Sunday, May 28, 2000 -- WASHINGTON -- The pols and A-list guests fled Washington to celebrate Memorial Day.

And that's the good news.  Weekends like this one separate the men from the boys, and once again, right-leaning FOX News Sunday made the remaining pundit blabfests look poor by comparison with quirky guests and thought-provoking chat.

Here's the run-down...

Fox Noise Sunday
Tony's "B" List Holiday Weekend Guests Rock, Dude! 

Tony Snow couldn't resist an opening shot at the Dems by playing footage of anti-soft-money protesters mouthing off at the record-breaking Democrat megabucks fundraiser this week, implying a "divided" Democratic party.

That tactic came as no surprise -- conservatives are fuming that Dems have successfully co-opted their soft money strategy and are mustering the megabucks. Turns out that Clinton's... er, fundraising prowess IS bigger!  "Is it an act of hypocrisy or political realism?"  Ed Rendell, DNC chairman, was the first guest, after Tony flashed some suspect FOX O-Spin-Ion Dynamics poll numbers showing Bush winning against Gore if the election were held today.

We're beginning to wonder who has the more incredulous poll numbers: is it Zogby or FOX?  Guess we'll have to take a poll on it...

Tony asked Ed if Clinton is correct in saying that Gore should stay on the high road and let others attack Bush, and Ed replied that "Noboby wants to see a candidate become an attack dog."

Hey, Ed, we do -- we like a good political street fight!

Mara "Liar-son," who spends her time lending the corporate spin to news over at NPR, asked a question that presumed that Gore is faltering, and Ed said that Gore has been an incredibly effective Veep -- and that given how well things are going in America, people get short memories; all they need is remember May 28, 1992 to see a dramatic difference in America, one for the better.  "All this hubbub makes me smile... Clinton was running third at this time eight years ago."  Mara said Bush is "driving" the debate (hey Mara, he's also driving voters, slowly but surely, to Gore with his gimquackery, evasiveness, and that nausea-inducing smirk).  Ed acknowledged that Gore is not a "fresh" face, but has better ideas as opposed to Bush's "DOA" health care plan -- "no one analyzed this except the New York Times... you are gicing Bush a free ride!"

Bravo, Ed -- but you should have been even more assertive on this point.  FOX seems desperate to help the Bush dynasty.

Jeff Birnbaum, the usual substitute when Brit "Fume" is away, asked a question about soft money.  Ed was critical of unlimited and unaccountable money for attack ads -- and said that the GOP violated their own principles and promises in this regard.  When Birnbaum brought up the dreaded NARAL and Sierra Club, Ed pointed out that the two organizations have been around for decades, as opposed to "Republicans for Clean Air," the bohus "public policy organization masterminded by the Wiley Brothers.

Fred "The Weasel" Barnes asked if Ralph Nader is a bigger threat to Gore than Buchanan is to Bush.  We're surprised Ed didn't laugh in Fred's pudgy, horn-rimmed face -- even hardcore liberals and activists know Nader's best days are long over -- that is, if they don't think he's an outright crook.

Ed did let it be known that in his opinion Bush would fold to the Religious Reich and not choose a pro-choice running mate.  It's about time someone said it, Ed -- now get Team Gore to start pushing that point.  For that matter, get Gore to fire his team of losers!

Tony asked about Governor Jesse Ventura's assertion that he could win the Presidency if he got in at the 11th hour.  Rendell had us laughing when he said that Ventura "took too many hits in the ring!"

As happens on holiday weekends, most of the political "A" list were not available for the Sunday shows.  Give credit to FOX -- they may be as "fair and balanced" as Strom Thurmond, but at least they invite interesting guests.  Case in point: Tony's interview with controversial Episcopal Bishop John Shelby Spong, who criticized the Tenth Commandment for making a wife property, and demonstrated that the Seventh Commandment essentially endorses polygamy!  Our staff loved that -- Dave "Doctor" Gonzo shouted, "Why didn't someone tell me sooner?"

Fred Barnes, predictably, asked if Clinton sinned in his conduct with Monica -- which led to a long discussion of the morality of sex.  Fred said that homosexuality is "condemned" in the Old and New Testaments, and "as a Christian" how should he handle the issue; Spong slammed him, but gently, calling it a "strange way to read the Bible" -- then pointed out that the Bible "condemns" Galileo and endorses slavery.

Spong reiterated views that have gotten him in such trouble with evangelo-literalists -- especially his opinion concerning the "meaning" of Jesus' divinity.  He then said that Paul was wrong on slavery, essentially endorsing it -- and that Paul was writing much of his Biblical writing out of anger.  Spong also reviewed the case that Paul's writing shows him to be a Jew so guilty about his homosexuality that he fought it angrily -- but finally came to the realization that God loved him anyway.

Spong also slammed "the church" for supporting slavery and the divine right of kings.  Fred asserted that more "liberal" churches are shrinking, and evangelic conservative churches are on the rise.  Spong blasted the right-wing churches for their "easy answers" to big moral issues -- and liberal denominations for "boring" their members.  He also challenged fundamentalist churches to submit their theories about homosexuality to the light of the scientific method.

Spong then made more waves by bringing into question the "virgin birth" -- as more a metaphor than a reality.

Following the break, Tony welcomed that well-known "politician" Lars Ulrich.  He's the bass player for the virtuoso speed-metal band Metallica, who are in a legal war with napster.com and other sites that utilize the mp3 file format.

Metallica and their friends in the record industry claim that these sites promote piracy of their intellectual property.

Well, too darn bad, we say.  Metallica and every other major artists shouldn't blame the web sites and the end users.  They should blame their label conglomerates for their shortsighted view of the Internet and their failure to prepare for the new business paradigm -- primarily because their almighty distribution divisions are so in bed with "brick and mortar" stores they were too scared to rock the boat.

Ulrich LIED when he said that an mp3 file is a "perfect" clone of the CD version.  Here's the truth: mp3 is a compressed file format, and in a double-blind test one of our writers took part in, he was able to hear a difference almost 100% of the time between a "red book" standard CD and the .mp3 version.

That's right -- mp3 is NOT "perfect," despite Ulrich's repeated assertions.

Tony asked how Metallica was able to learn the identities of "300,000" people who were trading their thrash anthems over the Internet.  We're sure all of these people will be pleased to see how easy it is for someone to gather identifying information about them via the Internet.  Ulrich claimed that "those numbers are reeeeal, those numbers are biiiiig."

But a source in the music industry we know says that there are a HUGE number of duplicate names and multiple logins belonging to the same people -- making this another LIE by Metallica.

Tony said that the RIAA (a record label lobbying group) claims that mp3 is taking money out of artists' pockets.  Take our word for it -- the LAST thing labels care about is making sure that their artists get more money -- they look for EVERY way to make and keep as much money for themselves.

Lars slammed the heylars.com web site (a site that lights into Metallica) as a the product of a person "with too much time on their hands... a waste-of-time web site" -- when in fact Lars Ulrich and his manager have been wasting their time on this ridiculous publicity stunt.  Their time would be better spent by auditing their label's books, especially those of their distribution division that pisses millions down the toilet on so-called promotional spending that is actually a front for "entertainment" expenses by record executives.  It's been going on for three decades -- and artists foot the bill.  We guarantee that label spending is costing Metallica more than all the napster.com-type sites in existence. 

Panel time -- everyone assailed soft money, but only because the Democrats are now more effective at it than the GOP.  Fred Barnes now wants ALL contributions reported.  Jeff B wants to ban lobbyists from contributing; Mara wants to "monitor" contact between contributors and politicians.

Welcome to the new police state, where taxpayers exercising their right to contribute to the candidate of their choice invite intrusion that would make a proctologist blush.

Tony then slammed Robin Williams for using foul language at the Democrat fundraiser -- in front of kids.  Fred said it tars the Dems as the "permissive party."  We say it was stupid of Robin Williams to bring his PG-13 act to a Democrat event, especially with C-SPAN cameras running.

Awright! Tony has powered up the "Spinterpreter" for the first time in over a year!  He ran footage of Joe Anderw through the powerful device, and here's what Andrew really said:

Andrew: "We don't care about the size of your wallet..."
SPINTERPRETER: "Shoe me the money!"
Andrew: "We care about where your heart will be tomorrow..."
SPINTERPRETER: "Shoooow meeee the moneyyyy!!!!!" 

Hey, Tony -- save Rupert some money -- fire Fred and let the Spinterpreter do his work!

Disbarment woes! Fred and Jeff piled on, claiming that Clinton lied -- but will get off.  First, Fred and Jeff, Clinton answered the question accurately --with the agreed-upon definition of sex.  And the Jones lawyers did not follow up -- on purpose, we believe, to present the appearance that Clinton was "lying."  We say Clinton won't be disbarred -- but Donovan Campbell and his team might well face sanctions of their own within the next couple years concerning what they knew about, and who they associated with during, the Jones case.   This story is, as Clinton has been saying, not over by a long shot.

Fred cited the unreliable Zogby poll showing Lazio ahead of Hillary. Our own in-house poll shows Hillary comfortably ahead of Lazio.

Tony's final word -- pollsters' prediction that Gore will win.  Tony said that math is better on lifeless things -- even if Gore is a little stiff.  Tony made sure to mention the "Buddhist temple," but somehow left Reverend Moon out of his parting thoughts.

The McLaugh-In Group
John McLaugh-In, Superpundit, bellows his way through another waste of hot air

Issue one: Like a rhinestone cowboy -- it's Bill Clinton, Superstar!!  He's their rainmaker, said John, drawing 12,000 attendees to a fundraiser and raising $26 million.  John contrasted that with the POLITICAL decision by a group of Clinton-hating judges to disbar Clinton.  John cited Judge Wright's ruling -- a ruling which the press and pundits refuse to tell YOU has been criticized for its provocative language and appearance of political intent.

Larry Kudlow was impressed by Bill's rainmaking; Eleanor said that post-Watergate rules are being avoided, and Clinton was doing what everyone was doing -- in fact, the fundraiser was cleaner than most.  Tony seemed upset that the event was a "blue jeans" casual fete.  He then launched a diatribe against big government, and Larry O'Donnell said that the GOP raises megabucks to keep government out of their hair.  Tony ridiculed Eleanor's assertion that politicians spend half their time raising money -- but we can tell you some do.  Kudlow thinks Clinton would make a terrific economist, and Clinton would make a good Fed chairman because he knows that low unemployment does NOT lead to inflation.  Tony had to bring up the$90,000 "fine" (it's a SETTLEMENT) Clinton paid the Jones lawyers, and Eleanor said that the 8 of the 14 members of the Arkansas court recused themselves.

On a 1-10 scale, will Clinton be disbarred?
Kudlow: 10
Eleanor: 1.5
Tony: 10
O'Donnell: 10
John: 10

Our "panel" predicts these McLaugh-In loonies will eat crow once the shenanigans and politics of some of these Clinton-hating judges that "unanimously" called for his disbarment comes to light.

Issue two: the China Syndrome!  PNTR for China was the focus, as John said that both presumptive presidential candidates had their wish fulfilled in the House -- and the debate "made strange bedfellows," with labor and isolationists versus Clinton and House GOPers.  How big a win is it for Clinton?  O'Donnell called it huge.  How big a win for China?  Kudlow called it big, playing into the hands of reformers in a modern China where there are more shareholders than Communist party members.  Kudlow also said that the Internet will open China -- and we say he's right, but it won't happen overnight.  Eleanor said that China would have gotten into the WTO with or without the US, but it bolsters the relations between the US and China and is a boon to big business.  Kudlow said that the vote and PNTR hurts Gore by driving a wedge between him and labor -- but we say he's wrong; labor will not get behind Nader when they realize he has no chance.  O'Donnell and Kudlow both argued that free trade makes for a better world -- John said it makes for a better cosmos.  we say John is showing his "space cowboy" colors! 

Issue Three -- New York's Giant Killer -- Rick Lazio.  We were rolling on the floor laughing -- the only "giant" lazio killed was Rudy.  John cited the same claim of a Rick-Hillary "dead heat" before he ran down Lazio's less-than-impressive resume.  John spun Lazio as a centerist touting himself as a "compassionate Republican" -- but the truth is that his voting record pegs him as a Gingrich GOPer.  Eleanor said Hillary's honeymoon is over -- and Lazio did in 72 hours what Rudy couldn't in 6 months.  O'Donnell expressed amazement at the exposure that Lazio got in the first week of his entry into the race -- as if the press was being fair in its coverage.

The fact -- Lazio got a bigger free ride than McCain.  

John said that Lazio is no substitute for Rudy Giuliani.  We say he is -- a big loser in the making, and easier meat for Hillary come November.

Final assertions!!
Kudlow called a Bush presidency likely and, in a real stretch (not), said Colin Powell will " certainly" be his secretary of state.
Eleanor predicted Congress will pass " a wide array of tax incentives to invest in poor communities" because Clinton and Hastert get along so well.
Tony predicted that by Independence Day, at least one senior member of the Gore team will be out.
O'Donnell said that at least 20 Democratic Senators will demand specifics from Bush on his social security proposals in a letter.
John predicted that low-income women with breast and cervical cancer will get coverage through Medicaid " thanks to legislation introduced in the House by Representative Rick Lazio, New York Senate candidate."  

Reliable Sources
Disbar Rich Lowry

Topic one of Reliable Sources -- a panel in Arkansas recommends Clinton be disbarred.  The guests included Joe Conason, who pointed out that the "celebrity" factor surrounding Clinton makes him a far bigger target for reporting -- included slanted coverage.  Jodi Allen blamed Clinton for "creating" the "scandals" -- she seems oblivious to the pattern and practice of Clinton's enemies to set him up, and the fact that most of the "scandals" were based on lies (remember Whitewater, hon?).  Conason suggested that the personal lives of high-profile press members may well become the subject of news stories in the future.

Okay, Joe -- 'fess up: is there something you know about someone?

Howard Kurtz himself fell victim to one GOP fax-blast assumption when, in  a question to right-wing columnist Rich Lowry, that Judge Wright found Clinton "guilty" of lying during the Jones deposition.  Wrong, Howie -- and letting a boner like that slip on a program that supposedly scrutinizes the media is just plain sloppy.

Is the press being "impeached" in the minds of Americans, asked Bernie Kalb?  Lowry claimed that Rudy would have run against the press. Yeah, right -- and he would have lost to Hillary, not the press.  Conason mentioned the usually pro-Rudy New York Post running thirteen pages on l'affaire Giuliani and his new tootsie Judi Nathan.  Lowry made an excuse for little coverage of Newt Gingrich's affair with french-horn-playing congressional aide Callista Bisek, saying that Newt was no longer in office.  What crap -- Newt is still a key fundraising player in the GOP and his sanctimonious appearances at fundraisers and on FOX News make him a legitimate subject of journalism; the press swept his egregious conduct, including evidence that he was paying for call girls on his Congressional "PoonTang Express" card, under the rug.

We relished a moment as Conason corrected Lowry's spin on Rudy somehow falling victim to the press over his sex life because he shut down Times Square smut shops. Conason pointed out Rudy's stand in favor of posting the Ten Commandments in school -- including that admonition against adultery.

It was sort of unfair -- Lowry shows some flashes of intelligence but also lets some of the most doltish spin imaginable fly from his lips.  Conason is just too sharp and subtle to let such goofiness pass without a cutting comment.

After the break, Conason pointed out that the private lives of public figures is tabloid fodder and unless there is a link to serious news, politics or issues, tabloid gossip is best kept to tabloids.  A little later Conason returned to the point that journalists who made hay of Clinton's private life would likely not want their private life exposed to similar scrutiny.

Hmmm....