American Politics Journal

Pretzel Salt Found in Daschle's Office
By Steve Young

Jan. 15, 2001 -- LOS ANGELES (APJP) -- A spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle acknowledged the receipt of an envelope filled with salt, believed to be from a pretzel.

Washington, already uneasy from the security snafu that lead to President Bush’s skirmish with a single pretzel, went on high alert. Officials, fearing that the unarmed pretzel -- which somehow slipped through White House security to choke the President this past Sunday -- did not work alone. The Secret Service combed the grounds and nearby hot dog and pretzel street vendors but found no evidence of complicity, although Tony G., the Pennsylvania Avenue peanut guy, was held for questioning, but not charged.

The Salted Snack Protection Association has already lodged a formal complaint. SSPA spokesperson, Pearl Sklar, said, "This type of uncalled-for seasoning profiling is un-American and can only lead to a salted food bias similar to the dark days of the lactose-intolerance scare during the nineties."

The envelope, addressed to the Senator’s office, had a return address from "Rold Gold Elementary School" in "Dutch, Pennsylvania".

Security officials, although not having definitive proof the salt actually comes from a pretzel, are taking no chances. Senator Daschle’s office will be closed the foreseeable future and the White House snack shop will remain off-limits to tourists.

In addition, Washington, D.C. post offices will shut down operations and, in a nod to caution, movie theaters throughout the country have discontinued sales of pretzels, popcorn, and other salt-laden foods. An AMC Theater insider said, "We might as well shut down completely. With no popcorn, how are we supposed to get the public to come in and watch the crap we show?"

Meanwhile, there have been reports of numerous pretzel salt hoaxes across the country.

Homeland Defense Chief Tom Ridge said that phony salt, fake pretzels and other faux crispy snack terrorist threats will be handled as if they were an actual snack attack. "There is no difference between a real pretzel stick and one of those large fake rubber Philadelphia soft pretzels that squeak. Well, actually there is a pretty big difference, but there’s no doubt you could choke on the fake ones, too."

Amplifying on President Bush's admonition that he should have listened to his mom and chewed before he swallowed, Ridge issued warnings to America "not to run with scissors, swim less than a half hour after eating, or 'do anything' that might create blindness in young boys."

NEXT WEEK’S COLUMN: Frito-Lay - Kenneth Lay...Coincidence?

Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's Written By magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press). He can be reached theeothersteveyoung@juno.com