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NEW YORK / WASHINGTON, D.C. (AmpolNS) -- Jan. 2, 2000 --
Fox News Sunday
Last week, we asked "Is Fox News Hoping for Millennium Mayhem?" This week, Tony answered -- sort of.
In the opening bumper, Tony Snow asked about millennium terrorist attacks: successful security, or was it all a hype?
Well, Tony, considering the way you and the gang hyped every wacky scenario you could, we'd have to say the latter! Heck, your speculative scenarios may have single-handedly waved potential nutcases off! What a hero!
Guest one: Sen. Richard Lugar (R), who discussed the transition of Russian presidential power from Boris Yeltsin to Vladimir Putin. Lugar denounced the Chechnya war, then Bill "O'Really" O'Reilly, in a roundabout slam of Clinton, pointed out that Yeltsin will not be prosecuted -- and that he "looted billions from banks" with his family (how the hell would he know definitively?) -- then asked (alluding to American bailouts) "Is he stealing our money?... They had to know about all the theft and all the corruption." Lugar essentially agreed -- saying that while he is not " a proponent of Putin," Putin may well round up the thieves.
Tony asked if, since Putin knew about theft of American taxpayer money, he should try to recover it for the American taxpayer! Oh, c'mon, Tony -- be real. There was a slew of questions about corruption, which culminated in O'Really saying that Clinton was praising a man (Yeltsin) who was ripping off America!
Oh, please, Chris -- do you think we are morons? You see, Chris, there's this thing called "diplomacy," and that means tat when a statesman steps down, it's customary to... oh, forget it, Chris. You wouldn't listen anyway.
Tony tried to raise a little "loose nukes" paranoia ("Do we know where all their missiles are?") before asking a pretty speculative question about Putin's chances of being elected in June.
We learned only one thing from this segment -- Lugar's knowledgeable presence was wasted on the smarmy O'Really, who we think should go back to warping the minds of high-school age children, preferably in some Luddite community such as Lynchburg, Virginia (a city named after a pastime in which they wish they could partake if the potential target were not an obnoxious, evangelizing "taliban" Christian).
Spots (prodigy.com, USPS/Lockheed Martin, ExxonMobil, Fox Sports) preceded the big, big millennium security segments -- terrorists did not strike, but will they in the future? Rep. Norm Dicks (D) said that Seattle was prudent to cancel their millennium events, and that the Border Patrol did a great job. Tony said that insofar as incidents went, "we got bubkes."
Arch-moron Michael Ledeen of the American Enterprise Institute bashed Iran, Iraq, and the Soviet Union (ha, ha, ha -- what a stretch -- not!) then said that Libya seemed vulnerable to terrorism -- in other words, he didn't say anything most news junkies don't know. Dr. Neil Livingston -- who bears a weird resemblance to the incredibly well-dressed, British-accented and supposedly dead arch-villain on The X Files, said that a number of nations labeled as "state sponsors of terrorism" should be removed from the list -- and others added.
Tony: "On the day Monica testified, we tried to strike Osama bin Laden, we missed him." Tony still can't let go of Monica -- poor guy. he's hooked -- and has to cast Clinton as a moral and military failure, despite the fact that military actions initiated under Clinton have cost less and suffered zero deaths in combat! Dicks talked about antiterrorism legislation already passed -- and other legislation which should be passed to help prevent terrorism.
Tony asked Ledeen whether we still were scaring terrorists the way the Ayatollah (supposedly) was scared in 1981; Ledeen talked about America "bombing an aspirin factory in Sudan" -- but somehow ignored both the fact that bin Laden had a financial stake in the factory and that there was credible evidence that nerve gas precursors were being manufactured there. Ledeen, we think, would like to see bin Laden stay in business. Dicks said that Clinton would likely strike at terrorists if retaliation were called for (big hint to other nations). Dicks also dissed a Strategic Missile Defense -- and Ledeen -- saying that terrorism is a growing threat due to our superior military and economy -- and pointed out that the conversation had avoided chemical and biological weapons.
Following spots (Fox shows, Childreach) came a segment with the formidable evangelist Billy Graham which ignored.
Panel time! First up was talk of Monica's spots for Jenny Craig. O'Really -- predictably -- said that he'd be selling his hypothetical Craig holdings because Monica's "tainted!" Juan Williams asked what kind of woman the President was attracted to, and Mara Liasson stupidly said that Craig's people did their homework on Monica -- and she does resonate with women.
O'Really: "Why are we rewarding this behavior? She's never had a job, she's a leech, she's a social climber..." This is the extent of O'Really's talent in debate -- ad hominems and lies.
Hey Chris -- your description of Ms. Lewinsky, who has at least made some effort to get her life together and mature a little, makes her sound almost like a pundette from the Independent Women's Forum. You ought to follow Monica's example -- and grow up.
Predictably, talk turned to Linda Tripp's plastic surgery -- but no mention was made of the fact that some right-wing daddy whorebucks underwrote it. O'Really made a stupid and snide remark about Vernon Jordan got a tummy tuck -- another indication of the highest intellectual level to which O'Really is capable of rising.
If Roger Ailes were smart, he'd keep this cretinous jerk, who never should have graduated beyond the anchor desk of A Current Affair, off of Fox News Sunday in the future.
The entire panel was put off by the Clintons' "conduct" at the millennium celebration at The Mall -- Mara said there is a "trend" for Clinton not to leave the stage or lose the spotlight (Mara's "trend" is to bash the Clintons at every opportunity), but admitted that Hillary can't catch a break. O'Reilly and Tony claimed that Hillary got booed -- but two sources who were present at the Mall have told Ampol that they heard nothing but applause and cheering for the First Lady.
We believe the "booing" story had been planted on the ever-unreliable Free Republic web site -- and probably consisted of six hillbilly Freeper yahoos booing so they could "corroborate" each other.
There was a boring conversation about Puffy Combs -- and O'Really again showed his stupid streak by claiming that Combs bought his way into New York Society.
Right, O'Really -- as if you'd ever see Puff Daddy appear at a debutante cotillion.
But we did laugh at Tony's wiseass, politically incorrect comment about a possible Martha Stewart/Puffy "Decorate Your Crib" guide. We know -- we shouldn't have -- but it was funny.
The panel then bashed Al Gore for fundraising -- but Juan said that John McCain is coming on strong and is an alternative to Bush.
We'll see, Juan.
Mara bashed Bill Bradley for playing reformer while taking lots of cash from Wall Street.
Gosh, Mara, if that's the case, why didn't you ever bash Newt Gingrich? The same is true of him!
Tony's final word -- an optimistic assessment of the New Year, and congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Roger Ailes on the birth of a son.
Hey -- we may think that Ailes is an unmitigated Neofascist, but what the heck -- congrats to the Aileses from the Pundit Pap team!
The McLaughIn Group
We won't bore you with all details of McLaughIn's "greatest" and "worst" of the "faux millennium."
In fact, we'll hardly say a thing.
The show, which sported as its musical theme the well-known circus march Entry of the Gladiators, was a near-complete waste and a complete circus -- although we were amused to see how ridiculous the entire panel (John, Laurence O'Donnell, Michael Barone, Eleanor Clift and Tony Blankley) look in formal wear.
Better they dress for the occasion: John as ringmaster, Eleanor as the high-wire artist, Tony as the weightlifter, and O'Donnell and Barone as the midget clowns they are. we'd love to see them nattering as they get out of the midget car along with a gaggle of their Heritage Foundation clown "fellows" whispering the latest spin in their ear!
Top dumb comment: John called the "most ominous invention" the computer -- because it can invade privacy in an Orwellian manner.
Now, there's no arguing that, but the most ominous? Puh-leeeeze -- pass Ringmaster John the cultured anthrax!
This Weak
The Worst Sunday Spin Show -- Worse Than Ever Without Bill Kristol
"Is Vladimir Putin the right stuff?"
Wrong question. Try, "Is Spam Donaldson the right stuff -- especially without Bill Kristol around?"
The answer to that question was a resounding no -- the retooling of This Weak is so far a disaster, and we predict that its ratings will drop even more in the Metro New York area as news and politics junkies flee to Fox for a taste of Tony Snow's fast-paced, smart-alecky, far-more-comprehensive show.
Spam Donaldson told us, but first provided a good bio of Putin -- done by someone else, of course.
Sandy Berger was welcomed, and George "The Pill" Will was present to question him. Berger admitted that the White House had some advance warning that something might happen, but that information was not definitive. Berger woke President Clinton at 5 AM and Clinton called Yeltsin and Putin early that morning.
Will, of course, said that Putin was an ex-KGB official and that makes him an "enemy" of Democracy.
Of course, Will is wrong as usual -- Putin was a leader in the pro-democracy movement before the USSR fell! This writer has actually met Putin -- and he seems fair, but wary of Western intervention in the way Russia runs its internal affairs.
Berger said that Chechnya is a dilemma for Putin, because he faces an election in three months. If he cannot bring this to an end by then, this war could be an albatross around his neck.
By the way -- Berger looked as if he'd lost about 45 pounds. Did he make a deal with Jenny Craig as well?
Berger said he encourages Putin to bring the war to a peaceful conclusion. Why not just bomb the crap out of the Chechnyans? Wouldn't we do that if Texas tried to withdraw from the Union?
Some discussion about Berger's remark that for Putin "it's the economy stupid" ensued. Spam said that all the IMF money is "going into Swiss bank accounts for the oligarchy." Hey, stupid: it's not Swiss bank accounts, because Switzerland does not take these kinds of deposits since the Marcos scandals more than a decade ago. Wake up, Spam.
Then George Will said the stupidest thing we have ever heard and Berger repeats it! "Money is fungible." Well of course it is you idiots -- what else could it be -- non-fungible?
Spam wanted to know if the US is about to offer the Syrians and the Israelis $10 billion to settle their feuds. If you can't bomb them, buy them off, we always say.
Then Spam welcomed ex-Russian President Gorbachev as a GUEST. Talk about a coup!
Gorby said he wonders whether a government controlled by business or the government (staff) is a good one, and said Putin had better learn that. Putin must not take the course of Yeltsin, he said -- this would be a mistake. We need a true Democracy.
All this was said from a plush office with a Picasso behind him and $100 worth of flowers.
Gorby said that Chechnya will not become another Afghanistan. These are bandits, he said, but it is important not to destroy the citizens of Chechnya. Also, our soldiers should not be harmed or killed any longer.
Will wanted to know what Gorby means about the US "superiority complex".
"Russia does not like to be humiliated and wants respect." Now an anti-American mood has started up again. They say "what kind of America wants to see Russia in bad shape."
Spam wanted to know what Gorby thinks of the Yeltsin pardon from Putin the day before yesterday. Gorby said that if a question arises for specific criminal misdeeds then the Russian law will proceed. Ooh -- another President on the block.
Spam then pretended to understand Wall Street by bringing on a segment about the meteoric rise in the NASDAQ.
He tells us the NASDAQ rose 85% -- but QualComm rose from $26 to more than $700 a share in a year. He interviewed Dr. Irwin Jacobs, QualComm's founder, who said this price is "exciting" and the wireless industry is at the top of the curve. Another guest, James Grant of the Grant Observer, talked about the excitement of new inventions like the telephone -- but Grant is a well known BEAR, and has been saying the stock market will melt down for about three years now.
"Bubbles always burst -- and no one tells you before they do." Grant reminded us that the Federal Reserve System has been expanding credit enormously this year (although that old idiot Fed Chairman Greenspan pretends to be so, so conservative.)
Jacobs went back to his "exciting" adjective. But he said, "Looking ahead, tech is going to continue to boom." Spam wanted to know if there is a danger in running QCOM's stock so high. Spam blamed a 21-year-old analyst who said publicly that QCOM was going to a $1,000 a share.
Grant said that QCOM may be capitalized at $100 billion -- but some student at MIT will offer something better someday.
We can tell you that someone will do just that in just a few months -- but we can't tell you what it is.
We can also tell you that it will make QualComm's phones look like relics or toys.
Irwin said he thinks this is great -- sure. But he still thinks his stock will continue to soar. The QCOM stock rose 50% in about a week -- for absolutely no rational reason. Then the stock split on Friday -- 4 for one to about $175 a share. Our own internal stock guru said QCOM is overvalued by about 500%!
Irwin is so ugly that he had to become a billionaire in order to get some.
That was it -- but then, before they cut to commercials, the idiot producers at ABC showed five seconds of a black janitor mopping up the floor around a statue of Thomas Jefferson, founding father and mega-slaveholder, as "color" for the next segment.
A new fool, Mike Oreskes of the New York Times, joined George Staphylococcus and Will in the This WEAKEST Round Table of Squares. This was a cameo appearance for Oreskes, and he will be very pressured to make himself a "regular" to replace Bill Kristol and make himself some more money. The Times, of course, has become a right wing fundamentalist newspaper during the past three years' metamorphosis, and Oreskes is part of the problem.
The good news -- Oreskes made Staphylococcus look like moron. He is good -- but unfortunately his skin is so acne-scarred (he makes Steve Forbes look like Matt Damon) and his voice so hoarse that it's a major distraction! Not only that -- he's just plain ugly. We predict his debut will be his last gig on national television, unless he has a chemical burn, a thorax beef-up, a new hairstyle and more.
Staph looked more aged than ever. We guess that he is finally realizing that he's a loser, makes less money than ever, and still has to pay off that pricey Manhattan apartment and all the stunningly expensive snapper-bait furniture and drapery that he can't afford. No one likes a Judas.
Staph defended Bush's chances in New Hampshire. Gore, he said, needs to stay on the attack to suppress turnout in New Hampshire. Chalk up another idiot statement to George. Does he think Bradley will allow that to happen? Bradley motivates voters more than anyone on the stump.
Talk then turned to the end of Yeltsin -- and Bill Clinton's last year, which provided another chance for Staph to either embrace him or kick him in the groin (as he usually does).
A funny commercial for AXA Financial Advisors shows one of the characters -- a woman -- working in her $650,000 greenhouse, presumably near her $23 million mansion, talking about an old couple who came to her with a "pile of cash" but were worried they couldn't retire. She "showed them" how they could (they must have been pretty stupid) and collected a fat check in the process to pay for that greenhouse.
Oreskes said that Putin will be a mix between "a KGB spy and a Democrat," and said he thinks that the Putin learned a lot about making money as a spy. Staph muttered something incomprehensible about fighting the "robber barons."
Staph said Clinton will continue to be energetic and hurt Gore with a lot of executive orders. Oreskes said, "What if Clinton finds that the GOP are his natural allies?" Now that had us chuckling -- Oreskes must not be privy to what the GOP is planning for Clinton and Gore: total humiliation though attack ads.
Spam said that Clinton's critics (such as Sam himself) will say "Hey, we don't have anyone to kick around anymore." Parenthetically, he means, "Now they will find out what a truly boring, shallow, shrill moron I am."
Eat the Press
Starring Tim Russert, Cheerleader Captain for a New Cold War!
Tim Russert started the show with a recap of parties, fireworks, and the succession of Yeltsin by "former KGB agent" Putin.
Notice how all of the spinmeisters are playing up the "agent of the Evil Empire" angle and ignoring the fact that Putin was and remains a champion of reform! Russia... China... it does not matter -- these pundits are spoiling for a Cold War to fuel defense spending -- which would benefit Eat the Press sponsors such as GE.
Tim first bored us with a visit to Washington's Y2K command center. We headed to the kitchen to grab some leftovers and were noshing just as Tim welcomed Dmitri Yaskushkin, a senior Russian security official. Tim asked if the succession was "a rather undemocratic arrangement." Dmitri called it the Russian "story of the decade" as Tim broke in: "He wanted immunity -- immunity from what?" Dmitri said that such a law exists in almost every country -- and that elections will be held in June.
Tim then slammed Putin for being a proponent of intervention in Chechnya -- and then asked "why the focus?" Focus, Tim? Dmitri said that Chechnya's been "a black hole" in Russian territory -- "money disappeared... people were taken hostage, including foreigners... a minority attacked border territories in Russia. It's an important issue here." Is Putin pushing to win the war? "We want to resolve the issue... preserve the peace in Russian territory." Tim then played the race card, quoting Putin calling Chechens as "dark-skinned people" -- then asked a "velvet glove question": is Putin "trying to be a tough hombre?" Dmitri pointed out that terrorist actions had originated in Chechnya.
Tim then talked about Putin calling for more defense spending "Are we headed for a new Cold War?"
GE is practically begging for it through Tim!
Putin not only said no, but that "there's no turning back." As for the spending, "we're doing what's necessary."
Tim: "Will Russia allow America to build a missile defense system?" GE begging again! "Oh, please, Vladimir, GE's share price isn't growing as fast as QualComm's -- can't we please revive the Cold War so that GE can bring good things to ABM's, laser-guided ordnance, and overpriced boondoggles? We'll even cut you in, maybe!"
The final question from Tim started with his observation: "Putin was a KGB agent for 16 years."
Dmitri said it's amazing how the term KGB is bandied about to label a guy a commie. In fact, he added, the KGB paved the way to perestroika!
And guess what, Tim? He's right -- it was the KGB that worked with Gorbachev to transform Russia from communism to free markets -- despite moves by Reagan's handlers to prolong the Cold War! KGB agents in foreign territories were enjoying the perks of living in free-market countries -- and warning their government that the computer age and cheap consumer goods were leaving Russia in the dustbin -- and Russia would have to abandon Marxist-Leninist stupidity and change quickly.
And it would have happened sooner -- had Reagan's idiot assistants not pursued policies that prolonged the Cold War, and had the Reagan-era CIA not blown predicting the dissolution of the Warsaw Pact and Soviet Union.
Tim then turned to Madeleine Albright, who said that she was encouraged by Putin's words about freedom and the rule of law -- although "we will be watching carefully." Albright then diplomatically brought Timmy to the woodshed re. his KGB spin: "He was a chief reformer." Tim said, in so many words, "but... but... Chechnya!" Albright acknowledged that it was a continuing problem, with Putin riding the tiger, and urged a diplomatic solution. She also acknowledged the terrorist issue, asking how America might react if three apartment buildings were blown up.
Tim (trying to make the Clinton Administration look incompetent): "Why were we caught off guard with the Yeltsin resignation?" Albright said they were not -- there had been rumors (i.e. private tips) for weeks.
Tim then brought up the "dark-skinned" Putin comment -- and Albright lit into Tim for his Cold War comments! Tim: "You heard the Russian -- they oppose a strategic defense system" Tim then tried to put words in Maddy's mouth concerning the construction of a strategic missile defense system. Anything for a Cold War, Tim...
Spots: GE (what a surprise), Lucent, Xerox, NYSE.
Andrea Mitchell joined the questioning -- asking Maddie a provocative question about America "ignoring China" rounding up thousands of religious believers. Maddie slapped her down, saying the US is not ignoring it. Andrea made a snide "but we don't punish China" comment, then asked about the Cuban embargo. Maddie spelled out a few elementary facts about China vs. Cuba for the factually-challenged Ms. Mitchell, who we say would better spend her time keeping her husband Alan Greenspan happy.
Andrea brought up Elian Gonzalez -- and Castro's comment that Bill Clinton himself wanted to return the kid but was "hampered" by Florida politics! How pathetic -- Andrea passing on Castro's spin as a fact! Andrea will foolishly do anything to attack her hubbie's boss. Maddie again made Andrea look like the right-winger she is by pointing out that it is the role of the INS, not President Clinton, to make this decision.
Andrea then turned to Middle East talks and skeptically asked about a possible comprehensive resolution of issues between Israel and Syria. Albright went on at length about the complex issues and negotiations -- and said that there was in fact no time limit on talks. Andrea asked if Israeli Prime Minister Barak could "sell" an agreement to Israel (as if Assad doesn't have to sell this to his inner circle also) and Albright gave an assessment indicating a great opportunity to work out differences, especially on water rights.
Tim: "Do you believe Saddam Hussein has more weapons of mass destruction than a year ago?" Albright said she is not pleased that there are no inspectors on the ground.
Then came a Tim ambush, as he quoted Clinton from one year ago: "[Saddam] will deploy weapons of mass destruction," then asked "Aren't we concerned?"
What a bullshit question. Tim is trying to claim that the executive branch is not concerned. Nothing could be further from the truth! And Albright spelled just that out for Tim, who again failed to "ambush" a Clinton Administration figure -- with Maddy again making him look like the overstuffed buffoon of a pseudojournalist he is.
One can only wonder what it is that NBC sees in Russert, a man with all the subtlety and credibility of an overweight professional wrestler.
Spots: T. Rowe Price, America's Pharmaceutical companies, NBC News shows, local programs.
Roundtable time -- the topic was caucuses and primaries. David Broder said that Gore has a fundraising edge, but will have a huge fight with Bradley. Robert "Novakula" Novak attacked Gore -- big negatives, blah, blah. Tim: "Bradley beats Gore in New Hampshire -- then goes to California." Novakula said California could kill Gore -- then essentially dismissed McCain because he faces tough races all over, then spun some sort of overwhelming dislike by Republicans for McCain. Broder said there was not a legitimate alternative to Bush.
Tim then cheerfully turned to the New York Senate race -- knowing that Andrea Mitchell would claim that Rudy Giuliani is allegedly running ahead of Hillary among women. Whose poll, Andrea -- and what were the questions? She then mocked Mrs. Clinton over -- catch this -- old furniture.
Hey. Andrea, why aren't you pointing out that Rudy's wife, Fox 5's own Donna Hanover, moved some furniture recently -- into an apartment with a new roommate whose name is not Rudy? Why are you and the rest of the press so scared to expose Rudy's living arrangements?
Talk turned to the "disintegration" of the Reform Party -- Broder said to "watch" Ross Perot. Andrea lied when she said that "we haven't heard from Ross Perot in about a year."
Andrea, read a few papers. We have.
Novakula called anti-Ventura Reform figure Russ Verney a "Perot ally." Novakula also knows that he is also a Perot employee -- why won't he mention this? Talk turned to much inconsequential blather re. Trump -- "70% that he'll run... arm candy..." -- until Andrea Mitchell was actually correct for the first time in the program when she said Trump is doing the "race" to plug his new book!
And speaking of book plugs -- Tim touted Novakula's new book on how to "complete" the Gingrich Revolution. It's a riot -- Meet the Press selling GE products and marginal right-wing books.
We'll tell you how to complete the revolution, Novakula -- a stake through Gingrich's heart! But we won't do the same to you -- you make us laugh so hard whenever you turn up on pundit TV!
Spots: Dow, GE, Morgan Stanley Dean Witter, ADM.
The final segment consisted of taped comments on defining points in the last century.
Pat "Annoynihan" Moynihan: his turning point was joining the Navy. His forecast for America a century from now: dark and uncertain. His millennial wish: that we'll rise to the occasion as we did the Y2K "problems".
Bill Buckley's mummy then spoke. Defining point: founding National Review. America 100 years from now: he hopes for idealistic energy and voluntary service. His wish: more reverence. Oh, no, he's become a mummified evangelist!
Colin Powell was up. Defining point: becoming a soldier, watching civil and racial turmoil transform the nation. America 100 years from now: he hopes for resiliency and forecasts a darker society. His wish: for a better, shining city on the hill!
Doris Kearns Goodwin was last. Defining point: becoming an historian (we always thought it was "messing around" with LBJ!). America 100 years from now: pretty similar to now. Her wish: an unstoppable movement to give all Americans economic and health equality.
How heartwarming -- or was that indigestion we felt? What a waste of time -- except for the mummified remains of Buckley, who, even though we mostly disagree with him, at least has a few intelligent things to say.