American Politics Journal

Guest Commentary
Who needs accountability when you've got...
Flexibility!
by Christian Livemore

Jan. 17, 2002 (APJP) -- You gotta hand it to Republicans: They're flexible.

Only a very flexible mind could campaign on the fact that the peace and prosperity of Bill Clinton's presidency was not actually his doing, and then turn around and blame the current recession on him when he has been out of office for over a year.

And only a body with very quick reflexes could campaign on a package of tax cuts for the rich which they proposed in 1999 when the economy was percolating like Mrs. Folgers coffee pot, and now claim that the package was designed to stimulate a weak economy.

And only folks with contortion abilities worthy of Harry Houdini (or a very unhealthy interest in other peoples' sex lives) could spend six years and $65 million investigating if and when Bill Clinton received consensual oral sex from a willing adult, and then caution reporters against turning the Bush Administration's ties to Enron into a "partisan witch hunt."

And only folks with the strength of Hercules could juggle the two conflicting actions of, on the one hand, insisting that Ken Starr HAD to include the salacious details of Bill Clinton and his cigar in the Starr Report in the interest of full disclosure, and on the other hand turning their heads while Bush places the records of his term-and-a-half as governor of Texas in his father's presidential library, where they will be safely out of reach of those pesky public access laws.

And only folks with the acrobatic dexterity of the Great Wallendas could oppose President Clinton's retaliatory bombing of Al-Qaeda camps after the attacks on two U.S. embassies, screaming "Wag the dog!" and then blame the attacks of September 11 on Clinton's weak stance against terrorists.

I swear, it's like one big game of Twister in Washington these days. It's a wonder they don't all get ticketed for tying up traffic on Dupont Circle. Shoot, if those were Democrats, we'd be in traffic court for years. We'd be doing community service visiting Strom Thurmond's grandson in the nursing home.

Don't believe me? Two words: Gary Condit.

And the media is all too happy to join the fun.

They're blaming Clinton for everything from the September 11th attacks to the tanking economy to the death of his beloved dog while he was out of the country. Even though there is a mandatory quarantine of up to six months on animals traveling internationally, hateful conservatives and media editorialists seized the opportunity to attack the last elected president.

Any excuse to breathe the name Bill Clinton.

It's sad. Pathetic, really. Like a woman trying to have sex with her husband's dead body, they just can't let the Big Dog go.

And who can blame them, really?

I mean, think about it. Who would you rather cover every night on the evening news? The dashing, six-foot-four-inch (height, folks, height), shade-wearing rock star who Sharon Stone said she'd be all over "like white on rice"? Or the guy who falls out of his chair and knocks himself unconscious choking on a pretzel?

The guy who spent his last vacation buying bikinis with Anthony Hopkins in Rio de Janeiro? Or the guy who put a nail through his thumb nailing a plank to a wall in the first five minutes of a photo op for Habitat for Humanity?

The guy of whom the ethnic Albanians say, "There's God, and then there's Bill Clinton"? Or the guy who uses such graceful language as, "Not ovur mah dead body"?

The guy who gave us the lowest unemployment since the 1960s? Or the guy who doesn't want to allow an extension of Unemployment Benefits to folks who lost their jobs as a result of the World Trade Center attacks?

The guy who eliminated the deficit and gave us a massive budget surplus? Or the guy who blew that budget surplus on tax cuts for his rich friends at Enron and has no explanation for why his tax cuts did not stimulate anything but the pocketbooks of his wealthy friends and campaign contributors?

The guy who made it to Ground Zero ahead of the sitting president even though he was grounded in Australia for two days? Or the guy who flew around the country all day on Air Force One, then hid in the White House and didn't even show up in New York until four days later?

It's like E! Entertainment News having to cover Tom Green having sex with a moose while Harrison Ford is flying around in his helicopter saving chicks trapped on the sides of mountains. It's just no fun.

It's not profitable, either.

Robert Parry: does that name ring a bell? Robert Parry broke the Iran-Contra story. Robert Parry is one of the finest investigative journalists in this country. He used to write for Newsweek. He now runs a Web site called Consortium News because none of the major media outlets will hire him. Robert Parry tells the truth. The New York Times, Newsweek, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal -- they don't like that. They like stories that talk about what a great leader George Bush is, how in command he is, how sm... how smar... I can't even say it! ...how he's not dumb.

Robert Parry won't say those things. Robert Parry is not for sale.

Fortunately, there are plenty of reporters who are (Tim Russert, call your office). As Mark Twain said, "Tell me where a man gets his corn pone and I'll tell you where he gets his opinions."

Those of you who are wondering when Bush intends to release the papers from Ronald Reagan's presidency that he was supposed to release six months ago, shut up and go put a flag on your car before John Ashcroft throws your ass in jail for supporting terrorism.

And for those of you who are wondering when the media is going to ask Bush about said Reagan papers, it'll probably be about the same time they ask his father about the October Surprise.

There may also be those of you out who are hoping that even if the media gives Bush a pass on Enrongate, the Democrats in Congress certainly will not.

Something else Mark Twain said may provide an answer to that: "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."