American Politics Journal

Bridges Over Troubled Water
by Steve Young

Nov. 6, 2001 -- LOS ANGELES (APJP) -- I think it's great that our government is out there attempting to protect us from possible terrorist attacks and sabotage. My problem is that the warnings we get seem to be more about creating paranoia than safety. The call to "Watch out!" with no specifics as to what we should watch out for, hurts my neck. Besides the stress, I keep twisting and turning to see what may be happening...somewhere. I'm so busy being careful, I barely have time to be cautious.

I iron my mail to kill the Anthrax and get out those unsightly envelope wrinkles.

I refuse to visit democratic legislators during the letter opening process.

I don't go to the mall, especially on Halloween. I hope that one lasts at least through Valentine's Day.

I don't fly unless all box cutters are taken away and every passenger is supplied with a gun.

I turn in any suspicious people in the my neighborhood who look different than I do. Turned in my neighbor's kid three times so far.

Now, with the latest warning to be wary of possible terrorist attacks on California bridges, how do I make sure I protect my family from the unknown? Just to make sure we've covered our bases, I urge our government not to bypass any...bypass. Let's get the National Guard troops on the alert and stationed at ALL possible targets!

They are, in no particular order:

The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

The Bridge To The 21st Century.

That one over Madison Country. I'm not sure of the name, but it's the one where old geezer actors get to mess around with fine actresses who are still a couple years away from geezerdom.

The late Alec Guinness before goes and finishes the one over that River Kwai.

Lady's club's games (bridge, and just in case, mah jongg). And while they're it they might as well guard that peanut mix thing those gal's munch on. Who knows what they're puttin' in that Planter's can.

The one my dad purchased a number of times in Brooklyn (despite my mother's cries to cease and desist) as well as The Gary David Goldberg show that CBS didn't have the guts to continue and Johnny Maestro's back up group (but not the Union Gap).

Every dentist office.

Children's books where the London one seems to collapse upon every reading.

The bony part of every American's nose.

The captain's position over the main deck of every ship including Captains Kirk's.

All sticks in pool halls used to rest your cue on.

Most music compositions.

All of Lloyd's kids, especially Beau.

And especially that kid from Different Strokes, not the short one, the tall skinny one, Todd, who gets in all that trouble. I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one behind all of this.

Think I'm a little paranoid? Nope, I'm just bein' careful... for America.

Special thanks to Patti Casas.

Prism Award winner and Humanitas nominee for his television writing, Steve Young, is contributing editor at the WGA's "Written By" magazine and author of the forthcoming book, Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful, Tallfellow, 2002. Steve's column appears weekly at jewishworldreview.com. E-mail theeothersteveyoung@juno.com