American Politics Journal -- Putin On The Bush: The Thrilling Sequel

American Politics Journal

Putin On The Bush: The Thrilling Sequel
by Alan Bisbort

November 21, 2001 -- HARTFORD (APJP) -- As dramatized in our last episode of "Putin On The Bush," Russian President Vladimir V. Putin has been pushing all of little Georgie's love-Butins since their first encounter at a summit meeting in Slovenia this summer. For Georgie, it was love at first sight or, as he told the Amurkin peep-ul, he gazed into the former KGB chief's beady, nearly invisible eyes and saw into the man's "soul." Uncle Dickie, of course, shuddered at the news. In fact, that was right about the time when Uncle Dickie went in for his bum ticker's bimonthly tune up, and he has been scarce as hen's teeth ever since.

For Putin, it's anyone's guess, but even Prez Bush's most shameless suck-ups are wary of this romance. His friends and colleagues had hoped that the blush would be off the rose, so to speak, in time for the school year, when Bush was scheduled to embark on a nationwide reading tour of "The Little Caterpillar" to voucher-holding students enjoying their first taste of faith-based curriculum. But, alas, things have changed and, lo, what is this we see?! Why, it's Putin with a rose -- a yeller rose of Tex-ass, no less -- and he is unblushingly presenting it to Mrs. Bush!

Yes, Putin is puttin' on the biggest charm offensive since Yeltsin leaped out of his auto to shake the hands of Americans. A lot of vodka has flowed under the bridge since then and Putin has been forced, by recent events, back into Bush's arms. Georgie's schoolboy crush notwithstanding, most intelligent people realize Putin needs cover for his own battles with Muslim nut-cases, and he's willing to string little Bush along to see what he can weasel out of him. He knows Georgie won't sweat details or insist on anything beyond a backslap or a bearhug. As Georgie testily told reporters in Washington on the eve of his three-day barbecue with the Putins in Crawford, Texas: "I looked the man in the eye and shook his hand," as if this should suffice for anyone. Looking in eyes, shaking hands-this constitutes U.S. foreign policy in the Bush II years.

Putin is banking on Georgie not asking any questions about that leaking stockpile of spent nuclear weaponry by-products, or the dumping of nuclear waste in the ocean, or those vast holdings of deadly viruses, or the bloodletting still going on in Chechnya, or the devastating pollution that has poisoned most Russian lives and is spreading beyond Russia's borders, or...

...Not to worry, Putin. Welcome to the NEW U.S.A. We only look in eyes and shake hands hereabouts.

During there three-day Crawford fling, Bush showed off his collection of cows, sagebrush and inebriated daughters to Putin from the driver's seat of his climate-controlled SUV. Don't ask how, but APJ was able to sneak a microphone into the Bushmobile, and the following is an excerpt from their conversation:

Georgie: I've tried to make Amurk-uh more to your likin', Vlad, so you'd feel more at home on this visit.
Putin: Call me V.V., Bushsky.
Georgie: Gosh, that's nice. These negotiations are really going places now.
Putin: But how you mean about America is more to my liking, Bushky? Da, Texas country does recall my fond days overseeing the gulags of Siberia, but...
Georgie: No, V.V. Mah daddy tole me all about the good ole days of the Cold War and how you guys had it set up over there in the, whatchamacallit.
Putin: The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, better known to you as the Evil Empire.
Georgie: [slaps Putin's knee] Ha! That was a good un', wasn't it? Who thought that up? Was that one of Uncle Ronnie's?
Putin: Did you take over the media per my instruction, Comrade, er, President Bushky?
Georgie: Didn't have to, V.V.! They're like ducks in a row now. Amazin'. I guess havin' FOX 'n' Disney on my team helps, and GE owns NBC, so they're in my pocket, Hell, all we gotta do is deport Ted Turner an' we got CNN. A'course they all save a lot of money, too, cos Ari writes all their stories for 'em! It's like takin' candy from a baby, V.V. If we'd'uh known how easy it was to control the press, mah Daddy woulda done it years ago.
Putin: Swift movesky, Bushky! And the plans for the secret police?
Georgie: Done. The best part 'bout that was I got Congress to do the heavy liftin'. They came up with this here thing called the "USA Pay-tree-it Act of 2001", what was 140 pages long. I've never read that many pages at one time, so I got Laura to highlight the best parts with one of them yeller magic markers you can see through. And dang if that dad-blasted thang don't do what we've always wanted, er, needed here in the land of the free. It lets us set up dragnets, spy on the people, then arrest 'em without havin' to tell no damn lawyer or that Mirander feller, whoever he is. And we got more than jes' one secret police now, VV. We got the FBI, CIA and the INS all workin' the same beat.
Putin: You kid me, Bushky!
Georgie: Hell, V.V., I wouldn't pull yer leg, buddy.
Putin: Da, sounds ten times better than my old KGB. What you call that again?
Georgie: Pay-tree-it Act... y'otter try it, V.V. Jes' drape a flag around it, and the best part of all is we can use it 'gainst all kindsa them pains in the asses, like Greenpeace and them global protesters and all. Hell, we can franchise out this thang and make tons of money.
Putin [muttering]: Capitalist pig even beats us at our own totalitarian game...
Georgie: What's that? V.V. You want some totally barbecue pig?
Putin: No, I said, 'you sure think big,' Bushky. What about destroying history?
Georgie: Done. Listen to this. I wrote me up one of them Orders, ya know, like a memo thingamajig only I get to use this fancy-ass fountain pen. This one was called Executive Order 13223. Sounds pretty good, don't it? But here's how it works. With one signature, I got rid of all them prying historians. Presidents and Vice Presidents don't have to share nothing with nobody no ways, not no more.
Putin: Most impressive, Bushsky!
Georgie: Wait. I ain't through. We're gonna try, pretty darn soon, to get rid of the Freedom of Information Act, too. Why the hell should anyone be allowed to poke around the government's business?
Putin: Exactly what I believe. Exactly! And what of my suggestion for torture and firing squad?
Georgie: Wayall, V.V., that one's a bit trickier. But I got Ashcroft workin' on it now. He's greased himself up with Crisco and is praying almost 12 hours per day to find a way to pull it off. Geez, I hope he don't expect to get paid for them extra four hours a day... Ah hell, I'll give him Comp Time. Problem here, V.V., is we jes' don't have that long tradition of torture, firing squads, work camps, like you Russkies do. We got all these here laws and Constipational Amendments, and what all...
Putin: You are getting there, Bushky, I can feel it in my missile silos.
Georgie: Wayall, like I said last year, 'If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm dictator.' A course, they thought I was jokin' at the time! I guess I jes' have one of them faces, V.V. Ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaa, ha.
Putin: Hmmm. You know, Bushky, I'm thinking there's more to you than meets the fist, as we say in Russia. Let's swapsky a couple jokes so the reporters will see us laughing and report our hijinkskys verbatim. How many Chechnyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Georgie: Is this one of them trick questions? Lessee... how many Texans do it take... lessee, O.K. How about four.
Putin: Nyet. Answer is: Doesn't matter how many. We destroyed all the houses, so no light fixtures. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, ha ha ha. OK, Bushsky. You tell one.
Georgie: Wayall, here's a good 'un. How many Soup-ream Court Justices does it take to overturn a democratic election?
Putin: Hmmmm... .all nine of them?
Georgie: Nah... jes five. Haaaaaaaa, ha, ha, ha.
Putin: You one funnysky lil Bushsky Wusky.
Georgie: Oh V.V. You say the sweetest things. Let me gaze in your eyes again. I got this uncontrollable cravin' to look at your soul since we last parted in Slovenia.
Putin: OK... but just this once... hey, don't take your handskys off the steering wheel...
Georgie: Don't worry, V.V. You shoulda seen me drivin' when I was in the frat! Talk about wing and a prayer... ha.
Putin: Look outsky for that cow!
Georgie: That's ain't no cow... that's Karl Rove. What the hell's he doin' here? Must want to talk about dadburn policy. Hold tight, V.V., I'm floorin' it and we're gonna git the Hell outta Dodge.
[Sound of screeching tires, Putin screaming, Rove whining... the tape cuts off].