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Debate Pap
Last Tango (snore...) in Carolina
by David J. Gonzo

Feb. 15, 2000 (AmpolNS) -- New York -- Well, we managed to miss the first few minutes of CNN's subdued and slightly surreal three-way GOP debate between Alan Keyes, John McCain and George W. Bush.

Larry King -- not exactly our idea of Mr. Politics -- was the moderator. In fact, King's stewardship lent a sort of faux celebrity atmosphere to the banter -- and made us feel a whole lot more cynical about the events.

There were few sparks -- the three candidates spent their last tango recycling their spin points.

We tuned in just as Bush claimed that the present administration "drug its feet" on a missile defense system, then gave a rambling commentary on weapons of mass destruction. McCain said he knew that Putin was a "KGB apparatchik" -- red meat for the red scare crowd -- then said he was "afraid" that Mr. Putin would "make the trains run on time." Hey, J.J. -- maybe we should make him mayor of New York. Subways are still unreliable when it comes to their timetables. Keyes said he would not meet with Putin if he were the nominee; Bush said "probably not," then asked if Putin would welcome the "rule of law." We don't know, Bush -- he hasn't invited Ken Starr to Russia, at least to our knowledge. Bush was giving memorized, sound-bite-driven answers again. Just how dumb is too dumb?

We could tell where this debate was going to go -- nowhere. Fast.

But we decided to stick around anyway.

King asked if the candidates were concerned about Austria -- and McCain said yes, but that this was a free and fair election with a sophisticated electorate. Right, J.J. -- just like Austrians in the 1930s.

When would the candidates use arms? Bush said " in our national interest" -- then began ranting about the Panama Canal. He was fanning the flaming right wingnuts out to turn the canal into an excuse for a cold war with China -- stupid, stupid, stupid. McCain said that he was concerned about setting a good moral standard for intervention; Keyes did his isolationist jig. He called Clinton's intervention abroad "irresponsible." Bush claimed that low military morale was the result of being undermanned and overdeployed -- but face it, guys, the latter is thanks to Reagan and Bush.

Keyes talked about his "positive" massage -- but seemed to be doing nothing all night but saying how bad the entire country is: moral dilemmas, lack of values, and, of course, that dreadful Mr. Clinton-Gore.

Bush whined about McCain having compared his integrity to Bill Clinton. He has a point -- when Clinton made a mistake, he apologized. When Bush made his mistakes, he swept them under the rug and didn't give a straight answer. McCain told Bush that he should be ashamed, and Bush kept trying to cut him off. Bush responded, McCain tried to cut him off, and Bush sneered "let me fin-ish" like a pushy schoolboy. He then slammed McCain for criticizing the Christian Coalition -- which just gives independents all the more reason to like McCain. Keyes attacked their "bickering" -- only because he felt left out! He started in with the now-tired "income tax slave" talk.

McCain then recounted the tale of the kid who got "push-polled," probably by the ghost of Lee Atwater.

Will Bush pull the negative ads? Bush said he will continue with his current campaign -- in other words, no. He then whipped out a supposedly "negative" ad that some moron had left on some other moron's windshield -- left most likely by the same spectral push-poller. Bush claimed that "it says it's paid for like John McCain" -- but it looked like a xerox of an ad from some time ago.

Real easy for a Bush supporter, official or otherwise, to Xerox an old ad, slap it on a windshield, and give you an opportunity to whine. Don't you agree, George?

King mentioned Bush's "sudden" talk about campaign finance reform. Bush said he talked about it "last summer" -- then spelled out his goofy plan. King said something about "members of unions giving against their will... what about stockholders?" Everyone deflected -- McCain said something about missiles and China. Keyes got animated -- saying that Americans should not give up their rights to buy pols just because a few of them are crooked! At least he gets the fact that money talks! Bush looked sheepish and uncomfortable.

Bush said, with regard to his contributors, that "I put on the Internet who gave to whom" -- we presume "whom" being "him" -- and of course, he didn't index it or make it easy to look up contributors.

After the break, King welcomed the three back, referring the McCain as "the Senator from Texas." McCain: "I don't think I'm allowed in Texas." Bush started talking about his "record of reform," saying that Americans "want a fresh voice" (no wonder Britney Spears is so popular). Bush claimed to be an outsider, and McCain said that he's no longer "Mr. Congeniality" in the Senate because of his attacks on campaign financing and porkbarrel spending -- snatching back the mantle of reformer from Bush. Keyes then claimed to be the real outsider and the man saying what's in the heart of republicans. Okay -- he does act like he's from outside of our galaxy, so we award the "Outsider" title to Keyes.

Bush replied to Keyes: "I'm not the darling of the media." Well -- not anymore. Not long after, he began talking about "his" "tangible results" in education -- when in fact he has had little if anything to do with education in Texas and test scores are dropping by some measures.

Keyes made a snide comment on a McCain event that turned into an underage college "beer bash" -- then brought up his own appearance at Bob Jones University, claiming that McCain gave into a "prejudiced press" and that he challenged the students to examine their own views on race. Bush angrily (coached) replied to Keyes, and Keyes said that Bush had not said one word during his speech at BJU. McCain said he had not even been invited -- and would have slammed the ban on interracial dating had he been invited!

King asked Bush why he hadn't accepted an invitation to speak before Log Cabin Republicans. He claimed it was because they endorsed McCain -- but had they at the time Bush was invited, we ask? McCain chided Bush, saying that GOPers should meet with "every group." There was a lot of talk about "don't ask, don't tell" -- especially when Keyes claimed that it was not being enforced. Bush gave his rehearsed answer on the goal of the military, like an assertive but smirking parrot. Keyes ranted about "sexual experimentation... return to the ban on homosexual activity in the military." McCain questioned Keyes's comment that military leaders, including Colin Powell, were "coerced." Will Powell be your secretary of state? McCain said sure; Bush said that "we shouldn't be spelling it out." McCain: "He can serve anywhere he wants in my administration." Shrewd move -- crossover Black voters will eat that up.

King asked about a hypothetical "pregnant daughter" and Bush refused to play along before saying that he'd sign a ban on partial birth abortion, asking "how can you justify 'partial birth abortion?'"

We'll tell you, DumbYa -- when the life of the mother is in danger, for just one. It's that simple. Idiot.

And McCain chided Keyes for "lecturing" McCain on abortion -- "and do not bring my daughter into it." McCain got a smattering of applause.

There was wonk talk about Social Security and tax plans. McCain emphasized the importance of reducing the debt on prompting from King. Bush hollered about tax cuts and "making the pie higher [and] reducing the marginal rate." King asked what a million-a-year salary man gets -- Bush motormouthed "39.5to33percentbut the poooor...." McCain claimed that he can stop Congress from spending. Bush said he did not trust Congress!

Hey, DumbYa, we agree -- people like Dick Armey, Trent Lott, Denny Hastert, Tom DeLay -- no wonder you don't trust them!

And Keyes echoed Bush's sentiments -- then slammed Bush and McCain for being "gatekeepers" for the "income tax." More tax slavery talk -- Keyes started talking sales and excise taxes.

King then talked about Illinois stopping executions. Bush claimed that everyone executed since he became Governor was guilty -- which is no surprise in Texas, where they'd offer the death penalty for parking violations if they could!

If that's the case, BushBaby, why are there questions about so many of those people's actual guilt kicking around now?

King: "You know they all did it."

Bush: "Yes."

We hope that assertion comes back to haunt this arrogant prig. Big time.

Keyes claimed that the death penalty is part of our culture's moral structure.

Race profiling was the next topic -- Bush said that he would work with state police. McCain talked about vigilance at the borders, and Keyes talked about certain crimes being disproportionately committed by specific ethnic groups, claiming there's a difference between prejudice and judgment. We bet certain "conservative" South Carolinian TV viewers ate that up as they ironed their sheets and made sure their nooses were properly tied! King then set the three up for a round of "I'm more conservative... No, I'm more conservative!" by asking Bush if he thought McCain was a liberal. McCain did say that "this is the nastiest campaign people have seen in a long time."

Huh? The Hyde Judiciary Committee setting up Clinton wasn't nastier?

McCain claimed that there are polls saying that 50% of America are suffering from "Clinton fatigue." Huh? They're tired of peace, prosperity, security, and Bill making congressional GOPers look like losers, using a term invented by right-wing spinmeisters? Must be one of those goofy FOX O-spin-ion Dy-slammics polls that always "prove" Bill Clinton is Satan.

On the issue of Internet taxation, McCain gave a very ballsy answer as he said that he'd veto such taxes: "I don't care what the governors think." The expression on Bush's face was not to be believed.

And that pretty much sums up the entire affair. It looked to us as if Bush got more face time than McCain, but McCain came across as more believable and relaxed, and less stiff. Keyes was assertive, energized, off the wall, and entertaining.

The debate, as a whole, was a snore. It will, in fact, have practically no impact on the South Carolina primary later this week.