Oh, What a Wuss!
By David Marsden
"Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, in separate speeches
Wednesday, both claimed world terrorism, Iraq, corporate
sleaze, doubleclick pop-up web ads, Enron, Israel, West Nile
Virus, conjoined Guatemalan twin girls, WorlCom, vapid cable
network newsreaders, vapid Martha Stewart, Adelphia, the
Phillies and baseball players on steroids were endemic when
they were inaugurated in January 2001, implying the blame
rested on President Clinton's shoulders."
-- The New Tork Yimes on the Web, August 8, 2002
August 8, 2002 -- Baruba (asticles.com) -- Documents released today by an anonymous White House staffer (thought to be the president's most trusted personal and private secretary judging by the official return address wax seal affixed firmly on the envelope in case of non-delivery, and obtained by this reporter secretly in a large package marked "Hand Deliver Urgently to his Home" delivered by hand to his home by a man with a dog in distinctive FedEx boxer shorts and socks) show the rapidly-declining perilous state of the nation in the days, hours, minutes and seconds immediately before President Bill Clinton prepared to evacuate the White House furniture in January 2001.
If these staggering facts are true it could forever raise doubts about the true veracity of all men and women, past, present or future, holding on like grim death while temporarily squatting in the nation's highest office.
Apparently, so many things were going wrong at the same time in late 2000 it's difficult to know where to start.
But for today let's try by starting with world terrorism and sliding over to slimy corporate sleaze, shall we?
++ World Terrorism ++
Two whole days before Clinton told his closest aids to coil and wrap the Rose Garden garden-hose, information was received that the long-thought-over yet still and always potent -- like the man himself -- dire threat of world terrorism was again rearing its ugly fountainhead to the fully-erect position.
Thought to have been eradicated completely in the Lower Sudan Rain Forest in 1957 after the WHO? successfully inoculated or forced all newborns to swallow the Dr. Jonas Salk "Sugarcoated Anti-Terror Pill", terror outbreaks suddenly -- almost overnight -- started to pop-up in Pakistan, Colombia, Northern Ireland, the Basque region of Spain, Chechnya, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, Nablus, Angola, Australian detention camps, Indonesia, The Philippines, The Falkland (Los Malvinas) Islands and (most scary of all) deep inside the bowels of the once-thought-impregnable Anglo-French cross-Channel Tunnel.
And that's only the "Top 14".
Early indications showed this new virulent (and apparently incurable) virus originated in the chimpanzee cage in the Kabul (Afghanistan) Zoo and was somehow mysteriously passed to humans by the intimate transfer -- or indiscriminate and deliberate leakage -- of precious body fluids, including, yes, 'fraid so, human semen...
...and within hours transmitted by traditionally-notoriously-promiscuous airline appropriately-named cockpit personnel to the far corners of the globe.
According to the also-leaked documents, the Clinton administration completely ignored the warnings and anyway omitted to mention this to the Bush takeover team who were also anyway too busy documenting the missing sterling silver spoons given to the "American People" in 1986 by France's President Mitterand in line with the "Open Door" policy of the new administration "that they probably wouldn't have sensed the gravity of the situation anyway" as Mr. Clinton told this reporter when reached late last night on his cellphone while on an investigative personal fact-finding tour of Amsterdam's legendary "Red Light" district.
++ Corporate Sleaze, Illegal Bookkeeping and Pensionless Retirement Plans ++
Apparently all hell broke loose on the night of December 21, 2000 when Martha Stewart was seen at New York's JFK International Airport entering the Enron private jet ostensibly to leave on a pre-Christmas rattan weaving expedition to Bavaria.
However, according to documents mysteriously leaked by Swiss air traffic control authorities but only after two planes crashed mysteriously at a Ukrainian airshow recently to divert attention from the two planes that crashed equally-mysteriously over Switzerland, the Boeing XP jet never left US airspace.
Instead, it allegedly headed straight to the Greenbrier Spa & Resort in West Virginia where a team of leading Democrats under the sorely-battered and still-sore leadership of Al Gore concocted a massive stock and share manipulation swindle to discredit all future Non-Democratic Party incoming administrations.
Documents clearly show house-of-cards companies built on sand in (not entirely coincidentally) Texas and Florida were deliberately forced to enter into what many might call (and do) the greatest mass coordinated stock manipulation swindle ever perpetrated by a departing administration to totally discredit a new one while forcing millions of pensioners who worked their fingers to the bone to think (however foolishly) they would one day be be able to live comfortably within walking distance of the large 67,000 sq.ft. villas and mansions to be built in Boca Raton and/or Baruba by the CEO's and CFO's if they went along with the dastardly scheme.
Anyway, sensing they were boxed-in and/or cornered the compliant CEO's and CFO's inflated themselves and their stock options to unprecedented levels using deliberately-selected single and childless unwitting lackeys at Arthur Andersen, Ernst & Young, KMPG and Merrill Lynch who knew nothing about the scams or that they would be the first to be sent to the slaughter and jail yet receive regular visits and candy from the CEO's and CFO's of Arthur Andersen, Ernst & Young, KMPG and Merrill Lynch if they too were still in business and a Democtratic administration achieved re-election in 2004.
Beside the Prinzenkracht Canal Mr. Clinton scoffed at this too.
"If you want to know what really happened, Al, Tipper, Hilary, Chelsea and I were making hurried arrangements for Marc Rich to get a secret FedEx shipment of my personal papers and a Bekins sealed container filled with articles of intimate apparel apparently badly-soiled by deliberately-leaking precious body fluids, in return for a pardon and complete silence on the part of Swiss air traffic control authorities."
Copyright © 2002, David Marsden.Copyright © 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997, 1996, American Politics Journal Publications, Inc.
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ISSN No. 1523-1690