American Politics Journal

KENNETH LAY...EVILDOER?
by Steve Young
with special thanks to Rex Morgan

Jan. 25, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (AEFCTT/APJP) -- President Bush has finally come out and officially named former Enron CEO, Kenneth Lay, and his followers as evildoers.

"Friend or no friend, that bastard sucked $8,000 out of my mother-in-law," said the President. "Sure, we want to use our God-given gifts to make as much money as humanly possible, but you don't screw with Laura's mom. I'm through sleeping on the Oval Office couch."

With this pronouncement, the administration may now use the full compliment of both the Commerce AND the Defense Departments.

"We will hunt down Enron's management team, get them out of their cavernous mansions and get them running, or chauffeured, or whatever it is they do to get around," asserted the President.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield announced that preparations are already being made at Guantanamo Bay for the first arrivals of the still dangerous corporate team. "While these corporate terrorists will be separated form the 'old news' Taliban prisoners," said the newly crowned sexiest man in the universe, "they will be treated with similar rigor."

Contractors from the Hilton/Four Seasons Hotels' Stockade Divisions have already begun to ship bidets, fountains and other lobby accouterments. "It won't be easy for them," said a Hilton representative, "but it still should be a lot of fun." Prisoners will not be allowed to speak to each other but they will be able to send infrared messages via Palm Pilots.

The "evil-doing" executives, known for forcing their women to shop endlessly wearing head-to-toe fur-kas and be waited on hand and foot by servants and shirtless gardeners, claim their beliefs to be supported by Republican Party platforms. President Bush has called this "an evil-doing distortion of the platform."

Newly named Head of Homeland Diet and Menu Security, chef Wolfgang Puck, will oversee menus that will be carefully monitored to fit Enron's strict, but elegant, dietary needs. "It won't be Spago, but it will be close," said the oddly-accented Puck. "Too much of a deviation from their standard fare could be devastating to their sensitive digestive systems."

Lawyers of the corporate captives have asked that the American government to allow their clients to keep their shredders. "Take away the shredders from these misunderstood executives and you take away their ability to destroy evidence against them."

Announcements are expected soon on the arrangements being made for the auditors at Anderson Accounting who are soon expected to be named "evil-accounting-doers."

Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's Written By magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press 2002). He can be reached at theeothersteveyoung@juno.com