
Al-Dhouri added that the US goal is to steal Iraqi oil; Steph replied that Powell said if Iraq lets inspectors in, Saddam can stay in power.
Al-Dhouri also slammed America's war history, citing Vietnam. (Oddly, he didn't mention Desert Storm. You'd think that would be an obvious point.)
Steph said that Desert Storm was a walkover, and Iraq's defenses are in worse shape now; al-Dhouri said Iraq would defend itself -- but wants "normalized relations."

So while things may seem status quo, it looks like the big headline is that Iraq is leaning toward unconditional inspections. Of course, given the Idiot Prince's penchant for rattling his saber, that could change -- most likely after tomorrow night's Oval Office Infomercial.

Steph then welcomed House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt, and said that Iraq now seems open to a new UN resolution. Gephardt was skeptical -- he wants to see what Iraq actually does (read: he wants to see how they react to El Stupido W. Arbusto's speech tomorrow night). Steph said al-Dhouri does not really care about inspections (huh does he actually believe what he just said?); Gephardt said Iraq has a history of disrupting and interrupting inspections, but they can go forward, they must be rigorous, and if WMDs are found they must be destroyed. "We have to disarm Iraq [of WMDs], that's the goal," said Gephardt. Steph said House Minority Whip Nancy Pelosi has said she sees nothing that indicates Iraq can deploy WMDs against the US; Gephardt said "everything I think" changed September 11th, 2001, he is concerned that terrorists can get WMDs, and the number one source is Iraq.

Now, that's a good point to stop for a moment and contemplate from a political standpoint. This justification gives Gephardt the cover he needs to claim that he is working in a bipartisan manner. It also allows Daschle to be the "bad cop" on the issue of giving Shrub pretty much unprecedented power to wage war. Yes, it may irk some in the Democratic party -- but it gives both Daschle and Gephardt wiggle room. Unfortunately, it also hands the RNC and media pundits ammunition to say the Democrats are "paralyzed" even if that is not the case.

Steph asked Gephardt if he has seen evidence of ties between Iraq and Al Qaeda? Gephardt said there is intelligence, and it's "additive" -- though there's no smoking gun. So the definition of "imminent" must expand? Gephardt said we must do everything to stop a WMD from being detonated in the US.

Gephardt then tipped the Dems' hand just a hair: he said that he and Daschle had worked toward an Iraq resolution, focusing on terror and WMDs and requiring Smirk to go to the UN before military action is undertaken. There is other wording he had wanted, but "the essentials are in there."

Translation: Hastert will have to give something the Daschle if the bill is to be resolved.

Steph then mentioned a whining op-ed piece by the Saint Louis Post-Dispatch ("Gephardt caves"). Gephardt replied that you can't play politics with this, this is about war, life and death. Steph then showed an idiotic campaign commercial about a candidate who supports a missile defense boondoggle. Gephardt ridiculed it, saying that one's votes on missile defense is meaningless when there are bigger issues.

Good. It's about time -- but Gephardt should have been tougher, saying that a missile defense would have been useless against the September 11th terrorists, and the success of those attacks mean that our nation's enemies are more likely to launch nontraditional attacks against centralized soft targets. Those enemies include Saddam -- and that is a point Democrats have to drive home: Chimpy's "defense" and "national security brainless trust are locked into an obsolete military war model, including missile defense that'll do no good whatsoever if Saddam unleashes smallpox in the heartland.

Steph then played the DNC's brilliant Flash commercial about Social Security privatization -- and called it "scaring" voters. (Gotta love that George -- abandoning his values to repeat RNC spin on national television). Gephardt smiled at Li'l Judas and fired back, blasting GOPers for daring to question Tom Daschle's patriotism.

If Dems take back the House, will he run for speaker? "It's not about me, it's about Social Security" and half a dozen other issues. (Translation: yes.) Gephardt said his focus is getting back a House Democrat majority.

We had to break away for awhile, but watched a few seconds of the hopeless round table. Their main spin seemed to be"Democrats are divided."

So we changed the channel.

Meet the Tim
Daschle schools the RNC's Sunday morning spokesman

Will Democrats kowtow to the Texas Dauphin? Will they hold the Senate?

Tim's first guest was Senate Majority Leader (got that, Trent?) Tom Daschle. Will the resolution on Iraq pass? Daschle said yes, with "broad bipartisan" support -- and "improvements" in language (translation: we WILL put the Smirkmeister on a leash), as this authorizes possible "unilateral" action. Daschle said he wants to "tie down" the language.

That was Daschle's top spin for the day -- he would say it a few more times. The message is clear: the bill will have to be resolved before a final version is sent to the Oval Office -- and Daschle intends to rein in.

We got a good response to our "de-Babelizing" of Tony Snow and Brit Hume a couple weeks back during FAUX News Sunday -- so here follows the remainder of the interview, stripped of all the pundit code words and revealing Tim's actual meaning:

Tim: You've got a problem with the Commander-in-Chief sending our boys to take out Saddam?
Daschle: That clueless doof has come up with pretty questionable reasons for the use of force. And yes, WMDs remains an issue -- emphasis on issue as opposed to marching into Baghdad and shooting.

Tim: If there's a need to resolve two the House and Senate versions of the bill to hand over war powers to Smirk, you guys will be dragging your feet -- and depriving Smirk of power! Shame on you!
Daschle: Slow down, Tim. WMDs remain the key issue -- and it is our responsibility to tie down the language and specify where use of force is appropriate, making it crystal clear to Doofus and his gaggle of Cold War handlers.

Tim: Let me prove you're a hypocrite with your own words [rattling off a point he made years ago during Clinton's presidency] -- you gave Clinton powers you don't want to give to my boy George! You're UNPATRIOTIC!
Daschle: Baloney. You know the situation was different -- and you're not doing a very good job fooling the viewers this week, Tim. This time around, the United States had damn well better have global support before we take military action against Iraq -- the sort of cooperation we received time and again under the last legitimate President we had, William Jefferson Clinton.

Tim: But... but... Saddam's an imminent threat. Don't you agree? Are you a REAL American?
Daschle: Take a chill pill, Tim: yes, Saddam poses a real threat, but we have to anticipate what he might do.

Tim: Then give Smirk power!
Daschle: Not until the language is right -- language that will keep his irrational ambitions at least in check.

Tim: So Snippy can go to the UN and say "Dems are with me"!
Daschle: Good, boy, Tim, you're learning.

Tim: But Saddam won't comply with inspections!
Daschle: It's true he doesn't have anything approaching even a fair track record -- truth is, we and the world may have no choice.

Tim: Okay, Smirk has his dream, no more Saddam, what do we do the day after?
Daschle: We'd better be prepared for contentious factions in Iraq, along with lots of hard work (read: lots of hard cash) helping them establish a real, representative government.

Tim: Rep. Jim McDermott's a troublemaker! When he was in Iraq, he said Iraq will let us inspect -- and he criticized Junior!
Daschle (donning pink tutu): Oh, he shouldn't have done that, but (removing pink tutu) it is our patriotic duty to disagree with Little George when we disagree on policy -- and ESPECIALLY when we may act unilaterally. How dare these unreconstructed reactionaries question OUR patriotism?

Tim (first playing Daschle's demand for an apology from the First Imbecile): How dare you mischaracterize Fearless Leader's words? (Playing Monkey Boy whining about "homeland security") You should apologize to Smirk because he was not talking about national security!
Daschle: Please, Tim -- you know the GOP code words as well as I do, and now they are ADMITTING they are politicizing the war on terrorism and "homeland security". Meanwhile, the economy is tanking and that moron is asleep at the wheel -- and he's busy crossing the line and insulting Democrats. He has failed to apologize, and I won't apologize to him when he lies like a Persian rug.

Tim: But... but... but... unionized Homeland Security staffers will threaten our security!
Daschle: Oh, please, Tim! If the Skull and Bones Administration were so satisfied with current law on homeland security, why do they want to change it? Sure, the executive branch needs some flexibility -- but His Subliminableness wants cronyism! You want a bunch of doctrinaire, unreconstructed paranoid Cold Warriors in the Homeland Security Secret Police? Wake up, you moron!

Tim: But... but... but...
Daschle: But accountability! But openness! But we've offered them an up-or-down vote and the GOP has filibustered five times!

Tim: So Junior will go around the country blaming you for no Homeland Security Office.
Daschle: Thanks to the Republicans -- and we'll play that card.

Tim: Let's turn to my huge tax cut. You want to take it away from me and Jack Welch, you little turd, don't you.
Daschle: Idiot Boy wants to make permanent the tax giveback to rich, spoiled lugs like you. Well, eat this, fat boy: he can forget about it. He wants a war? He can't afford a goddamn war with the deficits he's running. Democrats are now the party of fiscal responsibility.

Tim: But... but... but... you approved the farm bill!
Daschle: What's the problem with a safety net for natural disasters?
Tim: But that's not a hurricane bill!
Daschle: Tim, the drought is a national disaster. Ad hoc bills had to make up for the "Freedom for ADM to Farm" bill.

Tim: It's time to bash Bob Torricelli -- here's Helmut Head Lott spinning (video clip of Lott lying about the nature of the issue).
Daschle: Seven New Jersey justices, the majority appointed by Republican governor Christie Whitman, say voters should have a choice.
Tim: So what's the new litmus test for switching out candidates? a week?
Daschle: Who writes this stuff for you, Forrester's campaign team? In this case, there was plenty of time for a change.

Tim: So are Dems going to lose the Senate?
Daschle: We'll pick up a couple seats.

Yessirree, when you read between the lines, Daschle was in a pretty uppity mood. Good for him.

Following the break, Tim welcomed two defense "experts" -- arch-reactionary and Defense Policy Board Chairman Richard Perle, and Leon Fuerth, adviser to former vice president Al Gore.

Tim: Mister Perle, explain the threat Saddam poses for the ditto-heads.
Perle: He's got WMDs! He's a threat!
Tim: Pelosi says she's seen nothing.
Perle: She hasn't seen what we want her to see! Pelosi's not an intelligence expert! Saddam wants nukes! Saddam wants longer range missiles! We can't wait -- even if our overwhelming power is a deterrent
Fuerth: Oh, please, there's no evidence he can hit America with missiles -- but he could hit our forces in the region. The real issue is whether we should immunize the population and stick with the deterrent that exists.

Tim: Saddam won't cooperate!
Fuerth: Congress will give Junior some power -- the question is whether Americans are even thinking about the cost of war.
Tim: Huh?
Fuerth: Okay, Tim, I'll say this nice and slow so you can understand: were he to be pushed to the wall, Saddam may use Al Qaeda tactics, and the Administration keeps changing their tune. "Disarmament!" "Regime change!" Okay, which one?
Perle: There will be no disarmament without regime change. Just won't happen, Nuh-uh. We'll see to it, dammit! If Saddam cooperates, it's an act -- that's what we'll say after we take that evildoer of evil out!
Tim: I'm with ya, big boy -- here's a graphic of one of Saddam's palaces.
Fuerth: You idiot! If you corner him, he will have nothing to lose by unleashing WMDs. If Saddam says "Okay, come on in," I think these idiots surrounding Smirk will say, "Let's roll."
Perle: But Saddam has mobile chem-bio labs! They're MOBILE! They're an IMMINENT THREAT! We're NEVER gonna get an inspection regime even if we get an inspection regime! it's WAR, dammit!
Fuerth: The Administration is still not stating their intent. Is it disarmament, or is it deposing Saddam? Well, Dick? You gonna give a straight answer, or are you just going to continue with your ranting?
Perle: It's deposing Saddam. He won't disarm. That is a GIVEN -- even with evidence to the contrary!
Tim: Gore has dared to question Prince George's first strike doctrine.
Fuerth: Gore is right. Preemption doctrine is unnecessary, a distraction form more pressing issues -- and a catastrophe waiting to happen.
Perle: There were a series of conditions attached to the Desert Storm cease-fire. Saddam has broken all of them. The international community deserves justice -- so we'll act unilaterally!
Fuerth: Iraq is in breach -- but we can act under existing UN resolutions. Lemme ask you this: what about Iran's missiles and nuclear program? Where does Smirky stand on that?
Tim: Okay, Iran harbors Al Qaeda --do we act unilaterally?
Perle: No, my boy, THEIR people are dissatisfied with their regime, and there are Al Qaeda in Iraq...hold it... that makes no sense...oops!
Fuerth: I haven't seen one bit of evidence that supports this lunatic sitting next to me. Gore nailed it: unilateralism is stupid.
Tim: If we attack, will Saddam be assassinated?
Perle: He's a brute. I'm pushing that line.
Tim: If we attack and we get to Baghdad -- urban warfare? a new leader?
Perle: Ignore the specter of urban warfare! We should have taken out the Republican Guard back in '91! Kill! Kill! Smirk must be given a free hand to send our children to their deaths!
Fuerth: This guy you have me sitting next to is a fruitcake, Tim. He doesn't want Americans to consider the consequences. The administration is lowballing the cost and has no plan for closure. Sure, someone might off Saddam, just like that meathead Ari suggested -- but this is a long-lasting engagement.
Tim (showing rare lucidity): And expensive.
Fuerth: Darn tootin' Tim, you're starting to get it.

Tim: What about Israel?
Perle: They've got missiles! Cool!
Tim: In '91, we warned Saddam about using WMDs or else -- should we do the same again?
Perle: Yes.

There you have it -- unspun, in plain English.

JJ Balzer is a former television news producer. He lives in New York City.