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Harry Potter and the Frothing Fundies
Book-Burning Muggles Beat on Innocent Fictional Teen -- Just Because They Can!
by Tamara Bakar
(with apologies to J.K. Rowling)
Monday, April 2, 2001 -- SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA -- Sitting in his chair
in the Gryffindor common room, Harry Potter looked up from his copy of
the Muggle UK version of the fourth book of his life story to see, to his
utter amazement, his Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia standing over him,
malicious smiles on their faces and large silver crosses around their necks.
"I'll take that," sneered Uncle Vernon, snatching the book from Harry's
stunned hands. "This will do nicely as a firestarter for the bonfire
we're planning."
Harry was too shocked to take it all in. How did his aunt and uncle get
here? Why were they here? What did it all mean?
Before he could open his mouth or even reach for his wand, Aunt Petunia
slapped heavy adhesive tape over his mouth, while Uncle Vernon pinioned
his arms behind him, fastening them together with leather cuffs. Then
the two of them took Harry up by his armpits, grabbed what looked to be
a book of some sort but which apparently was a Portkey, and vanished.
When they reappeared, it was a strange, dark woodsy area, thronged with
many people, all of whom wore the same silver crosses as the Dursleys.
Many of them had on white hooded robes with red crosses on the front and
back. Burning crosses provided the only illumination around what looked
to be an altar of some sort.
"We've seen the light, Harry," a smug Aunt Petunia cackled. "These
wonderful Pennsylvanians have converted us to their form of worship.
They showed us how to get past the filthy Satanic magic to get you and
bring you here for your cleansing."
On the altar stood a man in a hooded robe similar to the other robes,
except his was red with a white cross. He smiled as he saw the Dursleys
approach with a wildly struggling Harry: He saw the long pole -- the
witch-burning pole -- up on the altar, and he guessed what was planned
for him. Unfortunately, he didn't know the Freezing Charm, so he had no
way to keep the flames froM consuming him.
"Ah, Brother Vernon and Sister Petunia," cried the red-robed man. "I see
you have brought the Evil One Himself and his Book to be destroyed.
Verily, the Lord shall honor you tonight!"
"Thank you, Reverend Duke," responded a smugly proud Vernon Dursley.
"May I bind him to the Post of Cleansing myself? I've dreamed for many
years of this moment."
The red-robed man assented, and Uncle Vernon quickly made Harry fast to
the pole. Then, with a contemptuous sneer, he threw the copy of Goblet
of Fire at Harry's feet. "All is ready, Reverend!"
"Excellent! In the name of the Lord our God, then, let the cleansing
commence!"
Harry's mind was reeling. What could he do? Dazedly, he thought of the
one thing that might work: the Patronus Charm. He was hoping that a
mental shouting of the Charm would work, as his mouth was still sealed
with the tape. He concentrated with all his might on the charm...
Suddenly, a bright light hit the altar. Harry's bonds and tape fell
away. A man in wizardlike white robes stood next to Harry, his hand
protectively on Harry's shoulder, the way Harry had always imagined his
father doing. He looked very much like Professor Dumbledore. His face,
like Dumbledore's, was obviously normally of a kindly cast, but now it
had a terrible look upon it.
The crowd stood stock-still. If the man in white was a comfort to Harry,
he certainly was not to the cross-wearers. They looked like Harry had
looked not long before.
The man in white lifted his hand, then spoke. "As My Son said in Mark
9:40, 'whoever is not against us is for us.' This young boy is not
against Me -- and never was. I cannot say the same for most of you."
He then took Harry by the hand. "Come along, Harry. I'll take you back
to Hogwarts. I'll let these self-alleged 'followers' of Mine figure out
for themselves who it is they truly worship."
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