American Politics Journal

Has the Wag Run Out of Dog?
GOP suffers setback after setback – and the media reports it!
By Bryan Zepp Jamieson

Mar. 4, 2002 -- MT. SHASTA (Zep/APJP) -- As a poll came out showing that only 75% of the public thought that the administration was either lying or hiding something in regards to the Enron scandal, events came together to form a spectacularly bad week for the GOPhers. Thirteen percent believed Putsch was neither lying or covering up. Mind you, that's the thirteen percent who will swear that Putsch is the incarnation of Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi and St. Germain, all rolled up into one and made sexy and intelligent in the bargain. In other words, the thirteen percent who will support Putsch even if he's caught sodomizing three year olds. The thirteen percent who still supported Nixon the day he resigned.

This came at a time when Democrats were gleefully counting heads in the Senate and predicting they had the votes to get Shays-Meehan past the filibuster hurdle. It came at a time when Americans were beginning to notice the increasing world outrage over the "detainees" at Camp X-ray and asking just what we were doing with these people anyway. The Administration was forced to admit that after six weeks, they still hadn't come up with significant evidence against a single one of the captives. But they planned to hold them indefinitely anyway.

Word of that Kafkaesque approach reached the prisoners, and it only took a spark to create an insurrection. Some idiot soldier obliged, ripping the turban from the head of a prisoner while he was praying, and causing over a third of the camp to go on a hunger strike. The once-docile media reported this on the front page and on the evening news. And questions about just what the hell we think we're doing got that much louder and more persistent.

As the Middle East continued to disintegrate into a bloodbath, Ari Fleischer, perhaps tired of people asking why the administration wasn't trying to end the violence, tried blaming it on Clinton. To everyone's surprise, the media reported his little smear, with AP leading off with "The White House on Thursday blamed aggressive diplomacy by former President Clinton for the current violence in the Middle East, saying Clinton pushed Israelis and Palestinians too hard in an attempt to shoot the moon and get nothing." After that, the story blew up in Ari's face as both Democrats and commentators protested the unfairness and dishonesty of his claim. For the first time in his reptilian career, Dirty Ari had to back off, claiming he didn't mean Clinton, but was talking about someone else when he referred to presidents "shooting the moon" in 2000. Musta been some other president, Ari. Yeah, that's the ticket.

The war on terrorism had its set backs. After announcing that they were going to create a Bureau of Disinformation in the Pentagon ("spin troopers") for propaganda, Rummy announced, after loud shouts of derision from the press and abroad, that the office was closing because publicity ruined its purpose. Such operations had to be run in secret. Sure, Rummy, we BELIEVE you when you say it's closed for good. Uh huh. Sure. Whatever, Rummy.

There were problems in the Philippines, and Rummy made a really clumsy and stupid appearance on the subject of the massacre of Afghani "friendlies," basically trying to dismiss it by saying "mistakes were made." Mistakes like tying them up, shooting them, and leaving mocking notes on the bodies for the next of kin to find. Those types of mistakes.

Then it was announced that we were sending 50 troops to European Georgia to teach them to fight terrorism. As if there's anything America could teach that part of the world about terrorism.

We apparently forgot to mention to the Russians that we were sending troops into an area they regard as a "buffer zone." They were understandably unamused, and Dmitry Rogozin, Head of the parliamentary commission for international affairs (equivalent to Assistant Secretary of State here) promptly announced that they would support the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia. I don't know what the hell Georgian President Shevardnaze was thinking of.

Putsch apparently didn't think it worth mentioning to Congress, including Trent Lott. When Daschle questioned just what our goals and objectives were on the war on terrorism and remarked that Congress would be asking tougher questions on this, Lott, apparently caught flat footed by his bungling commander in thief, said, "How dare Senator Daschle criticize President Bush while we are fighting our war on terrorism, especially when we have troops in the field. He should not be trying to divide our country while we are united."

Mind you, Trent Lott is a cowardly, unpatriotic bastard who applauded as the House released a report full of pornographic speculation against Clinton without any actual evidence during the war in Kosovo, and while Clinton was pressing for support to eliminate bin Laden, tried to convict him and throw him out of office for fibbing to the public about a blow job. Thanks, Trent. If you'd been half as patriotic then as you claim to be now, the World Trade Center would still be standing.

Daschle came back and went right down Lott's throat, saying, "I think the Republicans' reaction was nothing short of hysterical. I'm amused, frankly. I'd ask them to look at what I said, because I stand by what I said. Congress has a constitutional responsibility to ask questions. We are not a rubber stamp to the president or to anybody else. We must do what the Constitution and what our best judgment requires."

Trent Lott, by now dazed and confused, made the lame reply that he was taking offense to Daschle noting that thus far, Putsch had failed in his main stated objective of the war on terrorism: the capture or death of Osama bin Laden, and the leaders of Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Putsch jumped in, saying that the war was bigger than just the capture of one man.

We didn't really want him anyway. We were just bombing Afghanistan for the hell of it.

In the meantime, the Middle East and the subcontinent continued to destabilize, brought about in part by American games in the area. Now that Pakistan is our buddy, they've decided they don't need to be afraid of the militarily more powerful Indians any more, and a truly horrific series of attacks between the two nations has been taking place, including the burning to death of over 300 civilians this week in a ghastly game of fire tag.

On the environment, things went badly for the Pubs. First Putsch released his plan on global warming, to nearly universal derision. I can't think of a Presidential proposal that drew so much sardonic laughter since Jerry Ford's Whip Inflation Now fiasco. Remember the stupid WIN buttons?

Less than a week after reneging on his campaign promise not to turn Yucca Mountain into a nuclear waste dump, a report came out stating that some fifteen thousand Americans were killed by the fallout from the open air tests in the 50s. That should firm up public support for Putsch's plan to resume underground testing. You think?

On the heels of a court ruling that Cheney must turn over 7,500 pages of documents relating to his meetings with petroleum and energy company representatives came the very loud resignation of the EPA's chief enforcement officer, Eric Schaeffer, who wrote in a public letter, "It is no longer possible to pretend that the ongoing debate with the White House and Department of Energy is not effecting our ability to negotiate settlements. Cinergy and Vepco have refused to sign the consent decrees they agreed to 15 months ago, hedging their bets while waiting for the Administration's Clean Air Act reform proposals. Other companies with whom we were close to settlement have walked away from the table. The momentum we obtained with agreements announced earlier has stopped, and we have filed no new lawsuits against utility companies since this Administration took office. We obviously cannot settle cases with defendants who think we are still rewriting the law."

Schaeffer was a appointee from a previous administration. Fellow named George Bush appointed him, back in 1991. It's been suggested that perhaps Putsch should have a chat with daddy about his energy programs.

Henry A. Waxman got in on the act. Waxman, who has proven to be the biggest thorn in the side of the junta, blasted Putsch appointees for the bias they showed in who they discussed policy with while formulating same. He stated that a Department of Energy official named Blake had testified that of the 65 people he met with to formulate policy, 64 were industry representatives. You have to wonder who the 65th was; the head of the Sahara Club, perhaps?

The New York Times ran an above-the-fold story that started out:

WASHINGTON, Feb. 28 - Eighteen of the energy industry's top 25 financial contributors to the Republican Party advised Vice President Dick Cheney's national energy task force last year, according to interviews and election records.

For most politically aware people, this wasn't news. But the fact that the mainstream media is now reporting it prominently is news.

Perhaps the most chilling setback for the junta today came from an incident where it can be safely said that Putsch had nothing to do with it. A new batch of Nixonian horrifics were released this week, from tapes made while he was president, and while most of it was the usual cold, sanctimonious, tawdry dishonesty that we expect from Republican White Houses, one tape showed that the moral and ethical rot of the American right isn't a recent development, and indeed, infected the most morally heroic figure of the right: the Reverend Billy Graham. Agreeing with Nixon that "Jewish control of the media" was destroying America, Graham said, ``A lot of Jews are great friends of mine. They swarm around me and are friendly to me. Because they know that I am friendly to Israel and so forth. But they don't know how I really feel about what they're doing to this country, and I have no power and no way to handle them.''

Graham apologized, while simultaneously claiming to not remember ever holding such opinions or voicing same. A ludicrously disingenuous statement that, in a rational world, would finish Graham's moral authority once and for all. But of course, standard fare for the followers of the American right. They'll swallow it without blinking.

Graham went on to say that he hoped that after he was re-elected, Nixon would be able to do something about the Jews.

And there you have it: the best and most moral voice of the American right. Sounding more like Hitler than like Jesus.

Election is coming, folks. If we don't run this scum out now, we might not get another chance.