American Politics Journal -- Zepp and Free Republic... Together At Last!

American Politics Journal

"I'm a Uniter, not a Divider" ...and the British say:
"Bottoms Up!" to That!
By Bryan Zepp Jamieson

July 18, 2001 (APJP) -- During the campaign, most people dismissed Putsch's claims that he was "a uniter, not a divider" as being more empty bombast from a guy who would say anything to get elected. After all, this was the same man who kept trying to pass himself off as a moderate, competent, and honest. If you have enough advertising dollars, you can sell anything, and this cruel joke of a candidate was very nearly elected President of the United States.

Reformer with Results, indeed.

In six short months, he's broken most of his campaign promises, and the ones he kept were the ones that most Americans hoped were just campaign bombast meant to appeal to the Neanderthal right.

So imagine our surprise when we all woke up this Monday morning to learn that Putsch, indeed, was a uniter and not a divider.

Putsch, through his imperious, bungling and profoundly ignorant approach to foreign affairs, has managed to unite the rest of the world against America.

Russia and China have signed an alliance (the White House is busily claiming it isn't an alliance) that, among other things, has Russia adopting the same stance toward Taiwan that China now has. In the language of the treaty: "The Russian side recognizes that there is only one China in the world. The government of the People's Republic of China is the only legitimate government representing the whole of China, and Taiwan is an integral part of China. The Russian side opposes the independence of Taiwan in any form." Russia, of course, always sided with China on that issue, but this was the first time since the fall of the USSR that it had been formalized into a treaty. It's a repudiation of the posture of the United States. The treaty also stipulates that should a third country pose any sort of threat to the land or security of either partner, the partners would convene to determine how to "eliminate the threat".

Not that we present much of a threat when Putsch is running things. For instance, we were going to sell some high-tech subs to Taiwan that we had bought from Germany. When it was announced, the Germans immediately protested that it violated the terms of the sale of the subs to America, insofar as America agreed not to give or sell the subs to any third party. Putsch told the Germans to go get stuffed. The Germans shrugged and said, "OK, in that case you can't have the subs. The deal's off." Putsch looked slack-jawed and said, "You mean you haven't delivered them yet?" and that was the end of a sale to Taiwan that all sides agreed would be pretty destabilizing.

See? I told you Putsch was bringing world peace and unity!

Putin gazed into the eyes of Jiang and agreed that there would be no "first-strike" between the two countries. They will also reduce forces along their border. The language of the treaty would appear to block Russia from joining NATO, unless they invited China in, too, but that's ok: Putin gazed into the soul of Europe in his romantic, warm way, and suggested that Europe scrap NATO altogether and join in a Pan-European bloc that would include Russia and exclude America. Putin's attitude toward expansion of NATO is the same one the Russians had five years ago, and it comes as no surprise to anyone outside of Washington: The Russians oppose NATO expansion toward their borders. Putin was saying this when Putsch met him, but Putsch was so love-smitten and so intent on trying to demonstrate that he could strike a rapport with foreign leaders that he didn't notice.

Six months ago, Europe would have scoffed at Putin's suggestion. But that was before the US trashed the Kyoto treaty and went ahead with Star Wars, threatening to trigger a new cold war and another arms race. Europe will follow her own interests, and her interests don't mesh very well with a nation that, more and more, is seen as a corporate slave state, inimical to human rights and human freedoms. Neither Russia nor China are exactly gleaming beacons of democracy, freedom and justice, but they aren't actively seeking to destroy environmental protections for profit, either. Nor are they tearing up the START treaties and the test-ban treaties for no other reason than that they think they can.

All over the world, former enemies and rivals are meeting and saying to one another, "What the hell are we going to do about America?"

What do you do about a President who has over 5,000 nuclear weapons that can be delivered, with pinpoint accuracy, to any point in the world, and who worries that America and its arsenal will be a nuclear attack victim from a country that has less than two dozen nukes?

Putsch has convinced Britons of every class, from members of the royal family to coal miners in Leeds, to work together and form a united front against a common foe. The foe is Putsch. The "united front" is supposed to be thousands and perhaps tens of thousands of hairy British bums, waggling in the watery London sunshine, all pointed at Putsch. Yes, the second mass mooning of an American President in history, and the first in England, is to take place next week. Promoters hope to have 40,000 English anuses pointed at the President-select.

At home, Putsch has united the left and the right. On the internet, Free Repubikkkans have joined voices with more leftward and rational sites such as Bartcop and American Politics Journal and are calling for Putsch's impeachment. Of course, while Bartcop and APJ are calling for his impeachment on the grounds that he's a weak, incompetent moron who had the election stolen for him, the more racist and xenophobic of the Freepers are screaming for his head because he wants to legitimize the Mexican undocumented aliens who are in the US.

Granted, this was one of the first decent acts the Putsch administration committed, but it was ham-handed and blatantly self-serving, and backfired. Rove or somebody had the idea that Putsch could do this and kiss up to the Hispanic population of voters, who don't much like Putsch. The only trouble is, the beneficiaries of this plan are undocumented aliens, who can't vote, and all it's going to do is annoy a fairly large segment of the American Hispanic population, who resent the undocumenteds, who will vote. For Democrats.

Even when Putsch does something right, he blows it.

Zepp and Free Republic, together at last. Kinda makes the old heart go pitty-pat, it does. I shall gaze deep into the eyes of Brian Buckley and pronounce him an honest man, with a good soul. And he shall do the same for me, and together, we shall croon that George W. Putsch should be ridden out of town on a rail.

Speaking of old hearts going pitty pat, the Putsch administration has managed to unite Vice President Dickey Ticker with your average blue-collar working stiff. Dick Cheney has been complaining about his electric bill, and thinks that since the Vice President's residence is Naval property, the Navy should cover it. Landlords are always eager to do helpful little things like pay the electric bill.

Like most of us, poor old Dick has to struggle by on a salary of just $300,000, and nothing more than his $24 million in assets to fall back upon. If you stop to think that his manipulation of markets means that he isn't getting more than about a 15% rate of return on that $24 million, then you realize that he's only pulling down - if he's lucky - $4,000,000 a year.

You see the problem.

Granted, he gets the place rent free, and he gets a limousine and a jet and a helicopter and a bunch of other perks, plus a few hundred thousand to cover official expenses, but even then, his electric bill is nearly $150,000 a year, which is nearly what Reliant Energy thinks a California family of four should pay. Must have something to do with those big, glitzy, illegal fundraisers Cheney throws on the property. Maybe he should look into renting the highschool gym next time.

If someone had told me, six months ago, that by now Putsch would have united Russian and Chinese, brought all of Europe together in a common bond, erased class distinctions in Britain, forged mutual understanding between American Politics Journal and Free Republic, and taught Dick Cheney what it's like to be a middle class guy struggling to pay the electric bill, I would have laughed, and told that person he was mad.

And of course, I would say the same thing now. The only real difference is that now, I at least get a mildly amusing essay out of it.