Our Man Offshore
Most "powerful" man? Yeah, right!
by David Marsden

"Never in the history of mankind has one man never been listened-to by so many."
--High Afghan Poppy Farmer and Fierce Warlord SUV driver, July 23, 2002

July 26, 2002 -- The Sunny Caribbean (asticles.com) -- The staggering realisation that no one, but no one, listens to the president anymore is changing the way the "American People" face the dire prospect of ending-up totally destitute after fifty years of saving for good teeth and a comfortable retirement in Boca Raton -- and seeing everything the aggressive bald guy on CNNfn recommended enthusiastically only yesterday evaporate within literally seconds like the wafting aroma of a marijuana spliff smoked openly on Oxford Street, London's busiest, since Great Britain saw the light and joined the rapidly growing list of enlightened nations who realise more people now smoke dope than cigarettes -- and vote, too.

This fact has not gone unnoticed elsewhere as today's 'quick whip-round-the-world' testifies.

Israel
Following Monday's cunningly-timed-at-midnight F-16 Tomahawk missile attack on an apartment block while whole families were slumbering that was surgically designed to kill and maim an equal number of civilian babies not exceeding the number killed and maimed on Israeli busses since last Christmas Day, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon praised his crack pilots for "a job well done" and assured them they will not be sought out, arrested and tried before the Vague Hague Human Rights (or Lefts) Tribunal since no one will ever know who did it and anyway they were just following orders.

"Furthermore," he continued, "Mr. Bush's 'heavy handed' speech mouthed by his ventriloquist dummy Ari Fleischer can be taken as a mild approval otherwise he'd have said it himself or worse, said it was wrong. But since no-one's listening it doesn't matter anyway."

Kabul
Acting President Hamed Karzai wants immediate assurances from Washington that the crack and elite troops currently planning a sequel to the botched Anaconda raid will be recalled to Kabul forthwith to guard the presidential palace and service and drive his gas-guzzling SUVs after threats against his life and extensive wardrobe, and repeated unanswered emails to the White House which lead to a growing suspicion in Afghanistan that not only is no one listening to what the US president says but no one is listening to what the acting president of Afghanistan says either.

Wall Street
The Chairman and squeaky-clean and squeaky-voiced CEO of the New York Stock Exchange apologised Tuesday for telling the aggressive equally-bald Yul Brynner look-alike guy on CNNfn that he wanted the nation to get behind and/or back him in an open war on terrorism in the board room.

He said he thought he'd heard the president say he wanted an aggressive move against terrorism and then sometime later in the same sentence thought he mentioned something or other about getting rid of people occupying board rooms illegally so he figured he was asking for a war on terrorism in board rooms but since -- like most other "American People" -- he wasn't really listening, he went off on a tangent and hence his misspoken appeal apology which the other bald guy immediately accepted.

United Nations
In a thoroughly non-representative and totally-unscientific CNNfn poll released today to dramatically divert attention from the plummeting numbers or the beautiful woman to the right of your screen, the aggressive bald guy confirmed what many people were beginning to suspect all along.

When asked, "In these times of crisis who do you most like to listen to?" a paltry 3% said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan while only a meagre 1.8% said "the President of the United States of America", which both pale in comparison -- literally and figuratively -- when compared to the staggering 92.4% saying they preferred the belligerent bodily-hairless guy.

Which will please no end the remaining embattled boardroom members of AOL Time Warner watching the plummeting numbers beside the flashing red arrows to the right of your screen and awaiting a call from Harvey Pitt.

Copyright © 2002, David Marsden.
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ISSN No. 1523-1690