American Politics Journal

ROSIE O'DONNELL SHOCKS ALL BY COMING OUT!
WHO'S NEXT...RICHARD SIMMONS?!
by Steve Young

Mar. 9, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (TNFS/APJP) -- In a totally unexpected revelation made to 20/20's Diane Sawyer, comedienne and TV talk show host Rosie O'Donnell claimed to not being heterosexual.

"You could've knocked me over with a 5-inch French tickler" conceded the sinewy Sawyer. "When you ask one of the most come-hither divas in show business, 'Who sets her libido a-twitter?', the last name you expect to pop-up is Janet Reno. I thought I was just lobbing her a soft ball set-up for one of her tedious Tom Cruise routines but when the former Attorney's General's name came out of her mouth, I was sure Barbara Walters put her up to it because she didn't get the interview."

O'Donnell's staff was also broadsided.

"I just thought she was picky," said Rosie's band leader, John McDaniel. "There's sure to be a lot of our heartbroken sailors out there when the news hits the Afghani front lines. The poster of Rosie in her in her Grease high-cut short shorts have been flying out to servicemen faster than Sara Lee can butter her muffins."

Shaken by the news, O'Donnell's family was in seclusion in Long Island and issued nothing except for the following terse statement:

We tried to tell her not to go to those Bea Arthur one-woman-shows, but when we found one of the floor-length sweater vests in her closet, we braced for the worst. We will still love her, just in a different way.

"She gotta be putting us on," said O'Donnell buddette, Sandra Bernhardt. "When we would go out cruising for guys, Rosie was always the first one in some construction workers' lap. If Rosie's gay, than so am I," giggled the lipsome Bernhardt.

Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, has a regular column at newsandopinion.com, and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful", coming from Tallfellow Press. He can be reached at theeothersteveyoung@juno.com.