American Politics Journal -- Pundit Pap



"The Pundits, Flush With Pride" courtesy the Wizard of Whimsy.

Sunday, June 17, 2001 -- NEW YORK/WASHINGTON (APJP) -- The pundits were unanimous in their choice of spin topics -- Idiot Boy's first visit to "Yoorup" was topic one, the Democrat-supported Patients' Bill of Rights was topic two, and the Great Strange-feld Missile Defense Boondoggle was topic three.

Sam Donaldson was off this Sunday -- which meant that we were treated to the (not so) dynamic team of Cokie Roberts and George "Li'l Judas" Stephanopoulos. For what it's worth, This Reek didn't stink as much as usual -- but that's not much in the way of a compliment!

The Toxic Texan's European Vacation and the Patients' Bill of Rights were items one and two on This Reek's agenda. Guest one: Secretary of State Colin POwell.

Cokie said that Smirk said "Mark me down as very pleased" about Putin -- yet they disagreed about everything. All Powell could say in reply was that their get-together was "a good way to start their relationship." Powell conceded that Rumsfeld is playing a role in diplomacy and pushed the spin point that an expanded NATO does not threaten Russia -- but conceded that the U.S. has to convince Russia that this is true. But, Cokie asked, should you trust a guy who cracks down on intellectuals and the press? Powell talked about lofty concepts of spreading freedom -- including freedom of the press.

You mean like in the U.S., Colin? Our "free press" has done little in the way of reporting on the bad behavior of an unrecovered drunk, AWOL, failed businessman are not covered at all -- not to mention some questions about the management of your "charity," America's Promise. Free press -- or bought-out press?

Cokie quoted one scientific expert on missile defense who said that it looks as if the Bogus POTUS wants to break the ABM treaty with Russia instead of doing research within the treaty. Powell said that we NEED to have a limited missile defense -- it's a different world -- and we need to develop it. Cokie smacked Powell down, saying that Europe sure doesn't want it. The best Powell could do is say that Cokie was mischaracterizing the European reaction.

And that's true -- they don't just object, they see missile defense as utter madness and are angry at Cowboy Attila over his unilateralism.

Cokie and Powell talked Pentagon budget numbers -- and didn't say much of anything specific. The message: the Cheney-Card team is being vague, and that's a sign that the Democrat-controlled Senate changes the budgeting game for defense spending altogether.

Cokie turned to global warming -- and Snippy's failure to convince Europe to abandon the Kyoto treaty. Powell LIED when he said science is not clear as to how bad global warming is, then said that Europe has NOT ratified it.

They will soon, Colin -- if only to send your idiot "boss" and his handlers a message.

Powell said the U.S. is "not walking away" from the global warming problem -- but that's only because even the American press has made Little George look the fool on the matter as news stories reinforcing the reality of the problem broke just before he left to mispronounce the name of Spain's head of state.

Talk turned to the possibility of the U.S. sending troops to Macedonia. Powell tried to play down the likelihood, saying that the U.S. "is not in receipt of a request" to send troops.

Well, not formally, at least. Powell knows the unstable situation is a potential disaster for Europe -- and the U.S., which would not benefit in image or stature by standing back as southeastern Europe remains a flashpoint.

Powell seemed grumpy over the decision to close down the Vieques firing range while acknowledging that it is a serious problem with local citizens. He -- and others on Team Smirk -- had wanted to convince the public that there's no substitute for Vieques and that Vieques is crucial to national security as a training ground, but that's not true -- there are any number of other areas that can be used for live fire training.

The second segment began with Steph ready to talk Patients' Bill of Rights -- but first, the perennially perky Claire Shipman (recently pilfered from NBC) gave a report that shows the public agrees with Democrats -- so naturally, HMOs are running a series of TV commercials with the usual lies (of course, Shipman didn't come out and say that they are lying -- but one look at the spots and it's easy to tell). Steph asked what the "smart money" is on -- will Bush sign or veto? Claire said that Bush took it on the chin on the environment, so expect compromise.

Steph then turned to Sen. Bill First (R-Minority Heart Surgeon), who started by insisting that Smirk will veto the McCain-Kennedy Patients' Bill of Rights, then lied by making "trial lawyers" the villains. Sen. John Edwards (D-Made Sense) exposed Frist's lies -- first, employers will NOT get sued. Second, people get better health care. Steph even cued Edwards to undo Frist's lies about "trial lawyers" -- saying that there are two levels BEFORE patients can resort to their right to legal representation. Frist changed tack, claiming that people are not required to exhaust both

Oh, please -- not the lawyers WE know! Forty percent is top-dollar in big cities; most litigators take considerably less. Edwards retorted smoothly that HMO doctors are practically lawsuit-proof under the structure of the present HMO cartel. Edwards also slammed arbitrary caps on damages and slammed HMOs for trying to stop review of health cases by truly independent panels. Can you override a veto? Edwards said that they have the votes to pass it in the House and Senate -- then challenged the Smirk to keep his promise in last year's 'Debate Too' of signing a bill of rights.

Will Edwards run for Prez in 2004? He naturally said he's trying to be the best Senator he can. Steph then asked Frist if he was lobbying Liddy Dole to run for the Senate in North Carolina. Frist, cagey GOPer that he is, said he'd talked to Liddy about other matters (heh-heh -- probably the Jesse Helms 'dead pool' rumored to be a hot betting item on The Hill), then said that if Helms decides to run again, he'll support Helms.

But here's the truth: Helms's health is poor. He won't run again. Liddy will have to carpetbag if the GOP wants even a decent shot on retaining the seat -- and she's not as invulnerable as the GOP may think.

Edwards was relaxed, authoritative, easygoing and likable. Frist came across as gruff, stiff, and not the sweetest face for the GOP side -- he seemed in a snit whenever talk turned to those nasty "trial lawyers" -- a subject he initiated a few times too many for his own credibility. We wonder if he ever got sued when he was a practicing physician.

Following the break, there was a puff piece on "just how did His Fraudulence do in Europe?" The ABC correspondent said that the "irony" is that Smirk appeared to have less differences with Putin than he did with the rest of Europe. The correspondent also said that the European press has been tough on George -- but only pointed out that they mock his verbal gaffes.

Funny how they FORGET to mention that most of the substance of that criticism is focused on the Smirk Agenda and Chimp Boy's confederates -- and not on the man himself.

George Will whined about editorialists calling Smirk the "Toxic Texan," then essentially challenging Europe to pass the Kyoto treaty. Linda Douglass said that he may have left an impression that George the Lesser lacks depth and sophistication. Steph said that "like skating compulsories," the bar is low on expectations for the smirking moron. Will whined that Europe wants us to lead, but when we lead we're bullies.

Good grief -- when we try to shove a missile boondoggle and greenhouse gases down Europe's throat, we ARE bullies. Will was coming across as an even bigger dope than Dumb-Yuh this week!

Cokie sarcastically asked Will about the "warm and cozy" relationship between Bush and Putin. Will, isolationist and chauvinist that he is, called Russia a borderline third-world country -- and dismissed the meeting as "psychotherapy."

It seems that Will slams psychiatry and the mental health professions on a near-weekly basis. We're beginning to wonder if Will is a Scientologist.

Linda Douglass acted as a GOP press agent as she claimed that the Dems may not have the advantage on the Patients' Bill as they think. Cokie reminded viewers that it has passed the House. Will said something completely incongruous about taxi drivers, then LIED about the cost of medicine being high because of litigation (read: "Trial lawyers"). Steph said that McCain will act as referee.

What he really means: Dems will have some real fun and let J.J. smack Little George around.

Then, talk finally turned to Karl Rove's "little" Intel ethics problems. Steph gave an example of his lack of command of the facts as he claimed -- INCORRECTLY -- that Rove appears to have done nothing wrong. Douglass said that the GOP did not have much success grilling Clinton's staffers on ethics issues -- but that's only half true. Burton's phony-ass "hearings" were used to fuel right-wing attacks on and lies about Clinton.

There was some brief pap about Vieques. Cokie said that nobody was happy. Will blamed Clinton, saying admirals are in despair!

Douglass acted as a press agent for the military as she called Vieques an effective training ground -- but Steph needled her by saying, "Not since the protests began." Will said that Vieques is crucial to defending the Middle East -- huh?

The final word came from George Will on reality TV. We opted to get some coffee.

Two things are worth noting: whenever Cokie has a cutting comment about the Cheney-Card team, this sly little smile crosses her face. And the round table was a lot more free-wheeling than it has been in a long time. We think they've been watching FAUX News Sunday -- and taking notes on how to pep things up.

Issue One: Mister Bush goes to Europe. John McLaugh-In said that world leaders were friendly, protesters angry -- and that it moved the death penalty to the front of the issue agenda.

John narrated a puff piece for the death penalty -- then ran Smirk's ironic comment that "democracies are the will of the people."

Our translation: "If America were a REAL democracy, Al Gore would be here right now."

Michael Barone denounced Europeans as aristocrats looking down their noses at American barbarians -- then said genetically-engineered foods are not a problem. Huh? Eleanor said that for many, death is preferable to life in prison -- by the condemned them selves. She then slammed Michael for being an elitist himself (you GO, girl) and said that there's a big groundswell for gun control, yet our own "aristocrats" stop it. Tony LIED about gun control -- saying WRONGLY that the second amendment somehow guarantees the right to own a gun. Doyle McManus said Bush was not playing to Europe on the death penalty, but showing a deliberately confrontational style.

John said Europeans long for retribution against terrorists -- and Eleanor pointed out John's wacky attempt to invent a European groundswell for capital punishment as the Governor of Texas is poised to reform the death sentence. Tony LIED AGAIN, blaming JOURNALISTS for opposition to the death penalty.

Give Smirk a letter grade on his handling of the death penalty in Europe! No surprises:
Mike: A
Eleanor: D-
Tony: A
Doyle: he dropped from an A to a C by changing his stance on mentally handicapped convictees
John: A

Issue two: "green with envy" -- John spun for Snippy, saying he was against the Kyoto treaty, but was not opposed to fighting greenhouse gases. John then LIED, saying that the NIH had not tied the increase in greenhouse gases definitively to human activity -- but their conclusion was that they DO contribute. Why does Europe want the Kyoto formula? Eleanor said that Smirk's "weird science" is like asking "Does smoking cause lung cancer?" John still seems to think that cow flatulence is the cause of the greenhouse effect, and -- speaking of cow flatulence -- Tony dissed Romania for being the only nation to sign the Kyoto treaty, then said that Europe won't go along with anything unless the U.S. and Japan sign on. Doyle tried to prop up Smirk by saying he admitted that global warming is real and people cause it. Barone emphasized that science is not certain how much people cause global warming and that the Senate killed the Kyoto treaty. Eleanor said "I think you've had your say" and that the Senate did NOT kill the treaty -- they elected not to ratify it at that time.

Issue three: "Mad [the "mutually assured destruction" theory of nuclear strategy] is bad." More pap from Smirk about Russia not being "the enemy of the United States." But the ABM treaty, implied John, is a bad thing. Tony called French President Chirac an anti-missile-defense "reactionary." We laughed so hard we almost pulled a muscle. Doyle said that China's the new "enemy" -- and Bush CAN'T dump MAD. John said that a missile shield protects us from rogue states like Iran and North Korea.

John is madder than MAD -- because it's cheaper and easier to deploy a suitcase bomb than to risk shooting a missile.

Issue four: "Bush the unilateralist." John attempted to defend Little George from criticism of his "Smirk-o-lationism" and FALSELY claimed that our intervention has "DEEEE-stabilized the Balkans." John seemed upset that there may be a unified European army -- "They didn't seek our consent." To our astonishment, Doyle said John was WRONG -- and Eleanor said that the "whiners" had wanted Europe to keep their house clean. Doyle forecast that Bush would become a multilateralist.

Pompous final word: grade Bush overall (again, no surprises):
Mike: A
Eleanor: C-
Tony: B+
Doyle: Incomplete
John (and therefore Jack Welch): A

Guest one: Condoleezza Rice. Tim seized on Smirk's "looked him in the eye" comment -- how can the idiot trust Putin after less than two hours? Rice spun. Tim asked if we shouldn't wait to see if an ex-KGBer can be trusted? Rice said we'll see -- and spun about a "new strategic architecture." Did Bush ask Putin to stop selling arms to Iran? Rice said he raised it specifically -- and that they discussed Iran in depth. What about Putin's crackdown on the West? Rice spun lofty, non-specific blather about press freedom and "the opportunity for two men to convey their views... [in] an atmosphere of warmth."

Rice was more interested in extending Chimp Boy's charm agenda than in answering Russert's quite direct queries. Too bad Tim didn't follow through on most of his questions.

Could Russia become a member of NATO? Rice said that Russia's future is with Europe -- then said Russia has to "make the right decisions." Translation -- we'll see whether it's worth our while.

Will the U.S. build a missile defense system without Russia? We heard more spin from Rice about a "new era" and "we want to do this cooperatively" -- then a total lie: "We're winning the argument intellectually."

We thought Rice was smarter than that. Her total Big Lie is completely trashed if you read what most European leaders said this week about the utterly stupid missile defense scam.

But Rice kept going -- on "a new defensive architecture," on intercepting missiles in space (which is really useful if a rogue state stuffs a small nuke on a boat and explodes it in New York Harbor).

Rice came across as a starched, overly-coached spokesperson -- whenever Tim would feed her an argument, Rice would come back with some line that sounded as if Rumsfeld had written it. Tim even mentioned the New York Times's June 8 article quoting Rumsfeld rolling out an untested system -- and the Bogus POTUS contradicting him. Rice tried unsuccessfully to undo the damage -- talking about "the potential for the technology."

Here's the "potential", honey: billions for Microsoft, GE, General Dynamics, Boeing, Morton Thiokol, and dozens of other companies -- a potential big-ass quid-pro-quo for the defense industry.

Rice was put on the spot about deployment of radar -- she did her damnedest to play down the very genuine concerns from our allies (which Tim pointed out came from "13 out of our 19 allies" in NATO). Rice kept hammering the issue of "new threats."

Tim then brought up the scenario of a disappearing surplus -- and defense spending at the expense of our elderly and sick. Rice completely deflected the issue, blathering on and on about testing. Tim: it could cost up to $100 billion. Rice: we don't know that.

Then Bush turned to the drubbing that Oligarch George is taking from the GOP over the closing of Vieques in 2003. Rice said that the Secretary of the Navy claims that effecting training on Vieques is becoming more difficult -- but then indirectly blamed Bill Clinton for wanting the people of Puerto Rico to have a chance to decide the issue. Her conclusion: "The Vieques situation is simply a reality." But Tim would not let her off the hook -- building a case that Bush is using the issue as a political tactic to woo Latinos, "playing politics with national defense."

Ha, ha, ha -- as if there are absolutely no alternatives to Vieques for live-fire training.

And again Rice blamed Clinton -- and cited the Secretary of the Navy. Tim: "So pressure from Latino groups had nothing to do with this." Rice deflected -- then, when confronted again, said it was the Navy's call.

Tim turned to the U.S. spy plane on Hainan being carted out in a cargo plane: "An embarrassment?" Rice talked about aviation missions "to fulfill our national security interests." Tim: But the plane is not going out under its own power! Rice: It doesn't matter.

Tim then slammed the Moron-in-Chief for calling Africa "a nation" -- a stupid gaffe that upset Americans of African descent. Rice tried her best to call the criticism absurd, then recited a laundry list showing how nice George is to blacks.

Horse hockey, Condi -- this was yet another demonstration of how truly stupid, unprepared, and unqualified Cheney's Sock Puppet is.

Tim brought up AIDS in Africa. Rice said "we spend a good deal of money" -- and the rest of the world has to pony up.

It was a dreadful performance by Rice. She looked stiff and uncomfortable, far more than we have seen her with other interviewers. She also carried the air of an over-rehearsed interview subject constantly on the defensive -- even when Tim threw her a softball question.

The next guest: Joe Biden. Tim: "we need missile defense NOW." Biden: people don't want it -- and deterrence works. Biden then lit into Rice, who called the status quo a Cold War relic which, by that logic, means NATO is a relic. Mutually assured destruction WORKS -- and every expert will tell you the architecture of missile defense can go into the TRILLIONS. Throwing out the ABM treaty means a fundamental shift on the part of EVERY nation -- including China, India and soon-to-be-nuke-power Japan!

Tim recalled Kennedy's saying we could put a man on the moon; now Bush is calling for missile defense. Of course, Biden shredded this straw man: did sending a man to the moon destabilize the world? "What's the hurry? Nobody's saying not to do the research." Biden wants specifics, and believes there could be a limited defense in the next decade with an amendment to the ABM treaty -- but Rumsfeld has to stop talking about it as if it were theology, not technology. If Bush wants to guard against an accidental launch, it'll cost half a billion dollars. But isn't it worth trying to develop a system, asked Tim? Sure, said Biden -- but there's been NO budgeting for this system. A more powerful conventional defense force is already going to cost a big chunk of change.

Is Putin trustworthy? Biden quickly and emphatically said, "No." But what most leaders wonder, though, is whether Bush will stay engaged -- and it is important because we are the catalyst to bring Europe, including Putin, coming together. Putin, he said, wants to go easy on our defense issues if we don't make a lot about his authoritarian leadership and crackdowns on the press. Biden then turned his attention to North Korea -- Snippy snubbed them at first, but now we are back in negotiations with them. Biden reiterated that he is concerned that there will be another arms race.

Tim then read favorable comments that Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) made about Judge Tony Soprano... er, Scalia, and mentioned that Scalia was approved by the Senate 98-0. Biden reminded Tim that Scalia's appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee was pure softball -- and Souter is just as smart. So, asked Tim, Dems would oppose Scalia as Chief Justice? And Little George doesn't have the right to pick conservatives? Biden said sure, it's his job to pick -- but it's the Senate Judiciary Committee's job to check, and in the case of a divided government, he will have to pick a moderate.

Will Biden run for the White House in 2004? Biden said he's running for the Senate in 2002.

Biden was loose, relaxed, and verbally shooting from the hip (he made Condi look like an android by comparison). Tim has never been able to push Biden's buttons -- and while his questions were probing, he with a less combative, which resulted in a more relaxed back-and-forth. Tim looked as if he enjoyed the chance to be less on the attack for once.

Tim welcomed Bill "Komrade" Kristol (Russert joking with Bill, who was just back from China) -- Kristol said that Chimp Boy had a successful trip and that he made a good case for missile defense. Huh? Lisa "Guilty until proven innocent" Myers said that the Smirk team angered everyone with their Vieques decision. Tim said it was a "Clinton-made problem," and Gwen Ifill said outright that that's what Condi said -- and that conservatives say "we still support George" but seem to feel cheated. Kristol said Clinton had agreed to the referendum -- then deflected to Idiot Boy getting his tax cut, which he "had to do... in the first six months." Tim said that Dems feel they have the juice to get the Patients' Bill of Rights. Ifill said the next step is how to pay for the bill.

Lisa essentially said the GOP is in a panic in that Rep. Charlie Norwood (R-GA) sold out his party to the Democrats. "Can the president afford to veto a Patients' Bill of Rights?" Kristol praised the Cheney-Card Cadre for being "ruthlessly pragmatic."

Tim implied that an investigation of Karl Rove -- over his Intel strock holdings and access by Intel to the White House -- seems like "payback" for Clinton hearings. Gwen said it's a no-brainer for these people -- divest your stocks where there's an appearance of a conflict! Lisa practically screamed that "it IS payback!" -- but admitted Rove has an appearance problem.

Naturally, there was some gossiping about Rep. Gary Condit's missing intern. Tim HAS to slip his hand down some Democrat's boxers, and Condit is far more convenient than the Big Dog.

Gwen made much of Biden saying he doesn't trust Putin -- and a GOP president saying he does!

We were surprised that there was no "Defeat the Press" minute, given all the talk about missile defense.

It was a pretty jolly show today, with the usual panel of suspects. Our girl Kate O'Beirne was back, blessedly low-key but still packing the bent opinions we've come to depend on.

Bob "Ray of Sunshine" Novak was even more bitchy that usual (if that's possible), and seemed to be enduring a particularly bad rash in a particularly sensitive area. Word is that he was angered by having to step over a homeless person on his way into the studio -- though we don't have confirmation.

We were treated to Count Sunbeam making a fool out of himself with his crabby, knee-jerk, out-of-touch, right wing pronouncements, but it provided a good laugh for the panel and myself. The panel would start laughing at him before he'd even finish, and that would cause him to glare and act like the petulant bully he is -- which is even MORE hilarious.

I was bothered by a twinge of conscience for laughing at someone so clearly mentally impaired -- but only for a split second.

They started with a clip of the Chimp standing there hissing like a snake on all the many "ssss"-es in his speech, and bobbing his head like one of those bouncy-head dolls you see in someone's rear window. Then we got to see our Fearless Cretin sitting with other leaders and pursing his lips like he'd just sucked a lemon. Is this his "serious" look? He looks like an absolute moron.

(Dim Son also said in Russia that he got a gander at Vladimir Putin's "soul." What's next? The Chimp sitting at a table full of candles, wearing a turban, turning over tarot cards and speaking in a Jamaican dialect? "Yah mon, that Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, it want to be drilled, mon. The cards tell eet all. Call now for your personal reading.")

The Prince of Darkness called Bush "eloquent", which set off a round of guffaws, and then went on to predictably bash all "supercilious" Europeans. Novakula then gave Bush a solid A grade on Shrub's Euro trip.

Al Hunt remarked that he wished Bob would be a teacher in his kid's school, because he sure hands out easy grades.

Kate showed promise by saying that Bush would never get an A in public relations -- and then turned tail and blamed that on the U.S. "liberal" press, and, still sticking to the play book, actually found a way to shoehorn in a dig at Bill Clinton, whose ghost apparently still haunts her fevered dreams. She evidently hasn't worked too many steps in her Obsessive Clinton Haters Anonymous program. When you've hit the same note for so long, I guess it's tough to give up.

I hope she recovers soon -- or we'll have to stage an intervention on Snaggle-tooth. It's only the right thing to do.

In an anticipated ugly comment from Kate, she managed to slam the Europeans and Clinton in the same breath. She tried to diminish the fact that Clinton remains adored by Europeans, saying that it was due to the fact he loves meetings (huh?) and that he "dates like a Frenchmen" -- then added, "but they still don't like America."

Now I've been pretty rough on Kate's appearance... but let's face it, folks, her physical ugliness could never compete with her inner ugliness. In about two seconds time, she spouted an ugly stereotype and simultaneously made a loony grab for Clinton's crotch. Still, that's amazing hand-jaw coordination when you think about it!

And she also managed a Grade A ethnic slam by slandering the French with a cheap stereotype while trying to infer that somehow Clinton is a scum "just like Frenchmen" -- and then in the same breath says, "but they still don't like America."

Great Googly Moogly, Kate! The Dick and Dork Misadministration treats Europe like they're second-class world citizens! They see the American right wing trying to bring down a President they properly recognized as great over a stupid dalliance with an intern -- then they hear ignorant and stupid comments such as yours. Yet they "STILL don't like America."

Get a clue, termite breath: YOU are Exhibit A in what they don't like about America. And it's sad you can't even see it!

Mark Shields then laid out the straight dope on the Kyoto Treaty (which most ditto-heads pronounce, KEE-oh-toe or KIE-yoh-toe.) He admitted one could argue against the treaty, but pointed out that the U.S. churns out 25% of the carbon pollution in the world, at which point Evans interrupted by spitting out "We have 25% of the wealth." Shields gamely tried to finish his thought. "...and we have 5% of the population." Novak again spit out, "25% of the wealth!"

This lays bare where The Prince of Darkness and all his brethren are coming from. If you're rich, they seem to fervently believe, you should be able to push around, dump on, and anger anyone else less wealthy, and T.S. if they don't like it.

Shields informed Nocturnal Novak that the point is not that if you're wealthy you can pollute more! But Novakula then whined, "Well, you HAVE to pollute more!!"

Why? Money is a religion. Anything that produces it is unquestioningly good. There are no moral questions around it. If it makes money, then it's good -- and anyone that has any qualms about THAT is a moron and probably the worst sort of Communist.

What a truly dangerous, immoral, and evil philosophy. But that's the philosophy that's guiding our great country even as you read this. It's the Golden Rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. Waddaya think about THAT?

Shields pointed out that all that wealth might allow you to melt the ice caps and raise the ocean levels faster.

Margaret yanked things back into the realm of the sane by pointing out that if Prince George wants to knock Kyoto, then he should at least have some alternative proposal, and, exactly opposite of Balmy Bob's assertion, the more wealthy nations such as the U.S. are precisely the ones that can afford the technology and effort to reduce the rampant output of world affecting toxins and pollutants.

They went to Al Hunt, who was doing a talking head remote thing from wherever he was, and he appeared to be stunned into silence by Igor's ignorance. This cracked me up, as well as the rest of the panel.

But Bob's hemorrhoids flared up some more and he ranted about how poor Ronald Reagan never got much credit for doing what he thinks Bush is doing now and, rising to a crescendo of right wing hooey, ended by saying that now people are saying Reagan wasn't that bad, since he ended the Cold War.

Shields asked sarcastically, "Who ended the Cold War?" and Novocaine slammed his note cards on the desk and sputtered, "Ronald REAGAN ended the Cold War!"

Novak and Shields continued going back and forth throughout the show, prompting Margaret Carlson at one point to ask if they were married. Ha!

When discussing the supposed rift between Clinton and Gore, both Shields and Carlson laughed about the revelation that on their campaign, one of the first things Gore did was take away Clinton's Milky Way candy bars! And Shields concluded that after reading the article that prompted this discussion in Vanity Fair, that Bill and Al could go through a car wash in a convertible and only Al would get wet.

Kate spewed some silly and hateful invective about Al Gore being a phony and how his supposed closeness with Clinton was just another sham. Shields then put her in her place by saying, "They weren't nearly as close as Bush and Quayle, is that what you're telling me?"

The Capital Gang flashback clip showed Margaret, sans glasses, looking like a clone of Mary Tyler Moore. Shields tweaked her about this by saying, "Other than your big hair, what would like to revisit about that clip?" to which she pointed out Novakula's "small hair, and getting smaller." Today's show was a laugh riot!

Here's the Quick and Dirty Outrages of the Week (or Weak-Minded, in Bob and Kate's cases), according to our panelists:

Shields: Human Rights Watch exposed foreign worker abuse in American offices, with some foreign nationals working 14 hour days for $2 an hour. Who's doing it? Foreign diplomats and officials of the World Bank.

Novak: He railed on his obsession, taxes, and said that Europeans are running to the U.S. to escape taxes. The Undertaker is royally pissed that the IRS is proposing a regulation that would close this loophole for super-wealthy Europeans and require them to report interest earned in the U.S. to their home country. Shields' outrage last week had called this sort of tax dodging by Americans unpatriotic. So Bloodless Bob flatly stated that dodging taxes has nothing to do with patriotism. Again, money transcends even loyalty to country. What a dope.

Carlson: She brought up the case of the missing intern. She thinks it's about time for Gary Condit, the California Congreassman that some allege had an affair with the intern, to put the cards on the table.

O'Beirne: Ol' Kato Burn was pissed that anyone would want to stop bombing the crap out of a populated island that is part of the U.S.!

Okay, Kate. How about changing the site to, say, Connecticut instead? Is it just peachy when impoverished brown-skinned folks are being psychologically battered and exposed to fallout from shells tipped with radioactive material?

Hunt: German courts are brushing aside international conventions that stipulate that abducted children be returned to their country of residence. Sen. Jesse Helms has spoken out against this -- but new U.S. Ambassador to Germany (and huge Smirk ally) Dan Coats, one of the "family values" gang, should make this a priority in his term.

I want to take this opportunity to wish each and every father out there a great day -- for all you do for you kids and/or family. And if you're not being the best Dad you could be, then let this be the day you start.

CNN Lame Edition
Wolf props up a deflated Trent Lott -- and deflates him some more!

Wolf Blitzer couldn't conceal the look on his face -- he was noticeably champing at the bit to laugh in the face of Senator Trent Lott (R-NOBODY!) this weekend as he pretended to care what the EX-Majority Leader of the Senate thinks.

Lott said he doesn't know Putin well enough to trust him -- and he doesn't know his wife that well either. The diminished Mississippi fop said, "Perhaps the President was effusive..." That's an understatement.

Lott thinks DumbYuh's trip to Europe (the first such trip in his entire life) was "a Tour de Force!" Ha, ha, ha, ha - right, Trent! He looked completely out of place, like he was about to cry to Mommy, "Please get me out of here!" A tour de force -- that's like saying that Anne Frank had a great time as Auschwitz.

Here's the truth: Bush was so angry -- steaming mad -- at the way he was put down by most citizens of every nation he visited (and he skipped the ones he thought might be REAL trouble), and the wonderful Prime Minister of Sweden, Goran Persson, who basically called him a swine in public.

Lott said he now thinks that Russia could be a member of NATO -- someday. Gee, he used to decry that very notion -- about a month ago.

Lott also defended China for sending back our spy plane in crates. "We send the Russian planes back in crates... the world is changing."

Lott was flying down the halls of the Senate last week screaming like an old lady and putting down the BushBaby for stopping the bombing of the land and the people of Puerto Rico so that our crack (stoned on crack?) pilots can practice bombing, strafing, missile launching, and worse.

Bush said, "Tha Navy oughta conduct it's exercises somewhere else... they are our friends and neighbors... AND THEY DON'T WANT US THERE!" This was perhaps the most wonderful thing BushBaby has said in his life -- except "Honey, I'm givin' up the booze" last year. Even I was proud he was our "resident" -- at least at that moment.

Wolf Man started chiding Lott on being OUT as the leader of the illiterate side of the Senate (as we suppressed a gleeful snicker). Wolf wanted to know if Lott believes Senator Daschle -- our NEW and terrific Senate Majority Leader -- who calls the investigations of Karl "Goebbels" Rove and that new aluminum robot, Paul O'Neill (who assumed the throne as Secretary of the Treasury), for stock manipulation. Naturally, Lott - who never hesitated to pass along any ugly rumor he might have heard about anyone in the Clinton family for his own gain -- called the comments "dismaying" and these were investigations of "personalities."

"Whether WE like it or not, Senator Kennedy is the Chair of the Senate Health, Education, Labor yadda yadda yadda Committee." Ha, ha, ha, ha -- you like it, Lott -- you REALLY like it. Lott, who people in the Capitol Building now suspect is wearing a plaster-of-Paris "wig" which he super-glues to his head, was getting uncomfortable talking about the possibility of real health care protection for all Americans.

Lott began attacking another Senator. The moron spit out like the snake he is, "THE PROBLEM IS THE RIGHT TO SUE [your HMO]."

Well, you stupid little man, when they kill you, when they refuse treatment because some paper-pusher says "no way," when they make a decision that leaves you in the hall of some ER to die, they deserve to be sued -- and for billions!!! Didn't you say recently, "That's what this nation stands for: RESPONSIBILITY!!!!"

Lott, greedy little confederate weasel that he is, has been paid off by every Fortune 5000 company on earth to stop what he calls "trial lawyers... ambulance chasers and charlatans" -- civil lawyers who put people's lives back together after some company or other crushes their dreams. He has no idea -- none whatsoever -- of why tort laws exist, what they entail, and how difficult it is and has been for a family to get an award when they lose a father and husband to a snaky butcher surgeon who worked him over in the operating room of a class C piece-of-garbage hospital out to make certain it delivers sky-high returns to its stockholders -- at ANY cost, and over YOUR dead body.

And what of the people who have NO health care -- all 40 million of them? What will happen to them?

The moronic Mississippi fop then pretended that HE and Bumbling Bush have mollified Senator Lincoln Chaffee -- who is making his late father proud by saying that if the GOP attempts to kill a GOOD Patients' Bill of Rights, he too will leave the Party of Eichmann.

That was all from this miserable little segregationist krypto-Klansman who presides over a state -- Mississippi -- where 84% of all black people are illiterate.

That's his doing -- along with that of all the other pathetic crackers that he counts as "coon huntin' friends."

Morrie Friendly is a political consultant, retired advisor to GOP officials, and golf hustler who lives in the Beltway suburbs.
Dave "Doctor" Gonzo quit his job as a disgruntled entertainment industry executive to become a disgruntled political commentator.
Dash Riprock is a free lance smart-aleck currently based in Moline, IL. He welcomes your kudos, comments, or unbidden personal advice at dashriprockapj@hotmail.com.
Mac MacArthur is a political advisor and marketing strategist who was eyewitness to GOP electioneering in Florida during the Election Theft of 2000. He lives in Georgetown.



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