American Politics Journal -- Pundit Pap



"The Pundits, Flush With Pride" courtesy the Wizard of Whimsy.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 -- NEW YORK/WASHINGTON (APJP) -- It's just like the days of the trumped-up impeachment all over again. The boob-tube's loudest, shrillest and most hypocritical "opinion makers" can't resist weighing in on Gary Condit, always being sure to frame their comments in the larger context of "the search for missing intern Chandra Levy."

Well, gee, Barb, Bill's mom must have had strong resolve, commanded respect from her son, and overcome adversity. She raised a a Rhodes scholar who'd become President; Bush mommy raised a party-hearty AWOL lush.

Besides, honey, any one of us would rather have a barfly mom than a weasely fascistic spouse who repeatedly committed felony perjury in front of the Senate in a vain and panicked attempt to conceal his involvement in political dirty tricks which sought to "take down" President Clinton.

This Weak
Cokie is obsessed with Gary Condit -- could it be he's better-looking than her hubbie?

Issue one: Gary Condit. Cokie Roberts outright LIED when she said that "Washington is obsessed with Chandra Levy."

Well, Cokie, my sources -- including one of your colleagues at ABC -- have told me that the Beltway Press Corps is obsessed not with locating Levy but with spinning every facet of Rep. Gary Condit's involvement with the young intern -- because they love the added circulation, ratings bump and revenue his "bad boy" behavior has provided them. Besides, it gives them a chance to make believe they have influence over America. Once again, as with the Lewinsky flap, the press is raking it in as two families -- this time, those of Levy and Condit -- suffer.

Sam Donaldson interviewed the chief of the D.C Keystone Kops, Charles Ramsey, who has played so completely into the hand of the celebrity press at every turn that he should get press credentials himself! Of course, Sam made damn sure that the world knew that Condit had been "questioned" a fourth time -- but tried to sweep the fact that it was an attempt to get a psychological profile of Levy under the rug. And throughout the segment, Ramsey seemed to AVOID talking about Condit -- even when Sam Donaldson tried with a question designed to "make" Condit a suspect, Ramsey did not even use Condit's name in the answer; "...one person..." was the closest he came in the answer. How long, asked Sam in a flash of honesty, will cable news be obsessed with this story? Ramsey said that his department still has a great deal to do.

Cokie then welcomed Sen. John McCain to talk about a Patients' Bill of Rights: "Where are we now?" McCain said that Rep. Charlie Norwood is the GOP point-man in the House on this bill -- and that House Speaker Dennis Hastert had failed to control the issue! It's no secret in the Beltway that McCain thinks Hastert is a joke -- and nothing more than a stooge for the hard-right wing of the GOP. McCain did have something nice to say about one of the White House health poo-bahs. Will the Tom DeLays sign on to a compromise bill if the White House goes along? McCain said that they'd have to.

That's only half the truth. Sure, DeLay and Dick Armey may "go along" -- but they'd be doing everything within their power in the meantime and afterwards to sabotage and undermine centrist GOPers as "payback" for not heeling to the PhRMA/ADM/GE/Rupert Murdoch "Bush Agenda."

Cokie asked about the House recently handing His Fraudulence George II defeat after defeat -- arsenic levels in the drinking water, a watered-down faith-based scam to give tax bucks to evangelists, the stall on so-called education "peform" -- and McCain threw the Bogus POTUS a bone, saying that Smirk had a few victories -- including the tax cut (which McCain knows will NOT be a plus for Smirk in the long run) and on "engaging" Putin on the missile defense issue (and it's beginning to look like this is a gambit to kill Strange-feldian "missile defense").

McCain also had a couple kind words about Hastert, but did say that he had differences with DeLay on campaign finance reform.

Take note of that: target one for McCain is not Little George or Denny-Bob, it's Tom the Bug Man. And McCain now has enough juice to make the sleazy little Texas bully pay the piper.

There was some talk about McCain's warning that independent candidates could hurt the GOP. McCain said he would NOT run as an independent. We interpret that to mean "...for now; I can always hold this over the party's head like a sword of Damocles."

Besides, McCain can now pull Jeffords out of his rhetorical duffel bag like a dripping severed head, shove it in the face of the GOP's Neofascist wing, and say, "Thank you, sirs, would you like another? and another? and another? because that's what YOU are doing to OUR party."

There was all-too-brief talk about financing Social Security and defense funding, and Cokie used the tired and false gambit of telling McCain that he keeps talking about the "law firm" of Waste, Fraud and Abuse, but one man's waste is another man's needed program. McCain ably and thoroughly slammed Cokie's point, saying in essence the discipline and will is there to contain costs.

Cokie, nosey Nellie that she is, had to sneak Gary Condit into the conversation by way of mentioning that there have been calls for a House ethics investigation; we weren't sure whether Cokie named extremist Bob Barr. McCain said that the focus should be on finding Chandra Levy.

One fact was clear from "hearing" between the lines: McCain is conservative on many issues but is pushing his party toward the center on others -- and he knows he has enough "big mo" to damage the hard-righters who control the House agenda. Expect GOP infighting to be in full swing (pardon the pun) by September.

Following the break, talk turned to Smirk's latest scam to buy Hispanic votes -- a form of amnesty for illegal Mexican immigrants. The guests were Sens. Phil Gramm (R-TX) and Bob Graham (D-FL). So as to avoid confusion, we'll get on a first-name basis with these two favorite Sunday morning guests. Phil has been against such amnesties in the past (in fact, he seems to be ill-disposed to these interlopin' furriners) and said that Smirk's plan is bad policy, given that 7 million people already waiting to be made American citizens. Bob is in favor of a program that would allow foreigners to become American citizens IF they can prove their worth; there are a large number of people living here in the shadows of American life who fear being caught and deported. There was some pap surrounding "guest worker" programs and farm work issues from both guests -- and Phil seemed to slam employers who pay substandard wages.

Well, gee, Phil, if you care so much, maybe you should talk to your pal Tom "Mr. Marianas Sweatshops" DeLay about sub-minimum wages for American CITIZENS.

There was also some debate about whether a program could be set up with Mexico and then extended to other countries. Now, the Mexico-only idea may play well in the South, particularly Texas and southern California, but not in Northern industrialized cities, where Mexico is not exactly providing a lot of foreign high-tech know-how. Bob said that a massive crackdown on foreign farm workers would have a devastating effect on the farm economy.

Which, by the way, is why ADM and other agribusiness interests pressure the federal government to go easy on enforcing immigration laws. Face it: dollar-an-hour workers are good for that profit margin!!

Sam made the point that many GOPers oppose immigration because "all these immigrants become Democrats." Why should Phil be so surprised? Let's face the fact: the GOP has become the favored party of slave-wage-loving proto-Confederates and White Kollar Klansmen.

Following the break, George Stephanopoulos welcomed Wall Street Journal ex-editorial czar Robert "Lie About Clinton At All Costs" Bartley and Washington Post idea guy Paul Krugman, to slug it out over that thrill-a-minute topic, Social Security. Bartley gave the impression that he just wants to see the whole Socialist program killed. Krugman made a solid point about politicians raiding Social Security trust fund money to finance other programs. On partial privatization, Krugman came out for a limited program with some sort of "Chinese wall." Bad idea, Krugman. Even Bartley conceded that should Smirk be able to solve the Social Security "problrm," it would be a major accomplishment. Of course, he won't. The entire piece was framed to promote privatization.

Then -- the round table, including oxymoronic Black "conservative" Armstrong Williams -- who himself conceded that Smirk's privatization scam is in trouble! Some wet-behind-the-ears political reporter from ABC kept stating the obvious. Cokie LIED when she said that Social Security was at one time "about to run out of money" -- but was RIGHT when she said boomers will be an effective "lobbying group." Williams sounded stupid when he claimed that most people "trusted" their 401(k)s more than Social Security -- to which Sam talked about the 401(k) meltdown. Williams encouraged people to invest in GM and IBM -- is he on their payroll?

After yet another break, Sam conceded -- for the third time in the show -- that Smirk's agenda has hit a wall in Congress, including the House. Cokie said His Illegitimacy could claim victory; anti-choice Williams said Smirk will never approve stem-cell funding, then LIED when he said that Idiot George is now getting good press overseas.

It's worth noting that Williams toned down his usual incendiary attitude -- on radio and Politically Incorrect, he comes across as someone with Rush Limbaugh's semi-competence at lying crossed with Sean Hannity's snotty, in-your-face delivery. Williams is an ideologue, but in the subdued Sunday pundit environment he comes across as the anti-Williams: articulate and restrained.

Finally, 30 seconds of Clinton-bashing! Williams made a sarcastic comment about Clinton being at home in Harlem -- "they like him because the don't know him."

Oh, Armstrong, they DO know him. Yes, they DO know about Monica -- and forgive him as most REAL Americans do. They DO know that Republicans hate him. They DO know that he stuck up for Blacks and other minorities as your bigoted "buddies" in the GOP -- many of whom wouldn't dream of socializing or associating with you due to of the color of your skin -- unleashed a torrent of smears BECAUSE Clinton stuck up for the little guy.

There was a final word on technology from George Will -- all we learned is that the King of Migraines is clueless about computers AND Thoreau.

Issue one: Amnesty for Mexicans Only! The usually insane John McLaugh-In succinctly hit on a large number of problems with the scheme: non-Mexican Hispanics and Asians are furious, and the Hispanic caucus wants across-the-board amnesty!

Kudlow downplayed Smirk actually wanting to restrict the program to Mexicans, using his amazing oracular powers to predict that he would expand the plan to other minorities (didn't he predict NASDAQ ending the year 2000 above 10,000?), then praised Mexicans for the way they contribute to our robust economy (he didn't say why: he loves the fact they work for subminimum wages). Eleanor Clift came close to saying that Dems would trump Smirk by putting forward their own plan to expand and bolster amnesty -- and made light of Team Dumb-Yuh banning the very word "amnesty" from their communications with the press and public. Tony Blankley and John shouted at each other about Asians getting upset. Mort Zuckerman said that immigration of full families will in fact be a problem as he counseled "caution" on a sweeping plan in an information economy. Eleanor and Larry agreed on something: these Mexican immigrants are people who take minimum wage jobs. John got to the heart of the political matter: Smirk's hard-right constituency would never go for "all," other ethnic minorities will oppose "Mexicans only," border enforcement will be a nightmare -- and Mexicans run illegal drugs. Eleanor had the best point of the segment: Simian George looks not to have thought this proposal through.

She should have mentioned that the rest of his agenda is dead, and now he's grasping at ways to look "moderate" -- and that this particular proposal also looks aimed at conning Hispanics to join the GOP.

Issue two: Koizumi's karate on Kyoto! John actually played footage of Tom Daschle slamming Smirk-o-lationism as John ominously talked about the agreement in Bonn while trying to claim that the treaty had somehow been "vasectomized" on issues of "CO2 sinks" and emissions trading.

John tried to claim this as a victory for Little George. Unfortunately, John is wrong about the treaty being "emasculated" -- it still has teeth. Eleanor said as much -- saying that had Smirk's people been in the room, they might have won the actual changes they want. And emissions trading? Eleanor pointed out that Al Gore pushed that idea -- and Smirk's people had made fun of it, but now they seem to be embracing it. Tony said that the watered-down treaty is not that strong. John lied about a 97-0 vote in the Senate having been against the Kyoto Treaty (it was NOT such a vote). Kudlow said that the Bonn "accord" caused markets worldwide to fall (how long, Larry? one day, wasn't it? and then they rebounded, didn't they?), and Mort said it was dumb for Simian George to alienate Europe over the treaty -- to which Kudlow said he had alienated the right people.

Then, John claimed that the Genoa G8 was a huge-ass victory for Smirk because there's going to be a "deal" on missile defense -- and that Democrats were stopped in their tracks, characterizing Sen. Carl Levin as having "turned" on his view of the treaty.

Here's the truth: Dems know that negotiations are going to take years -- and Putin is no lightweight.

Tony tried to make this a big defeat for Dems and claimed that Putin is looking to reposition Russia and Smirk's killing of treaties is a good thing. Eleanor called it an "elegant gloss on walking away from treaties he doesn't like." Nobody pointed out that Levin is now waiting for Team Smirk to screw up "big time." Kudlow called Smirk a "visionary." We laughed out loud. Kudlow also said that Russia is tilting away from Europe and toward the U.S.

The loopiest predictions in months!
Larry: Greenspan will be forced to cut the lending rate another 0.5%.
Eleanor: George's faith-based program is dead in the Senate.
Tony: right-wing New Jersey Republican gubernatorial candidate Brent Schundler will win in an upset.
Mort: Ireland's Protestants and Catholics will agree to decommission weapons -- and reform the police.
John: there will be a $150 billion surplus.

Dream on, John. We thought you'd been granted amnesty from right-wing insanity for just one week -- looks like we were wrong...

When Tim Russert leads with that question, you know that NBC is scared stiff that their puppet-boy George is no longer in the driver's seat.

"But first," a little Gary Condit bashing as Tim acted momentarily as if he was wringing his hands over Chandra Levy. Tim asked DC police chief Charles Gaines if they had everything they need in the way of information from Condit, whether Condit has been ruled out, and reports that Condit's attorney asked the DC police not to make him take another lie-detector test or charge him with obstruction of justice. "Didn't he impose ground rules on you before the fourth interview?" "Can you lock down his alibi?" "Did Mrs. Condit call his apartment and have a heated discussion with Chandra Levy?" "Will you give Mrs. Condit a lie detector test?"

It was Tim's Rottweiler style at his worst. The obese pundit was throwing out every accusation possible against Condit in the form of "probing" questions to Gaines and, unlike his appearance on This Leak, Gaines made it clear that Condit was still a focus of the DC fuzz. But when Tim asked Gaines about criticism that the case was getting inordinate attention from the DC police, Gaines turned the tables -- pointing out that the media is obsessing over the case, putting pressure on his department to solve the case.

Tim then turned to House "Squeaker" Denny Hastert, mentioning that "Democrat" Charles Stenholm said that "Democrat" Gary Condit brought shame upon the House.

Well, Tim, would it not be fair to mention that both "Democrats" vote more like Republicans -- in fact, both supported the Great Clinton Wiener Impeachment. You know, maybe Stenholm's right -- but he really SHOULD include himself and resign.

Denny mumbled something about standards of conduct for members of the House -- as if those rules really matter to current or former members.

Tim then brought up the laughable argument that Condit should recuse himself from committee decisions because he could be "blackmailed."

What a joke -- as if Condit were the ONE and ONLY such politician in the hallowed halls of Congress who could be "blackmailed."

Then Tim attacked Denny, playing a clip of Rep. Chris Shays saying -- his exact word -- that he had been "screwed" by Denny when the Squeaker backed off a promise on an up-or-down vote on campaign finance reform. Denny blamed procedures -- as if he had no power to bypass them as the GOP is continually wont to do.

Will there be another vote on campaign finance reform? Denny seems to think there will -- but as the result of a discharge petition. Will there be a vote on a Patients' Bill of Rights this week? Hastert tried to come across as a champion of patients' rights, saying he had been working on it for ten years (right -- on an HMO Right to Screw Patients) and progress is being made (on behalf of the pharma and insurance industries). Denny also seems to love pro-insurance-industry ERISA laws: "We don't want to destroy this process."

He added that he does not want a Patients' Bill of Rights to lead to "unfettered lawsuits." Well, maybe he should look at states that have passed strong patient protections, like Texas: as of a few weeks ago, less than 20 lawsuits have been filed since the Texas bill became law.

Then Tim quoted the New York Times reporting that Tom Davis is encouraging GOP moderates to oppose oil drilling in Alaska to send a message to Tom DeLay and Denny (DeLay's sock puppet). The best Denny could do was raise the specter of an unstable Middle East as an excuse for lots of drilling. Tim asked whether this doesn't give moderates a good bill to prove their independence. Denny said that he wants to pull moderates and conservatives together.

Should Chimp Boy keep his word on opposing funding for stem cell research that destroys human embryos? Hastert used the old anti-choice spin of some sort of "industry" for "creating" embryos for intentional destruction.

We've got news for you, Denny: THERE'S NO SUCH INDUSTRY. These embryos are primarily for reproductive use; if some do not get used and can be used to help cure millions of their debilitating diseases, what's the big deal? Denny showed every sign of kowtowing to the anti-choice Christian "Taliban."

Denny also shot down support for making the well-off pay their fair share into the Social Security system. Hastert then said that since he's been Speaker, the Social Security trust fund has not been raided. Tim asked him to promise that he would not raid the Social Security or Medicare trust funds. Hastert would not commit -- he thinks "we're OK for 2001."

Does Denny "hope" Katherine Harris will run for Congress? Ha, ha, ha -- great wording, Tim! Denny said he believes she will run.

Tim concluded by asking if working with congressman was akin to coaching high school wrestlers or the WWF. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

The entire unspoken tenor of the segment was not so much that Smirk has lost control of "his" agenda than the fact that DeLay has lost control of the House and Hastert is hapless and helpless as moderates side with Democrats. Bottom line: the House IS in play next year, and the campaigning is already on.

Tim began his panel "gang bang" by insisting that the DC police have not "cleared" Condit. Andrea Mitchell -- who, as the wife of President Alan Greenspan, should know better than to report on ANY political news -- put in her two cents about the assumption that Levy is dead; Paul Gigot of The We Still Hate Bill Clinton Wall Street Journal fretted that Condit could be redistricted out of Congress. Tim said that he's amazed about the number of people who want to talk to HIM about stem-cell research -- and played up a stupid anti-choice group's stupid ad in the proto-fascist Washington Times newspaper, owned by conservative "holy man" Sun Myung Moon.

It is simply astonishing that Tim Russert gives credence to what is a fringe newspaper considered a joke by most Washingtonians (even Republicans) by plugging what amounts to a religious ad -- not even an article -- in a propaganda rag. Is he being paid under the table by the Moonies? Is he, for that matter, a "born again" Moonie?

The pap about stem cell research was boring -- other than First Lady Greenspan explaining how Smirk will have to "massage" the situation if he supports funding stem cell research so as not to look as if he is breaking a campaign promise he made to politically active so-called Christians. There was some talk about Social Security, and Gigot had to mention that Pat Moynihan, who heads the Social Security commission, is a Democrat.

Then Tim turned to Jimmy Carter's slam of Smirk Boy's pseudo-presidency. Carter had said that he thought Little George would govern from the center -- but is a hard-righter. Andrea tried to claim that Carter is trying to "mollify" his statement -- then contrasted the fact that the presidential race was "contested" with Smirk's hard-right leanings. David Broder hit the nail on the head: Jimmy Carter has proven a loose cannon, even speaking and acting against Bill Clinton. On the matter of Clinton's Harlem office opening, Gigot had to concede that the Big Dog is the leader of the opposition. Andrea said he's ready to move up -- not just to Harlem, but in public exposure.

Broder, a veteran Bubba-hater, said that he had said Clinton should resign -- but at Katherine Graham's funeral, Clinton was charming and gracious to him. Broder parroted the boilerplate psychobabble favored among Clinton-bashers as he rhetorically asked "Why? He needs to be loved."

What bullshit, Broder. You want to know why? Here's the real reason: President Clinton is a better, kinder, more generous, more powerful, and more beloved man than you -- a bitter, effete old pundit -- have ever been or will ever be. You sounded more jealous of Bill than Sally "Homewrecker" Quinn is of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Choke on it, little man!

There was a great Meet the Press minute from the 1980s featuring a real House Speaker, Tip O'Neill. He wore his usual ill-fitting suit -- yet exuded more authority and credibility than one could ever imagine radiating from Hastert, Trent "Loot," or the Usurper Boy.

That's a joke. For months now, "How-Weird" Kurtz (or, as some of us occasionally call him, Howie Putz) -- in his Washington Post columns and on this show -- routinely serves as apologist and defender of the media against whatever horror has recently been exposed.

How-Weird seems to feel his job is to reflexively diminish or outright dismiss accusations of bias and laziness by the press -- even in the face of stark evidence. He routinely dismisses the thousands of e-mails he gets from people who have become sick and tired of lies and right-wing bias that permeate the mainstream press. To How-weird, each and every one of those is from "knee-jerk Clinton defender."

What more blatant evidence does one need than that? At the risk of repeating myself, this guy is supposed to be a media critic -- yet he completely dismisses not only the enormous dissatisfaction felt toward corporate media "news" by millions but the fact that these people are turning away from mainstream outlets in droves! This guy is so entrenched in the incestuous D.C. media scene that he doesn't dare take too hard a stance against the press. Kurtz's attitude is precisely why the media's credibility is eroded to almost nothing. Howie could do great good as arguably the most visible "media critic" in the country, yet he consistently fiddles while the media burns.

Today's guest was "Slime-a-nator" Ari Fleisher, always a contender for creepiest member of the "administration." This guy is a snake, pure and simple. I kept watching to see if I can spot a forked tongue flicking out of his mouth.

If you could have a lie detection device with an air horn alarm attached to Ari, the thing would be triggered so often that all you'd hear would be the first word of his sentences! It would go off so often and so intensely that it would probably start smoking and shooting sparks.
"Well Bernie, we've always--"
"BMMAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!"
"--and that's because--"
"BMMAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Howie asks the Slime if the polls showing his boss experiencing a steady and precipitous decline in public support are "fair."

Hey, Howie: absent faulty statistical methods, or leading wording of the questions, any poll is fair!

And here's old Kurtz serving up this softball to the Slime so he can say they're not fair. The question should not have been whether the polls are "fair" or not, but rather WHY Slime thinks his Boss is in free fall in the polls.

Oh, please! It's not your job to imply that the polls are not "fair" WITHIN your question!!! The Slime is quite capable of figuring out how to weasel his way out of it without need of you being so helpful.

Slime, in his Cheney-clone barely-audible voice, said he needs to be fair and truthful, and that if the White House has made a mistake he has said so (BMMAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!). Funny, it must have never made the papers, as I can't recall him ever saying they've made so much as the slightest mistake.

When asked if he has enough access to Dim Son, Slime said he has all the contact he needs. I wonder if he has a translator, though.

As evidence of how available Bush is, Fly-sure said Smirk took EIGHT questions at a recent photo op.

He says Smirk had five press conferences in five days overseas. That proves that the Chimp is a completely accessible president, I guess…

…except that Kalb pointed out that press conferences are ALWAYS given daily on those sorts of foreign trips. BMMAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

So even during this interview, the Slime is essentially MISLEADING the American public. What a swell guy. I guess the fact that our bogus POTUS is actually doing what every president before him has done is a sign of virtue now.

An interview that Smirk gave to John King then was offered as proof that Slime-boy's putative boss has plenty of exposure. One interview. Then The Slime-a-nator created a straw man argument and tried to say that the press will never be happy until they have 24-hour "OvalCam" coverage of Smirk. I guess what he's saying is since the press will always want more access, that excuses the fact that they almost never let the dim bulb resident off his leash.

Is the Slime embarrassed about his having said that Kwesi Mfume "used to be" the president of the NAACP, when in fact he still is? Slime said he'd like to be 100% accurate, implying that his incredible error in that case and others is nothing more that merely falling short of perfection.

What about threatening reporters to not ask certain questions? He says he'll not hesitate to tell reporters if HE thinks their questions are "over the line." But shouldn't reporters be able to ask any questions they want? After all, he can always say no comment or refuse to answer? The Prime Slime says that was OK years ago, but now the press briefings are televised -- using that fact to justify attempts to censor and quash questions that might expose Smirk as a dangerous fool, even without an answer!

Does the Slime favor conservative press outlets such as Faux News with their leaks? He dodges the question, blames the Clinton Administration (BMMAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!) for being tilted with their leaks, and only will say that he "treats everyone equal." He says that giving the story to one reporter is "unfair" to other reporters (BMMAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!). So they let Smirk make the news and give everyone the same opportunity to cover it.

Slime then defended Obergruppenführer Rove, saying that he didn't get his certificate of divestiture soon enough, and that's why he got caught in a blatant conflict of interest.

How come there's no "off the record" sessions with administration figures? Slime says there have been, that the Chimp has held sessions "on background."

Yeah, but we're sure that the reporters learned nothing except that the guy is a shallow dunce with a crude and moronic sense of reality. No "background" session needed for that!

He dodged and slimed his way though an innocuous final question about what the differences were between his being a press flack on the Hill and now being in the middle of the White House press operation -- then we were mercifully rid of this abomination.

They quoted Richard Cohen in Thursday's Washington Post saying "…every journalist who is not too stupid or too full of himself to known better knows precisely what the Levy-Condit story is: pornography by another name."

"How-weird" mentioned that FAUX News Channel has even interviewed a damn psychic about this story! Now try to say that FAUX isn't a "legitimate" news channel!! It almost makes the old "First Edition" show look like McNeil/Lehrer.

Kalb tried to defend it by saying that it has the virtue of having a missing young lady as part of the story. It seems to me that there are thousands of stories this very day involving missing young ladies, yet we're not made to endure near saturation coverage -- with 4 solid hours of nothing but each night on CNN and other networks!

Howie then simply stated the obvious, saying in essence that there are very few pieces of evidence, and that they all get tossed into a blender and mixed with rank speculation.

Then Bernie opined, making the excellent point that the press always chases violent pictures and did a great disservice to the thousands of non-violent protesters at Genoa by focusing obsessively and exclusively on pictures and stories about violence perpetrated by a tiny minority of protesters.

Departing from the all-Condit, all-the-time script, the Gang gets wonky wit' it on Social Security.

Da funky Kapital Krew was kickin' it with Senator Chuck Hagel R-Nebraska representin' da foreign relations committee. Also, Margaret "Fly Girl" Carlson was sitting in for the whack Kate O'Beirne, who must have had a lucrative gig speaking to some Daughters of the Confederacy luncheon.

They led off with former (elected) president Carter's observation on the unqualified chump occupying the White House.

"I have been disappointed in almost everything he (the Chimp) has done --- I thought he would be a moderate leader but he has been very strictly conforming to some of the more conservatives members of his administration."

We were then treated to video clips of Russian President Vladimir Putin and the genetically challenged leader of the free world. I must admit that I understood Putin speaking in his native Russian better than I did Smirk babbling in whatever language it is he speaks.

They also showed Smirk looking like a local hack politician working a Rotary club lunch during his visit to troops in Bosnia. I did catch Smirk brazenly reversing himself on his campaign position that he'd seriously consider just yanking U.S. troops out of Bosnia altogether. He'd often beaten on the Clinton/Gore administration's Bosnia position during the campaign. Now he's shown standing there saying that the U.N. forces came to Bosnia together, and they'll leave together.

Shields put the first question to the panel. Was President Carter's criticism justified?

Al Hunt: While the Smirk administration has been busy spinning this recent trip as a success, the British press has been full of leaks that Tony Blair had taken Bush aside and lectured him on his foolhardy isolationist policies. Hunt felt that the entire trip was "ho-hum" and got minimal press coverage in the U.S.

Bubbly Bob Novak led off by asserting that Carter was a "very poor" president, and had been "up until now" a good ex-president. Boob thinks that Carter broke the unwritten rule that ex-presidents "stick together" and he found it "ridiculous" that Carter, who he says lost the presidency because of bad foreign policy, now dares to criticize this disaster waiting to happen we now have as a "leader."

In his best mockingly condescending tones, he then said that he'd learned it was impossible to satisfied people like Al Hunt, and that the "liberals" were wringing their hands about what Bush has been doing. In Nocturnal Novak's world, the only bad part about the trip was Bush pulling a 180 degree turn from his position on Bosnia during the campaign. OK, chalk up one for Novak.

Chuck Hagel did a Herculean job of filling time in a torturous attempt to defend the idiot in charge. He tried to say that Chump wasn't really changing directions. That was interesting.

Hagel, despite his sober gaze, is a real card. He says that he wouldn't go as far as saying Bungle Boy is "re-calibrating." He made this preposterous assertion and then went on to say that Smirk had said that we had obligations to our allies. Yeah. So what?

Then after a minute or two aimlessly driving around on this dead end street, he finally clicked in and blamed it on Clinton, saying of course the Chump was goofing things up, but it was because he "inherited" these foreign policy problems. Well DUH! I suppose foreign situations should have the grace to simply go away when a new administration is appointed?

The Chimp inherited a relatively stable situation in Bosnia, light-years away from the genocidal nightmare that Clinton was faced with. Thank God the Bosnia crisis didn't happen during the Knuckle-draggers term! Cheney/Strangefeld might have then achieved their wet dream: World War III.

Now the pResident can't even handle keeping the status quo, and that's blamed on Clinton. Don't these people think we can see through this garbage? Either we the people must be buying it, or they're digging their own graves, because they're sure still sticking to the script.

Let's only pray that people are wising up and that the right is dead wrong. Millions of words are written about this catastrophe of an unelected administration, but what are you going to do about it next election? There's work to be done to restore democracy around here.

Hagel then tried to say that this trip was the result of all the "quiet, behind the scenes" work by Colin Powell, Condi Rice, and Dr. Strangefeld. Uh, OK. If you say so. (maybe a little TOO quiet, seeing as Cheney is about to get sued to force him to reveal who was at his secret energy policy meetings) But Chuck, I didn't notice anything being accomplished.

All I see is a nervous relief that the chump was able to escape the trip without greater loss of life and no apparent international crisis. I sense a great sigh of relief that no European leader came out and directly condemned him and that he didn't stick asparagus sprouts in his nose at a state dinner. He got in and out with only one death, and his representative being loudly jeered by her peers when she stated that the Chimp administration was "committed" to reducing greenhouse gases. This is what Powell, Rice, and Strangefeld were working so hard to accomplish? That shouldn't be a source of pride in anyone's book! (though I must admit, they couldn't pay me enough to be in charge of trying to keep this shallow, unqualified dolt from embarrassing himself and our nation. It's just too tall an order. They have a staff of hundreds devoted to attempting just that, and they still aren't successful.)

What were Margaret Carlson's expectations of the trip? "Low.", said Ms. Carlson, "Ari Fleisher and others want them to be low, so I'll try to comply." Carlson is saying this tongue in cheek, but it's infuriating and sad that for 90% of the press, that's exactly their attitude.

Then taking a little whack at those saying that Dim Son would "grow" in the presidency, she said that his flip-flopping on policy in Kosovo was proof that he indeed could "grow" in the presidency, since he was WRONG during the campaign, and now his statement in Kosovo seemed to say that he simply hadn't realized that our allies had troops there in greater numbers than we do. So Margaret is pleased that Smirk got that straight. Yes. Much like when your new puppy finally craps on the papers instead of your bed.

Margaret remarked that during his campaign, Bush baby criticized Clinton for having too close a relationship with Yeltsin, yet the relationship between Putin and the dry drunk is like a high school crush! Haha!

She said this was confusing others, such as Tony Blair, the prime minister of England, who said he didn't know what Smirk was doing. Even Bush said, and I'm not making this up, that it's "hard to commit to a vague notion.", acknowledging what Blair had said. Margaret reports Putin saying he'd found Bush's statements "very deep and very profound.", so Margaret thinks that will ensure Bush is in love with Putin for a long time. (Anyone that can say the words "deep" and "profound" in the same sentence with "Bush" and not rupture something suppressing a laugh deserves to be admired, if only for their nerve and discipline.)

During this exchange they would show quick shots of Novak looking like he was smelling something very, very bad. Ha! It looked like Boob was about to bring the yuks, and I wasn't disappointed. He said that he thinks Bush should get credit for rejecting just about everything our allies propose, including a treaty to control biological warfare weapons. "I just - I just think there's nothing this president can do to satisfy the left wing press or the Democrats. I just think there's a hostility there." Good eye there, Sherlock. It's astute observations like this that are the reason you get the big bucks, Bob. Sheesh!

Then Hunt called him on this, citing an article in the Economist, a magazine Boob used to write for, asking if Smirk has ever met a treaty he liked. Boob sputtered that it was a long time ago that he wrote for that magazine, and then went on to blame criticism of Smirk on a "left-European bias", and that journalists here in the U.S. shouldn't adopt this "bias."

Man! What a card old Bob is! I love these new ideological terms he creates almost every week. And we sure don't need any "left-European" reporting in THIS country! Hell no! Not now that Bob and his ilk think they've got control all sewed up. Think again Bob.

The left has ceded power for decades now, but Bob and his gang just might be surprised come election time. Despite the fact that they've moved methodically towards absolute control of the media and thus the debate in this country, they just might get bit in the ass.

You can steal a bone from a dog that's staked out in a yard once, but when you come walking by again in two years talking to it all nice and reaching out your arm to pet it, you just might end up coming away with less than you came with. In other words, you'll have a real hard time in the future showing someone the size of the fish you caught.

After enduring a string of commercials for Smirks biggest backers, including Williams Energy, and <GAG> that nauseating PharMa commercial, which I must have seen at LEAST 381 times by now, (How many hundreds of thousands of poor seniors could have their pharmaceutical bills paid for in full with the millions it is costing to blanket the airwaves with this propaganda?) it was on to "When the Dope Met the Pope", or "A Funny Thing Happened On My Way to the Vatican."

Dim Son's visit with the Pope was shown on video clip. This REALLY does NOT help the dottering Pope's credibility one bit. But what a pair!! There's something fundamentally disquieting about seeing these two together and realizing that they are two of the most powerful humans on the planet. This isn't exactly conducive to sound sleep.

I wonder what nickname the Texas Dullard bestowed on the Pope. "J.P.", or perhaps, "Big Bad John." Perhaps he quipped that, what with all the things that the Pope forbids his followers to do, maybe they should call it the "Vati-can't." HEH HEH HEH! --- er--- cough.

A clip was shown of the Pope reading a statement, which unfortunately, was largely unintelligible. They then did a quick cut to Bush saying "Of course I'll take that point of view into consideration.", which I found pretty humorous.

Smirk was standing there speaking like a somewhat toned down imitation of a locally produced used car TV ad featuring the plaid jacketed owner of the lot, exhibiting all the disjointed and apparently purposeless and random arm movements that made his father look like such a clueless buffoon. (How can we offer such low prices? We're INSANE!!!)

The panel then dug into the stem-cell research issue. It was very unfortunate in my opinion that the Pope spoke out in opposition to this. But Catholicism is not something I should express an opinion on. This is politics, right? What you do about your eternal soul is your business. But it's unfortunate when one religious leader's opinion can affect the future of life-saving scientific research. Taking that premise to a broader level, I think it's unfortunate and wrong for ANY religious figure to influence laws and policy based on their particular (or peculiar, depending on your view) beliefs, period.

Should the Dope be influenced by the Pope?

Bubbles Novak was a bit harsh with poor bumbling George. He said that it only makes the decision more difficult for Chimp now, and said that the decision should have been made long before this visit with the Pope. Some say that it was widely known what the Pope would say on this issue, but Novak reveals that in preliminary preparations, it was understood that his Popeliness would not offer an opinion on this issue. This is rather interesting, to say the least.

Maybe Smirk and his minions thought he could go over there, pick up a bunch of Catholic votes from the photo op, and not get saddled with an official pronouncement from the Pope. OOOooops. Yet another "well-oiled machine", "grown-up", "not Clinton" moment.

Margaret showed the White House staff to be the clearly ignorant amateurs they are by suggesting that perhaps they should have told Junior that it's "Your Holiness", not "Sir", as the Dope addressed the Pope. She further showed the artlessness of this cynical vote grab by pointing out that the former Governor of Texas's staff should have KNOWN that the Pope would express his well known position on this issue. "That's what infallible people do." Ha ha!

Not only that, if Smirk comes out against stem cell research, it will be correctly seen as a cynical grab for Catholic and religious right votes, but if he goes the other way, he'll be in agreement with the majority of the country and many in his own party.

The consensus was that Duhbuhyuh will suffer either way. Chuck Hagel expressed his rather disjointed and uniquely out of touch views on this. He said that of course all tough issues have political consequences, which is true. Then he said something bizarre and a touch frightening.

Hagel said he'd spoken to Smirk and he (Smirk) was "working it through in his own mind, ethically, morally, in every way, to try to frame up the perspectives of the consequences of this decision. Matter of fact, I understand he said, that short of getting America into World War III, the decision he makes here will probably be the most profound decision he makes in his first term."

Now, dear reader, that is a direct quote. Anything there stand out to you? Other than the fact that Hagel should stay WAY away from any microphones or cameras after what must have been a rough night the night before? Yes, it's pretty incoherent, but that's not it.

First, I invite readers to explain what "--- to try to frame up the perspectives of the consequences of this decision." means exactly. Don't attempt this lightly though. It could have a negative impact on your mental hygiene.

Then Hagel says, rather frighteningly, that Smirk is working this through in his own mind ethically, and morally. That is scary on it's face. What ethics and morality does the Chimp possess exactly? And anything that filters through the formerly alcohol soaked membrane in his head has got to be suspect. If I was Christopher Reeves or Michael J. Fox, I'd be sweating right now.

Then the key sentence. "Matter of fact, I understand he said, that short of getting America into World War III, the decision he makes here will probably be the most profound decision he makes in his first term."

That sounds to me like getting America into World War III is on Smirk's agenda for his first term! I know that's not what Hagel meant to imply, but isn't that a REALLY bizarre analogy? It seems to say clearly that this stem cell decision will be the biggest decision for Smirk in his first term, with the exception of getting us into WWIII. Yikes! That's a pretty troubling way to phrase it, even though it's obviously not what he intended to convey.

Just likes the Texas Twerp's recent mention of how nice it would be if America was a dictatorship, (the SECOND time he's expressed that view) extreme statements that would normally be laughed off carry a disturbing chill of truth.

Al Hunt thinks that Dim Bulb has gotten himself in a heck of a mess over this issue, and says that Smirk is searching for a compromise. But if you're a "right to life" absolutist, there isn't any compromise. The Texas Twerp also spent months during the campaign spouting that he was a guy who "says what he means and means what he says", (a phrase the Yale grad must have come up with after reading "Horton Hears a Who" on the campaign plane.) but, as Hunt points out, that hasn't been the case on carbon dioxide, Kosovo, and a whole host of other issues.

Margaret spotted the escape hatch Smirk and his handler are using, namely, that he's said he doesn't know squat about most things, and now he can say that he's changing his views now that he's learning more about them. Isn't that nice that someone's impressed on him that, as distasteful as it is to him, he really ought to have at least a rudimentary grasp of the issues he is expected to decide on. What a gob.

To the suggestion that the Texas Twit is "studying" the stem cell issue, Novakula wondered how one "studies" a moral issue. I'm sure it's possible, but there's no way in hell it's within Junior's mental capacity or inclination. If you can't smell it, drink it, eat it, snort it, buy it, sell it, or use it for profit, it's not part of Smirk's reality. With the exception of a Sunday School idea of Christianity, and equating wealth with intelligence, wisdom, and moral authority, he has no philosophy whatsoever.

Now the panel took the plunge into a vitally important issue, which also happens to be as un-sexy as you can get. Social Security reform.

Despite my fervent wish that the press would lay off the tabloid titillation and focus on solid reporting on important, if dry, issues, I find that it's very difficult to report what pundits are slinging about it. It's the kind of stuff you need to read propped up in bed, not clicking around on your computer for a quick read. (I know, I know, this isn't exactly a "quick read" either. My apologies.)

The segment started with clips of the second dottering supposedly wise man on the show today, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, co-chair of the Social Security commission. Then the walking Sominex tablet, Dick Gephardt, was shown expressing his disapproval, followed by Tom Daschle doing the same.

Then the richest black person in the country, Robert Johnson, CEO of Black Entertainment Television, or BET, who for reasons that escape me, happens to be on the Social Security reform commission, was shown condemning the critics of the commission. What this guy is doing on the commission is a real brain buster. What's HE got to do with social security? A guy that runs a network? The make up of the commission is completely stacked with multi-millionaires that have ZERO desire to provide for people, but a motivation to find a way for other plutocrats to make millions off the system, while leaving the entire system in so precarious a condition that it might collapse entirely, which wouldn't exactly bother them too much at all. It's like having a group of foxes sitting on the "Hen House Security Commission."

Margaret said correctly that this thing is a sham, that the commission is stacked, and that Social Security is supposed to be just that, Social Security. Privatization supporters flogging a non-existent "crisis" is only a way to try to shove privatization upon us before the public has a chance to properly evaluate it. She said that for people like Novak with money to invest, it would work out great.

Social Security is an insurance program, not a lottery where you put your money in and hope you win. The privatization scheme is a disaster waiting to happen. There's not enough money for it, thanks to the chimps tax giveaway bribe to the sheep, and then there's the fact that to simply implement the program, it would cost BILLIONS of additional dollars.

Boob admitted that if you have money, you'd be much better off if this plan was in effect 5 years ago. He called Daschle a liar for saying the suggested plan would cut benefits 41%. He started to sputter a little bit, but there wasn't a full fledged spray. It was close though.

Hagel uttered some unremarkable blather on the issue, once again reverting to the standard tactic of simply stating the situation a few different ways and hoping that nobody will realize that you haven't said a damn thing.

Al Hunt (who for inexplicable reasons was wearing an enormous thick purple tie about the size of a baby's arm hanging from his neck like he was trying out for the role of Carl Bernstein in a remake of "All The President's Men, or going to a '70's theme party after the taping.) rose to the bait and agreed that it's unfortunate that there's so much demagoguery flying around on this issue.

But, he said, the White House isn't saying anything about raising taxes or lowering benefits, and is making it sound like it's a free lunch. He said if Novak is going to use words like lie, he should take his pick, since the White House is either lying in the economic projections in their tax cut bill, or the economic projections in the social security proposal, because they're completely different from each other!

Then they showed one of those gems. A quick cut of Novakula's reaction. He was sitting there looking like he was passing a stone while listening to Hunt. It's hilarious! I wish I has some software to do still captures from video. What a collage that would make! Ha! Bob Novak showing his emotional range from disgust to disdain and back again.

Why isn't the fact that Smirk is using "fuzzy math" and deceiving the entire country being discussed on the front page of every newspaper? Shouldn't the public know that his numbers DO NOT WORK? Shouldn't Americans know that they use one set of projections to justify the disastrous tax giveaway, and a completely different set to justify privatizing Social Security?

And where are the Dems? You'd think they'd try to get this information out. Guess it's not that important. Is there ANYONE in charge in the Democratic party?

If the Republicans were handed an issue like this, they'd use up a forest worth of paper sending out blast faxes to every editor, reporter, radio host, and pundit in the country, every single representative would be on the air saying the exact same thing in lock step, "on message", and they would continue to hammer it for weeks!

Sunbeam Novak says that the head of the House Republican campaign committee says that Bush needs to get in the bully (appropriate for him) pulpit and "sell it", meaning his Social Insecurity scheme, to the public.

Why do I not doubt that we'll see Smirk and company blanketing the media with their lies on this, and then, ONLY then, will the Democrats respond with a feeble and by then worthless attempt to counter it?

Hunt cut in and said, "Raise taxes or cut benefits, one or the other, right Bob?" "No!", said Novak, trying to snake his way out, "it's a matter of getting people --- letting people --- ordinary people, who are under the yoke of the Democratic Party and the labor unions ha----"

At this point, the howls and jeers began and Boob had to shout out the remainder of his laughable point. "---have their own traditional wealth!" HAHAHAHAHA!!!! It was hilarious! He was waving his fist like a little tyrant, and Hunt and Shields were emitting howls and groans. Shields turned and did the time out sign in Novak's face and shouted, "Time out for you! I've had enough of you to last a lifetime, Novak!" Sunbeam sat there with a big grin on his face, very satisfied at having gone over the line and gotten this response. It was hilarious.

It was time for the Capital Flashback, which was amusing when Hagel said he admired Al Hunt for wearing the same outfit he had on five years ago! After about a half hour news and commercial break, enough time to let Novak check to see if the Puerto Rican he gave $2.50 to watch his Corvette was still on the job, and the OTHER horrid PharMa commercial, the second half started off with a Catholic theologian named Novak. (Yikes!) who was basically a conservative and defended the church in all matters. Big surprise.

Then Shields interviewed Tom Fiedler, the new executive editor of the Miami Herald about the Florida Governor's race. This is going to be an interesting story, with Pete Peterson, former ambassador to Vietnam and Janet Reno in the running, but it's pretty premature to discuss at this point.

I better cut to the chase however, which is...

The Outrage Of The Week!

Mark Shields asks "Who's been spiking Trent Lott's Ovaltine?" haha! Condemning Gary Condit, Lott declared that any adulterer in congress should resign. "Hello Newt!", said Shields, neatly making his point in two words. Then it was Helmet Heads stupid comments regarding holding Mexican truckers to uniform safety standards. "It bothers me that there's a kind of anti-Mexican, anti-Hispanic, anti-Nafta attitude." Does this mean that the 70 senators that voted for uniform safety requirements are anti-Mexican, anti-Hispanic, and anti-NAFTA?

Sunbeam Novak says that it WAS anti-Mexican and anti NAFTA, then went on to be indignant over Police Departments now getting new toys, pole mounted cameras that allow them to nab speeders and people that run lights. It's not for safety reasons Bob says, but solely for money. The D.C. police estimates that the cameras will yield $160 MILLION dollars by 2004, by the first of August this year, 80,000 tickets a month will be issued, compared to 10,000 all of last year. The Prince of Darkness thinks Drunken Dick Armey deserves credit for fighting against this.

Margaret Carlson opened by asking Boob how many tickets he'd gotten! Guess it pisses Boob off when he keeps getting tickets in his Corvette. Don't they know who he is?? There should be no laws for wealthy important conservatives such as himself. Get the government off their backs!

Margaret informs us about the Chimp's wanting to nominate a woman to the consumer products safety commission that hates regulating consumer products! This is an outrage, but has become common under the Smirk occupation. Carlson says that where other people see defective products that burn or drown babies, the Chimp's nominee, Mary Gaul only sees defective parents.

Fire resistant pajamas for kids? Why bother, says Gaul, babies aren't likely to be in "fire situations."

Though Clinton re-nominated Gaul, he had to in order to get a strong chairwoman, Ann Brown.

Al Hunt dealt with the Repugs pulling the Patient's Bill of Right's bill because they couldn't muster enough votes to kill it. It remains to be seen if the White House and HMO's can pressure a dozen wavering Republicans who had voted for a REAL Patient's Bill of Rights last year. Hunt suggests we keep a careful accounting of these senators to see if they listen to doctors and patients, or the HMO's and their lackeys in the White House.

Mark Shields said good-night for the gang, and it was over. After curling up in a fetal position for a while, which I usually do after watching these things, I got up and ground out this report. I still wake up occasionally gripping damp sheets and shouting while visions of Bob Novak's face in slow-mo dances before me. But that's a small price to pay to be able to bring you a somewhat digestible review of what goes on in the putrid pundit pits of America today. You can thank me later.

Morrie Friendly is a political consultant, retired advisor to GOP officials, and gifted golf hustler who lives in Washington and just sold his home in the Virginia suburbs -- to a Democrat!
Dave "Doctor" Gonzo quit his job as a disgruntled entertainment industry executive to become a disgruntled political commentator.
Dash Riprock is a freelance smart-aleck based in Moline, IL. He welcomes feedback or getting fed in any way at all. You can reach out and touch Mr. Riprock at dashriprockapj@hotmail.com. Mr. Riprock has decorated a shoe box to store love offerings and hopes his effort is not in vain.