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April 9, 2000 -- WASHINGTON -- The Sunday talk shows became an extension of America's favorite soap opera this weekend: the trials and travails of little Elian Gonzalez. "When we last saw our little hero Elian, he was still in the clutches of his uncle Lazaro. Meanwhile, his father Juan Miguel had met privately with Janet as the two fishermen who saved the boy try to intercede for the uncle..."
Little attention was paid to the current budget battles on Capitol Hill; it's also noteworthy that Dan Burton's oh-so-pressing investigation into White House emails (read: oh-so-laughable attempt to turn a common computer glitch into another fake scandal) did not even turn up on the radar.
Here's what was talked about...
Fox Noise Sunday
Should Elian be sold into white slavery?
Tony opened Rupert Murdoch News Sunday by hyping the Elian story, as the front-page headline from yesterday's Rupert Murdoch New York Post -- in 1,000-point type -- was plastered on the screen.
Talk about media synergy!
Tony spent the first twenty minutes on the Elian story, speaking first with INS general counsel Bo Cooper. Tony naturally raised the possibility of a violent conflict between the government and Elian's American thug relatives (something the cable news outlets would pounce on and play ad to prove the "lawlessness' of Janet Reno), and Brit "Fume" ominously implied that there is no law that requires the US to turn Elian over to his dad (he is wrong, as usual). Hume actually claimed that the DOJ was using "inappropriate" means, and Tony implied that DOJ switched positions --- and Cooper said that INS placing a kid in someone's care does not legally give them custody. Hume claimed that Elian's dad "made no effort" to contact the fishermen, and said it was "peculiar," and pulled the old rhetorical "if this were your son, would you not feel gratitude?" Cooper ignored Hume's implication concerning the fishermen -- who are being used by right-wing Miami Cubans as pawns -- and slammed Hume, saying if it were his son, he'd want him back. Hume looked pissed.
Face it, Brit, you're a huffing, spouting idiot -- you act as if Castro AND the pro-Batistaites in Miami are not the ones who are actually calling the shots in this debacle.
Tony and Hume then bored us with Jose Garcia Pedrosa, a lawyer for Elian's American relatives, and Rep. Lincoln Diaz-Balart (R-FL). We went to the Ampol kitchen for more coffee -- but did overhear Diaz-Balart lie as he said nobody in the Cuban-American community has threatened violence against the US government, and that the Clinton Administration and the Castro Regime conspired to intimidate Elian's dad!
Heck -- Dan Burton should put this stooge for "scandal" on his Government "Reform" Committee!
The next guest: horndog House Majority Leader Rep. Dick Armey (R-coeds). After a boring question or two about Elian (Armey predicted it would be dragged out -- what a stretch!), Tony asked about the President "laying into you [Congress]" on a lack of movement on various initiatives. But the big question was trade with China. Armey assailed a "minority of violent protesters" at the WTO Seattle conference -- but we can tell you that these violent extremists were anarchist stooges that have little interest in trade and no love for brick-and-mortar retailers, a fact Armey ignores. Armey even claimed that Dick Bonior is trying to incite riots! On this point Armey was lying -- pure and simple. Armey talked about "the fact of the matter," but he lied by omitting facts.
Armey then did his anti-tax song and dance -- and Tony asked about Bush's campaign. Armey said Bush is replenishing his war chest and that the "issue which weighs most heavily on the American people [is] education."
Then why aren't you talking about it? Why are you talking tax cuts and Elian?
Armey predicted that Rep. David Bonior (D-MI) would be defeated in November and that Republicans will gain seats this year -- as our entire media room erupted in laughter! We predict that Armey will not even keep his power position as minority leader in the 107th Congress.
Bonior was next. Will he be unseated? Bonior grinned slyly and said, "I hope not" (translation: "Armey's a jerk.") -- and then predicted a good chance of a Dem majority in the next Congress. On China trade, Bonior called for free unions and freedom of religion in China -- and that we should oppose normalized trade unless they embrace "those values that made our country great."
But Dave, they already have graft, corruption, slavery and robber barons! Those "values" seem good enough for Northrop-Grumman, Hughes and other vendors that do business with China!
Bonior then blew Armey's silly assertions on the Seattle WTO riot, said that union workers, environmentalists, and church people opposed the violence in Seattle -- and that anarchists were behind the vandalism. He also saluted the President for speaking out about human rights and the environment, but was critical of the handling of the present issue of trade with China. He called on China to ease crackdowns on people supporting freedom of religion and unionization -- and called on WTO to give labor a seat at their table.
Are there enough votes to prevent normalized trade relations with China? Bonior said it will be close -- which we interpret as a resounding no. On late-term abortions, Bonior said that he voted for the health exceptions.
Should Elian stay or go? Puh-leeeeeze, Tony -- stop milking it! Bonior said Elian should be with his dad.
Panel time! Mara Liasson and Juan Williams joined Tony and Brit to talk and examine poll numbers about Elian. We thought it would be boring -- but it served to show the panelists' hidden agendas. Hume used the topic to slam Reno, implying that she has done nothing about hearing the father's "free will." C'mon, Brit -- Castro's on his last legs, Juan Miguel will have his free will soon enough. Mara assumed that the public is not hearing Juan Miguel's true feelings -- until Juan Williams exposed either her lack of command of the facts or her outright lie and said that Juan Miguel met alone, without Cuban handlers, with American officials. Mara predicted that Elian would be paraded around Havana as a human rights hero -- but Juan said that parental rights are the big issue here. Hume tried stupidly to deflect with the issue of Reno calling the plays, then insulted Reno with a cheap shot, saying "she's not the brightest bulb on the circuit." Hume said something equally slimy about "the possibility of another Waco."
Tony looked as if he was grimacing over the nattering among Brit, Mara and Juan -- it looked like he wanted to talk about anything but Elian. Was Tony showing a hint of "Keith Olbermann" syndrome? Keith was the outstanding host of MSNBC's only decent program The Big Show -- until he quit, reportedly over the excessive coverage of the Monica Lewinsky flap being forced upon him by the cable news outlet. Olbermann made no attempt to conceal his discomfort not over not only the story but the absurd spin coming from the anti-Clintonites.
We feel your pain, Tony!
Talk turned to Bill Gates and the court decision against Microsoft -- there was inconsequential talk from Mara about Gates contributing to the GOP followed by the idea of whether "Microsoft hurt me."
This writer estimates that OS failures cost him at least 100 hours of lost productivity in the last year -- including the need to reinstall the OS from scratch twice due to the OS's instability.
Tony then asked if the Leonardo diCaprio interview with the President should be televised -- a low blow aimed at ABC, who had decided to let diCaprio interview the President as part of their Earth Day coverage. And Tony Snow took a very humorous shot at the mystery behind the ABC debacle -- even we laughed at Tony's comment that it's the only existing footage of Bill with a 25-year-old. Who, he asked, is sabotaging ABC News?
We'll tell you, Tony -- it was Clinton and his staff, who let diCaprio basically do as he wanted in order to embarrass ABC -- the network that still tolerates the lies and spin that Sam Donaldson, Cokie Roberts and George Will dish out week after week.
Good for Bill, we say!
The McLaugh-In Group
John Race-Baits Hispanic Americans as President Clinton "Salutes" the Group
Issue one: The banana republic of Miami! John race-baited the Elian Gonzalez story, painting Miami Hispanics, especially Cuban-Americans, as crooks, dissidents, "miscreants," protesters (shades of 1968 Chicago), and targeted most of his bile at Miami Mayor Joe Carollo.
Barone was back -- and said Elian's dad should be freed of his Cuban "secret police goons" as he said that the Cuban community in Miami is corrupt. Eleanor Clift pointed out that Elian's dad left with his family and met with Reno without Cuban handlers. She then said that the Clinton Administration and Reno needs to tighten the screws and reunite Elian and his dad. Tony Blankley cited the latest spin point from Miami Cubans -- that Cubans cannot be good parents and good communists. Jim Warren said that the events of the week show a "deranged" community apart from the mainstream, and Barone attacked Jim for st9icking up for the Commies. There was shouting, and we heard Barone spout the other big Batiata-lover spin point: "in Cuba, the state owns the children!"
What a waste of time -- other than showing that John, Barone and Tony just hate those commies -- but seem oblivious to what is surely the impending end of the reign of Castro, who is showing signs of instability and even dementia.
Probability of violence in reuniting Elian as his dad?
Barone: slammed Reno
Eleanor: 0.5
Tony: slammed "Janet 'Waco' Reno." 1
Jim: 2 -- there'll be a problem at the airport
John: 0.5
John then played footage of Clinton cracking a joke about the McLaughlin Group, "saluting" them for their lunatic antics. The whole group rose "with honor" -- as Jim Warren wagged his finger, saying they "never had sex with that woman."
No surprise there -- the guys are all ugly as sin! A little jealous there, Jim?
Issue two: the census -- and calls by some not to fill out the form because it's an invasion of privacy! John slammed the "nosy" questions about physical or mental conditions -- God forbid that his long form, undoubtedly proof that he has gone insane and now believes he is Saint Jerome, should somehow be leaked to the press! "What mischief can the government do?" Eleanor said that the mischief was coming from Trent Lott, encouraging people to disobey the law -- and then John said that the mischief was being done by the Census Bureau in the health question on behalf of Gore so universal health care would be enacted!
Our media room was howling! Once again Mad Pope John gets the Pundit Laugh of the Week! We've heard more convincing conspira-wacko scenarios from Dan Burton! Even Tony called the anti-census blather totally paranoid! Barone said there are legitimate reasons to get this information under the commerce clause -- and that Republicans were being foolish! John scoffed when Eleanor said that the Census Bureau is one of the purest agencies in Washington.
Issue three: a Boston elevated highway project, the "Big Dig," that skyrocketed from 2.6 billion in the 1980s to $12 billion so far. John politicized the issue with comments by Transportation Secretary Slater, some inconsequential congressman, and Massachusetts Governor Paul Cellucci. John tried to tie the issue to the onerous gas tax. Tony said he was glad to see a highway project getting to completion; Eleanor pointed out the cap on federal aid, and predicted GOPer Cellucci will have to raise state taxes. John went completely wacko, saying that the CD should get the money to prevent the Ebola virus!
Final prediction: will Microsoft be broken up?
Barone: no
Eleanor: yes
Tony: no
Jim: no
John: no
Russert/Meet the De-Pressed
Russert kisses Noonan's but, gets his kicked by Conason!
We saw Tim's "other show" last night (on CNBC), and just had to puke when we saw that the proud Catholic-boy-turned-Neoamerican-Nazi had the gall to play host to loser ex-Reagan speech writer "Piggy" Noonan. she must believe she's a middle-aged "cover pundit" and generally tries to cover her viciousness and stupidity by flirting with any man -- or woman -- who's hosting her for laughs.
Noonan, who has been appointed by the not-so-vast right wing conspiracy, spent a half hour putting down Hillary Clinton, calling her a thief, liar, crook, sexual deal maker with Bill Clinton, and all around putzette.
After that, Russert introduced Joe Conason and gave him a chance to push his outstanding book about the ten-year-long attack on the Clintons.
Of course, Russert challenged every statement Joe made that Russert didn't like. But Conason managed to embarrass the hapless Russert.
It was clear that Russert was squeamish about Joe's comments concerning the press's cooperation with the GOP. Russert was afraid to ask Joe if he was talking about him -- but of course Joe was. What viewers saw was another bullshit attempt by Russert to look "balanced." He agreed with everything that Noonan said, but was either bemused or standoffish to every single thing Conason said.
By the way, Joe, don't be so quick to say the president "hung himself" so you can sell the book to Republicans, too. You know better, and to put your little attacks on the Clintons in the book to make it sell better was something we were uncomfortable with. The President did not lie to the courts, and his private sex life with one of Washington's hooker aides is none of anyone's business. Got it?
Don't get us wrong, though -- your book is the only one we've seen that makes any attempt to explain the political train wreck that was the 1990s in Washington and Little Rock.
Now, on to Meet the Depressed!
"For 137 days Elian Gonzalez has lived in Miami!" That's how the moron began the show -- as if this was more than a drop-of-pee-on-the-toilet-seat story. His first guest: Eric Holder from Justice. Timmy asked him if Elian is getting the boot this week. Holder said he hopes so -- AND SO DO WE!
Come on, America! Who gives a damn about this kid -- for that matter, why don't we kick out the rest of the Cuban-American expatriates in Miami while we're at it? They want a free Cuba? Send 'em back and let them deal with Castro, who is showing signs of dementia already.
Holder said he would have to "think" about taking the little brat by force if the "familia" wouldn't release him to the INS. Remember, Elian now lives in a Miami shack under a runway at Miami International Airport. Russert baited Holder ceaselessly, trying to get Holder to admit he would shoot the family if they didn't give up Elian. Greg Craig, the President's counsel and the lawyer representing Elian's dad, played a good role, but you can see he didn't care and wishes he wasn't involved. Linda Osberg, an ugly blonde loser lawyer, accused DOJ of NOT providing a psychiatrist for "Little" Elian and the entire family of fools in Miami so they won't be "traumatized for life" because they took care of the kid -- while making television hay for themselves and this stupid lawyer!!!!
Don't make us laugh, Osberg!
Holder accused Osberg of using inflammatory language in her demand that Juan Gonzalez fly to Florida, and -- get this! -- spend months with the family so that Little Elian can make the "transition" more easily.
Craig wisely said that Little E. should not be "transferred" to his father in Miami.
We agree. We could just see the hate mongering cane-huskers killing the kid in one of their planned "riots" to prove that the have the entire city of Miami in their sugar-stained teeth.
Juan Miguel, the father, just wants his son back. Holder said Osberg was a liar and that Little E. needs to get back to his Dad. Well, of course, Eric!
By the way, if you really want to hurl, this so-called "attorney" for Elian has no legal right or ethical right to speak for Elian Gonzalez. She is breaking every rule and law that regulates shark lawyers and the only reason she's involved is to renovate her loser reputation in the greater Miami region -- as well as pick up a few Batistoids who want to be on TV.
This entire issue is a joke -- yet Russert, like the buffoon that he is, plays it up as if it's the most pivotal story in America. Craig is being paid by the United Methodist Church from contributions made by people who really care about this kid.
Listen to Russert and laugh. He actually asked Holder whether he really, really, really wants to send Little E. back to a nation where people don't have access to the Internet!
Look at the bright side -- at least little Elian will not be exposed to Meet the Press!
Russert then said something about freedom of the press in Cuba. Well, we know a lot of people in Cuba, and a lot of Republicans who have served there. There is freedom of the press in Cuba, but when you insult Castro, you take a chance. So what? Do you believe that NBC and Russert are free to say anything they want? Do you think the freedom that Russert might have had is not jacked around by executives at General Electric who pay Russert far too much to make big stories out of non-stories?
You betcha.
Remember, when these freaks show the horror of the "Commies" by exhibiting clips of the tanks in Tiananmen Square, think about the National Guard murdering kids at Kent State.
Then ask yourself whether it's just so goddamn bad to grow up in Cuba.
Linda Osberg, the lying lawyer, said that Elian is "the property" of the Cuban government by law. We've heard this laughable "punch line" before, but the truth is that this is a bastardization of that law and a convenient misinterpretation of the language to fit Osberg's lies. Osberg then said that the father's words can be challenged and that Little Elian's voice must be heard. Osberg said that Castro CONTROLS what Daddy Elian said. Ha, ha! It's the Stepford Cubans!
The truth is that if Cuba was so bad, Juan Miguel would stay in the USA and forget about his stupid family and the RUMOR that Castro would torture them endlessly because Juan didn't come back. The fact is that Castro has already got his yocks from this matter and couldn't care less about Juan Miguel and Little Elian. Castro is just having a good time before he croaks. By the way, you should ask tens of thousands of Europeans and Asians and even Americans who vacation and roam freely in Cuba every day. Our country has become Commie crazed again -- thanks to the idiot Republican Party, which is looking for a new enemy since Russia went free market. Hey! There are a few Communist nations left. One of them is tiny Cuba, which is bankrupt. The other -- China - is moving toward becoming a money machine and is perhaps five years away from holding free elections along the lines of the Hong Kong experiment.
So hey, morons, enough is enough! Stop whoring for McDonnell Douglas and all the other Pentagon cheaters who want to build yet another $900 billion in weapons that sit and rot and get used against tiny nations like Iraq or whoever pisses us off at the moment. 'Fess up. You GOP are a bunch of whores for the "military industrial complex" of old -- who want to come back. They probably killed Jack Kennedy for not wanting to play along in Vietnam and they killed LBJ's spirit and ripped his heart out by forcing him to do just that.
Wasn't that enough for the next 200 years!? We think so.
Russert then welcomed the only guy in the Cuban National Assembly who can speak broken English. The Cuban legislator said that Daddy Elian can stay in the US as long as he wants. He reminds the foolish Russert that Daddy Elian that Juan Daddy could defect at any time without any interference from Cuba.
Then Tim -- letting his "inner moron" show yet again -- parroted the idiot Cubans who loved Batista, the Hitler of the Caribbean, saying that Juan leaves some family in Cuba and he "knows" that they will be tortured if Daddy Elian did defect.
Russert the moron then showed what he called "an official US document" which criticized the Cuban government -- but the sad thing was that most of the things that the State Department said about Cuba are also true in the US to some extent.
The Cuban said a very interesting thing: "Hey, if the US is such a free country, why doesn't the United States State Department allow Americans to travel to Cuba to see for themselves that everything they (and you) say is a lie?"
Russert had NO ANSWER. He looked dumfounded -- as he usually does when confronted by truth.
So he simply moved on to another stupid question to cover his idiocy. A fifth grader could have done better. He then said, "What do you say to people who accuse Cuba of being the only Communist dictatorship in the hemisphere in this hemisphere?" Huh? The Cuban representative said "We are not in the business of exporting our form of government (you idiot!)."
Hey Tim, guess what? The United States is the only government in the world that continues to back elections that are really frauds and pretends to be a DEMOCRACY when it is in fact a REPUBLIC and hides the TRUTH -- good or bad, we're not sure -- THAT BUSINESS CONTROLS THE POLICIES OF THE NATION.
We think that may be better than having the morons elected to office control things --- but then, that's our opinion.
These morons, by the way, are the very people that Tim plays golf with, has over for dinner, and pretends to interview when even he knows they are largely phonies, frauds and failed lawyers or crooks that ran for office because they couldn't get another job.
Russert then brought our Democrat and stud Senator Bob "The Torch" Torricelli, who argued the sensible and intellectual argument on the Democrat side. He also welcomed top Georgetown Prep graduate Senator Chris Dodd. Dodd told Russert that the relationship between the US and Cuba is weird. The Torch said he thinks that the Cuban embargo is a good thing, and that it's okay that we demand free speech and free elections in Cuba -- but that these demands are okay for little nations like Cuba, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
Of course, the truth is that our State Department simply uses this as an excuse to keep the crazy Cubanos in Miami and New Jersey happy -- and get their votes.
Chris Dodd, who is not as slick as The Torch, was correct in this Democrat to Democrat mini-debate. Dodd said he thinks we should open relations with Cuba and let Americans travel there and infect Cubans with freedom. This is sort of a stealth idea that has potential. Dodd said he wants to know why Americans can travel to any nation on earth including Libya, Iran, Iraq, and so on, but not to a bankrupt nation like Cuba.
But the truth is that Americans travel to Cuba all the time. There is no law against it. The law is only that our airlines cannot fly to Cuba. You can get a charter flight any time. You can travel there from Mexico and Canada. You can then fly home.
Dodd said he wants to know why it is in the US interest to deny export of food and medicine to the Cuban people.
We want to know that, too. What's this bull about worrying about the status of the little punk Elian and not the million of kids in Cuba who have no medical care?
The Torch claimed that the Cuban Americans send "billions" in food and medicine to Cuba. Well, so what? That has nothing to do with US national policy.
Cuban dissidents -- by the thousands -- chose to stay and fight the Castro government while the cowards in Miami fled because they were weak, or rich, or criminals. We have no respect for these Cubans or (on this issue) for Torricelli, because he is nothing but a whore for the large voting population of Cuban-Americans in New Jersey, his home state.
The Torch said that at least the Elian story is coming to an end. Ha, ha, ha, ha -- we do agree there! He added that the Elian story is a Greek tragedy in the making.
But watch for stories coming out soon that claim that the entire Elian story is lie and a set up. We have spoken to a few reputable reporters who tell us that Elian and his mother arrived in the US eight months ago. The mother and some Cuban-American operatives got together and she was urged NOT to apply for asylum and instead put Elian on an inner tube a hundred yards from shore, drug him a little, and have him MAGICALLY found by a couple of other Cuban Americans.
Isn't that interesting?
Was this entire matter a scam to draw publicity to the growing crisis between thug Cubans in Miami, who now control a major American city, and Castro's Cuba? Only one person had to be in on it -- the mother. Is she alive? Why does Elian say he never saw her drown? What was he doing in the storm? Sleeping?
Stranger things have happened.
That was it for Russert.
Face the Nation
We caught a little of Bob Schieffer's chat with Trent Lott on Elian Gonzalez. Naturally, Lott, who loathes Janet Reno, falsely claimed that the situation is a matter for the Florida family court, but that he and his brethren are taking a "wait and see" attitude.
In other words, he's seen the poll numbers and knows that fighting the Clinton Administration position is a losing proposition -- but can't pass up an opportunity to implicitly slam the administration. Lott said he's working with Sen. Mack, and when Bob and Gloria Borger asked if Gore had offered any help, Lott slammed Gore for having never called.
Well, Trent, maybe that's because he knows you're a CCC-loving, racist-coddling Neo-Nazi who knows it would do no good. We don't plan on calling you either, except for advice on spray starch -- are you using it on your shirt and your hair?.
Schieffer brought up reports coming from Elian's American relatives that claim his dad beat Elian -- and Lott called for investigation. But anyone who has been through a messy custody battle will tell you that some families will lie and even commit perjury about nonexistent beatings, sexual molestation and moral issues to win custody of a kid.
Talk turned to oil -- and Lott slammed the Administration for not cutting taxes. Gloria said that most GOPers oppose cutting the tax! Lott said he wanted to squander the budget surplus on a "gas tax holiday."
Talk turned to tobacco -- and Lott said that the FDA does not so a particularly good job right now. Lott, who has no medical training, thinks he's some sort of expert on biochemistry, scientific research, and drug safety. He isn't.
He is, however, the foremost authority in Congress on how to achieve a perfectly ironed shirt (his nickname among some of our friends on the hill is "the laundry lady" for his infamous habit of re-ironing shirts fresh from the laundry that don't meet his finicky standards).
It's also worth noting that Lott, like many in the GOP who have counted on the generosity of the tobacco industry, avoided answering the actual question concerning some tobacco companies sounding as if they'd welcome FDA regulation. He knows it's too risky a subject to discuss openly right now -- but it is a reliably cheap'n'easy gateway to a "slam Clinton" answer.
Reliable Sources
Bravo to Howard Kurtz for interviewing our favorite news "anchor" -- the hilarious Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's evening news put-on The Daily Show, whose satirical coverage more often than not gives a clearer view of what's really going on in the nation than do the "big 3" networks' "real" news shows.
Stewart was in great form as he ripped a few new holes for the broadcast press. He said his mandate is to entertain -- but that seems to be what's happening to network news! He also righteously assailed the cable news outlets for doing too much infotainment-style news. He was particularly critical of the cable outlets for their coverage of the Columbine story, first at the "as it was happening" level for endangering the kids, and then forcing cameras into the faces of kids who had hardly had a chance to recover from the trauma.
It was a year overdue -- but thank God somebody said it!
Stewart also needled the need for candidates to have a "good media presence," citing the unexpected effect of the Kennedy-Reagan debate: Nixon broke a sweat and lost, and it's been downhill ever since. This is another truth you'll never hear members of the real press say.
Stewart also slammed 20/20 for using scare tactics in their ads and teasers -- and for Diane Sawyer's "visit" to Elian Gonzalez! "A visit is what your aunt does...in that instance, the pressure to get ratings has overwhelmed [their] common sense."
Sort of reminds one of the Lewinsky flap, doesn't it...
There was also a clip of Bob Dole, Stewart's guest political "commentator" on The Daily Show. We loved it -- Dole does great shtick! Kurtz then sort of criticized the move as a "sell-out" -- and Stewart cracked up Kurtz and us with his comeback: "Well, remember, I'm a fake journalist!"
But he still does it so much better than the talking hairdos on the big three networks!
This Weak!
When will ABC fire these losers?
What non-surprises in low quality do Spam and Cockie have in store for us this week? That is the question that haunts the entire Pundit Pap team every Saturday night (tee-hee).
The truth is that the surprises they always offer are based on the slanted demeanor and lack of knowledge they constantly exhibit to a national audience, while being paid millions for the privilege.
SURPRISE NUMBER ONE: This Weak led with a story about the OSPREY aircraft that crashed last night! The Osprey is a fixed wing airplane/helicopter. There has been no major crash for this plane in SEVEN YEARS. The plane cost a lot. That was an issue years and years ago when Ed Chency tried to kill the project because the plane wasn't being built by the "right" company.
In truth, it was a non-story -- save our deep regrets to the families of Air Force volunteers who died yesterday.
Spam then moved to ELIAN!!! What a surprise. Spam brought on Linda Douglass (a relative of the Beverly Hillbillies' Donna Douglass?).
But then a GOOD SURPRISE: COCKIE got to interview Attorney General Janet Reno. Reno said (paraphrasing), "Hey, we are resolving this next week. PERIOD." She was kind to the Miami family -- and clearly does not want Elian ripped apart anymore.
Cockie said that a couple of lawyers writing in the Washington (Rag) Post said that Reno has the power to keep Elian here with his father while his appeals go forward.
Senator Connie "Hack" and Senator Bob Graham of Florida were pimping for the Cuban-American vote and are trying to pressure Reno to do what the so-called Cuban-Americans -- not simply Americans -- TELL them to do.
Cockie then said this: ABC hired a psychiatrist to analyze Elian and first he thought that Elian should go back to his father immediately, but then changed his mind when he interviewed Elian!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- just what the hell is ABC doing hiring psychiatrists who COCKIE said are eminent? What is this world coming to? Are they trying to "dictate" policy?
Anyone can see that Elian is cool. And who raised him? His father and dead mother (well, maybe she's dead). There is no proof that Daddy Elian is anything but a great father -- and just looking at him on television seems to prove that.
Stupid Cockie wondered whether it's good for the brat to become an ICON in Cuba. Well, of course is it, you moron. Haven't you striven your whole life to be an icon of lying media? You even work a few jobs to keep the icon status -- even stooping as low as reporting for NPR! So what the hell are you talking about, Cockie?
Cockie tried to get Reno to say she will snatch the kid if the jerks in Miami don't give him up. No dice. Cockie then wanted to know whether Reno thinks the father is free to say what he wants. Reno said (again paraphrasing), "Hey Cockie, I talked to him -- and there were no Cubans in the room watching him. He wants to go back home to Cuba, he does not want to stay in America, and -- hey, SURPRISE -- believe it or not, there are millions of people, maybe billions, who wouldn't want to live here either. Remember - HOME is where is the heart is, we don't recall that AMERICA is where the heart is."
Sure, for us, you can't beat the USA -- and we kiss the ground when we return from Europe, Asia or Mexico when the plane lands at JFK, or LAX, or even REAGAN International Airport!!!! But for others, the same thrill occurs when they hit the tarmac or the concrete runways in China, Cuba, Iraq, Iran or any nation we wouldn't think of wanting to live in.
Spam then welcomed creepy lawyer Spencer Eig, who was wearing a Yarmulke and beard to prove he was a smart Orthodox Jewish lawyer "defending" the brat [note from the editors: the person writing this is a reform Jew]. The only reason Eig is on is to feather his own nest and get lots of wealthy clients from within the Cuban community in Miami.
Eig said that Elian's mother speaks from Elian -- FROM THE GRAVE!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha. But what if she's alive? Eig also said that Reno is trying to "manipulate" the Gonzalez family in Miami. He claimed that the family will obey the law and turn over Elian.
Good. End of story. Goodbye, Eig. No such luck. Oy, gevalt!
Eig said that Lazaro Gonzalez made a SOLEMN PROMISE to Elian that he would do nothing to harm Elian, to Elian. Elian is PARALYZED WITH TERROR, claims Eig. Eig said that Elian was told by his father that his mother was waiting for him in Cuba.
Well, maybe she is. Maybe it was Fidel who set up this phony inner tube scam -- if it was.
Eig then calls Castro a "pharaoh!"
George Will reminded Eig that the father waited FIVE DAYS to ask for his son back. Eig said that INS has refused to interview Elian. We say, so what? Screw the kid! If he stays here, the idiot psychiatric world -- assisted by lunatics like Will -- may turn this kid into a neurotic female impersonator (by the way, Cuban Americans ARE the best female impersonators, according to one of our friends in Provincetown) who doesn't know truth from scam. At least in Cuba there are few psychiatrists that went to school -- and they won't continue making this kid insane.
Eig -- what kind of a name is that? Is it CUBAN?
Riacrdo Alarcon, the president of the Assembly of Cuba, was on Spam and Cockie as well. This was the same poor geek that had to put up with Russert only a half hour before.
Alarcon was told by Spam that returning to communism will be terrible. Ricardo said that the so-called Cuban-Americans in Miami have no right to violate international law and kidnap a little boy. Spam told him that HE had reports that the rest of the Gonzalez family are under house arrest in Cuban.
Ricardo just started laughing in Spam's face. He was asking (without actually asking) whether Spam thinks it would okay to take an American child to Cuba and refuse to send him.
Not to copy Timmy-boy -- but Cockie then welcomed Senator Bob Torricelli, Democrat Senator of Little Havana -- er, New Jersey -- to strut his stuff about how he hates Reno's decision.
Then she turned to Patrick Leahy of Vermont -- a state not known for its great intellectual congressional delegation -- to play the role of Torricelli's "opposite." Pat said that all the politicians should step aside and realize this is a family matter. "I would want my child back." said Pat.
Senator Graham said the family is doing everything the government asks. But this, of course, is not true. The family has refused to voluntarily to give the child back to his father NOW, as the INS has asked. They also will not deliver the child to Washington -- at our expense -- to make the proper exchange.
Pat said -- "hey, what about the Chinese?" Well, that was probably a slip! We are not going to let everyone in the world into this country, he said, and we are not going to allow these Cuban-Americans to run our foreign policy.
George Will compared sending the kid back to sending a Black kid back to a SLAVE STATE in the South!! Hey, George, start taking your pills before you go on television!
Will want to know why Graham said that the Justice Department and the INS has made decisions that are inexplicable. Graham said that it would be "The very worst sadness" should Elian become a hero in Cuba.
Again -- WHY? We known darned well that Graham WANTS to be a hero himself. He calls Elian a "young man." MAN?
Cockie calls George W. Bush, who slipped off the radar screen entirely this week, THE GREAT MENTIONER -- and asked the undynamic duo of Leahy and Graham whether they are on the "yes" list. They just laugh in her face.
Hey, lets give credit to Cockie. She did get the interview with Janet -- our FAVORITE Clintonian.
WATCH FOR OUR JUNE ISSUE WHERE WE CELEBRATE RENO WITH A COVER STORY!!!!
Hey, have you wondered why Russert, Will, Matthews and Limbaugh haven't made fun of Reno's shaking hands lately -- shaking from disease that has markedly increase due to pressure brought on by such pieces of crap as Dan "Rotted Brain" Burton and Scumbag CongressHomewrecker Henry Hyde, who is now in Hyding, hoping against hope to be reelected.
Finally, we were treated to a focus group on the presidential candidates whose members think (read: know) Bush is an idiot, but a few more would vote for him if Tom Ridge, the completely unknown Governor of Pennsylvania (a state where half a dozen elected Republicans have either been convicted of, are being investigated for, and/or have resigned from office due to felony crimes in the last year) were his running mate.
The focus group seemed to consist of a representative cross-section of Americans -- idiots, crossdressers, evangelicals, and a couple of college grads who look bored.
George staphylococcus, cub reporter, came out to talk about this. His words of wisdom: "I think the candidates have to reintroduce themselves." Sam began his usual manic ranting and screaming, saying that the race won't start now, but in the Fall it will morph into a MUD slinging race.
Gee, how genuinely perceptive.
Staph is surprised that Bush wasn't messed up more by the primary race. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha -- he was messed up plenty, you cretin. He now trails Gore by 13 points in national polls that are too expensive for YOU to see!
The round table of lunatic political "geniuses" discussed the race between Hillary and little Gestapo chieftain Rudolf von Giuliani. Staph had it right: Gore will get at least a million if not more votes than Bush in New York.
Stop and think: how will a little martinet swine like Giuliani get millions of Gore voters to split their tickets and vote for him?
The answer -- it won't happen.
Rudy is a loser. He cannot afford to lose if he wants to ascend to the Reichstag in Albany to replace that cross between Don Knotts and Tom Arnold, "Pattycake" Pataki.
So Rudy ain't running. He's going to take all the money he's raised an bank it for the upcoming governor's race in New York.
Rick Lazio knows this already. But surprise, Rick -- you won't be getting the kind of money Rudy gets. AND you'll lose.
Hillary, welcome to the United States Senate.
Will had the final say -- he is now against the death penalty.
Do you believe it? The moron NOW realizes that cops lie, and have been lying all along about everything. Gee, George, it took you long enough to become a liberal on this issue.
Will is about the hundredth conservative pundit to have had a change of heart in the last month on the death penalty.
Could it have something to do with an investigation into an execution or two in Governor George W. Smirk's Texas?
CNN Late Edition
Wolf Surprises With Reno
Topic one: Elian. Guest one: a surprise appearance by Janet Reno! She said that the American family cancelled a meeting with her! Wolf did not ask why; instead, he asked about allegations that Juan Miguel is violent, and Reno said that there is no substantial evidence to back the allegations -- and that it is time to reunite father and son, whose six-year relationship far outweighs the four months Elian has been in Miami.
Reno said her office is looking for the least disruptive means to reunite father and son; Wolf said that the family now wants their psychologists to examine the kid. Reno said that her choices of psychologists were based on professional credentials.
Wolf asked about press reports that the DOJ is reviewing contingency plans to "take the child by force," trying to stir up the possibility of trouble -- and telegraphing to the right-wing Cuban-American community that CNN would be there to cover "Waco 2000!"
Reno said that the family has always said they would abide by the law. Wolf pressed: are contingencies being planned? Reno said that she "hope[s] the rule of law will prevail." "Can you tell us there are no plans... to swipe the boy in the night?" Reno said in so many words there is no such plan -- no doubt dashing the hopes of anti-Castro Cuban exiles and anti-government zealots everywhere. She added that it's time to drop the hypotheticals and reunite father and son.
Wolf: "The Vice President disagrees with you, disagrees with the President..." (right, Wolf, as if this will make Gore look bad).
Reno: a distant relative has cared for the child, but the father-son relation is paramount.
Wolf played a tape of Juan Miguel's lawyer calling for a Cuban "support group" of Elian's friends to come to America -- and Reno said that anything that could aid Elian would be expedited.
Wolf got back to hypotheticals -- if the American family does not comply, when does it become a kidnapping case? Reno dashed the question, saying that the American family is loving and that she does not see the case going in that direction at all.
We tuned in later for Wolf's interview with John McCain, which had been taped earlier in the day. Wolf asked about Elian -- and Juan Miguel's request to Reno to get Elian. McCain said he wants to see Elian remain in the US. Wolf countered that family issues trump political issues, quoting dissident Republican Steve Largent -- a gutsy supporter of reuniting father and son. McCain said he wants to see normalization of Cuban-American relations, then went into a litany of what's wrong with Cuba. McCain made a particular point that the preferred car in Cuba is a '56 Chevy Impala!
Hey, J.J. -- we always knew Cubans had a real sense of hip retro style -- we'd love to own one of these prize gas-guzzlers ourselves!
Wolf asked too many questions about Elian, possible violence in Miami, and what laws apply. What a waste of time.
Wolf also brought up the false claim that Gore was "pandering" on the Elian issue -- and McCain, much to his credit, slammed Wolf by saying he refused to question Gore's motives.
Wolf then played clips of Gore invoking McCain's name -- how does he feel about that? "Well, maybe he'll ask me to be his running mate!" He correctly observed that Gore is appealing for support of McCain supporters, then insanely claimed that breaches of national security could be tied to Democrat fundraising.
Good grief -- is Dan Burton's mental disease contagious?
McCain was a little slippery about relations with and support of Bush, as Wolf read from Mike Beschloss's commentary on Reagan's less-than-enthusiastic support of Gerald Ford. McCain said he has allegiance to millions of voters and he cannot abandon them.
What he really meant: he won enough states to challenge every plank of the GOP platform under party rules. He's still eligible for matching funds. He has not withdrawn from the race, merely "suspended" it. Heel, Dubya, heel!
There was also a little bit of give-and-take between Wolf and McCain about his support for Rudy Giuliani -- along with a complete Rudy campaign commercial! Jeez, Wolf, why not run the "shapethedebate.com" spot while you're at it? Wolf also "ribbed" McCain about the laughs he had at a press dinner with Bill Clinton, and of course mentioned that McCain had voted to convict Clinton in the coup attempt -- er, impeachment trial.
Well DUUUH, Wolf -- McCain KNEW there would never be a conviction, and that he'd NEVER have a chance at the Presidential nod if he'd voted against it.
Is it just us, or did Wolf seem a little on the laid-back side this week?
