Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, Zero!

The Destruction of the "Independent" Counsel and his GOP Allies Begins

Friday, September 11th, 1998 --- New York (APJP) -- We had a glimpse of the Starr Report through second hand sources in the wee hours this morning.

We were stunned to find NOTHING new.

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. A total goose egg for the "Independent" Counsel.

The tired sagas of Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones repeated themselves. Kenneth Starr, desperate to find even the tiniest scintilla of evidence that would allow the Republican Congress to impeach the President, stretched legal theories to the Sun -- so far that his arguments seemed nonsensical to some lawyers we contacted early this morning.

Starr wants us to believe that there are at least 11 reasons for impeaching the President.

Starr alleges that he lied under oath. Well, no kidding, we know that -- but he lied to protect both his family and Monica Lewinsky, who must also have begged him not to expose her own sexual proclivities, as most women are apt to do. Clinton, always the "Southern Gentleman," couldn't have done anything else but this -- until he was sure that Monica had "told" first.

Starr adds allegations that the President "tampered with witnesses," obstructed justice" and "abused power" -- ALL having to do with his affair with Lewinsky.

Hey Ken: What happened to Whitewater, Filegate, Travelgate and the rest? What happened to the thing you were appointed to investigate? What about the more than two dozen claims made by your office in the last few years that these investigations had reached a "crucial juncture" or "major turning point?"

Lemme guess: "Crucial juncture" must mean Dead End. "Major turning point" must mean Exculpation for the First Couple -- something you would want to reveal later rather than sooner, less rather than more.

Well, Ken, you've crossed the line. The anger here is profound. One of our people was so furious after seeing Starr had nothing but Lewinsky that she through a book through a door and screamed.

Check this out: there is an assertion in the report that Clinton committed perjury during the Jones deposition. However, closely reading the definition of sex as prepared by Jones' incompetent Rutherford Cult approved lawyers, the president may have come close -- but no cigar! (Excuse the pun.)

We don't agree with the President's defense that his statement was "legally accurate" -- that was reaching. But we do agree that a man should not talk about his and especially the woman's sex life to a group of extortion racketeers like the Jones legal team. What the President should have done was to rise, and punch them as hard and as long as he could.

Starr, clearly disappointed with his lack of meaty arguments, resorted instead to recounting in detail the most lurid details of the President's and Ms. Lewinsky's love life. Starr's advisers felt that it was mandatory to disguise the weakness of his arguments by packing the report with salacious materials that would distract Congress from the awful truth:

Kenneth Starr delivered nothing for the $50 million he has spent on his witch hunt and the mountains of terror and pain he has caused for so many.

Starr also introduces what he calls "evidence of deceit" by the President.

Well, of course he was deceitful - does something in the Constitution require that a President -- and no other man -- is forced to immediately get on the tube and confess his sins to the nation, his wife, daughter, friends and aides?

We don't think so.

Was the President the first to lie about an affair? Has anyone ever been prosecuted or even persecuted for lying about sex under oath?

Starr claims that Presidential obstruction of justice occurred when Clinton lied to aides "knowing they would give false testimony to the grand jury." Well, perish the thought! The President tells an aide "Look, we didn't have sex," and Starr stretches that into some sub-rosa dastardly plot to FORCE aides to lie. Ludicrous! At best, all the aides could report was hearsay. "Look, the president told me he did not have sex with Monica."

Mr. Starr, that is not suborning perjury, tampering with witnesses or abusing power. This is Joe Schmo down the block telling his bowling buddies that he was a loyal husband -- even if he wasn't.

Asking Monica Lewinsky -- or hinting to her -- that she might give back the gifts he had given her is, to Starr, "obstruction of justice."

Justice?

Justice for that trailer park denizen and YOUR former client, Paula Jones, for whom you drafted an amicus brief!

Justice for that piggish, self-interested media whore spokeswoman of hers!

Justice? It was an attempt to stop the "Special Inquisitor" from digging into people's private lives.

Tell me -- what possible impact did Monica and Bill's romance have on this nation?

Starr, who came up, it appears, with ZERO, had to grab onto something, anything -- and Monica was it.

We remain stunned.

If that wasn't enough, Starr stretches yet further in his claim that helping find Monica a job was an element of "obstruction of justice."

Hey Ken, friends and lovers help each other out all the time. It was you and that sorry little blackmailer Paula Jones who have made a private romance into a national disgrace. It was you that forced Monica Lewinsky to hide, to cover, to find a new job. It was you and your Gestapo buddies who did that.

Starr makes yet another lame-o argument that Clinton "abused power" by asserting his legal and constitutional rights and by challenging non-stop subpoenas to every Tom, Dick and Harry in Washington attempting to "prove" Clinton was a felon. Although he had to admit this was not criminal, and was the President's right -- Starr claims the Congress COULD interpret legitimate legal moves of his counsel as IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES!

In the parlance of teen America - GIMME A BREAK!

It's no wonder Starr delivered his 36 crates of garbage without warning and didn't even have the courage to show up to make the exchange. He was embarrassed to be there. He was precisely what the majority of Americans think he is -- a purveyor of stretched truths, super-elastic interpretation of the law, and a political hack at the beck and call of the ultra-right and Christian fundamentalists who attempt in vain to control this nation.

In truth, Starr is a disgrace to the law, a disgrace to the legal profession, and a disgrace to the Congress and judges that allowed him to proceed.

Starr, in his clawing attempt to hang something, anything, on Clinton aside from his private sexual life, strains to make a "federal case" to blow up the role of Clinton AS PRESIDENT rather than treating him as a human being, a man who did something that most men and many women do once in their lives, maybe twice -- a stupid thing, an immoral thing maybe -- but not a criminal thing, certainly not an impeachable thing.

Can Starr be allowed to provide this weak fodder to undo two presidential elections? Because that is exactly what he and his cronies are attempting to do. They are attempting, with some freak success, to destroy the President for purposes of destroying or damaging all Democrats as much as possible.

It's payback time for the Nixon years, and Starr's carrying the biggest check -- a check that he hopes will move him onto the Supreme Court.

What a laugh.

But wait!

Starr isn't through.

Yesterday he convened his grand jury AGAIN. There were no witnesses called. What should that tell you? Well, it tells us that Starr is asking the grand jury to indict some of the players in this macabre psychodrama. Most likely candidates include Betty Currie, the President's wonderful secretary who, to those of us who know her or of her, is one of the finest women to have served the White House.

Starr is also trying to bootstrap his limp allegations into getting Little Rock Judge Susan Webber Wright to hold the President in contempt for his Jones deposition testimony. Judge Webber Wright all but called Jones an extortionist. We trust she'll stand by her convictions.

More drama for the cameras, more hurt for the Clintons: this morning, Don Imus called the President a "fat slob" and the First Lady a "criminal," then reported that it might have been the President who helped with the "talking points" when he and Lewinsky allegedly discussed asking Linda Tripp -- a woman they thought was their friend -- to keep her mouth shut.

Imus, posing as a "concerned" commentator, also let one of his cracker henchman report that Chelsea Clinton was considering taking a leave from Stanford because she was so humiliated by her father. "Thanks Dad," was the slimy comment made by this toady who assists Imus on his pathetic radio show which is also broadcast on MSNBC -- because they have nothing else to air in the 6-9AM time slot. Don Imus is truly a disgusting excuse for a human being and deserves... well we'll leave that to his Maker.

Starr's pursuit of Vernon Jordan came to nothing as well. He claims Jordan "unwittingly" helped the President find Lewinsky a job -- the innuendo that the job was a pay off for her silence.

Right.

WE told you that Jordon was above all that months ago.

Starr goes so far as to say the President tried directly to find Lewinsky a job by mentioning it to an aide and that although this occurred years ago -- and before Starr began his frightening search for something, anything that would hang Clinton -- this is supposed to tantamount to some crime because the Supreme Court had allowed the Jones extortion case to go forward. And because Jones's lawyers were looking for other women linked to the President, Starr reckons that this was a high crime and misdemeanor!

The saddest part of Starr's ill logic and open partisanship is evidenced in his claim that Bill Clinton "abused" his office. The abuse charge is mentioned over and over again in a vain attempt to link Clinton to Nixon who was accused of abusing his power to cover up the Watergate burglary and other FELONIES.

Get that through your head, Ken -- NIXON AIDED AND ABETTED FELONS!!!

There's a difference, you pathetic doughboy.

Starr claims the "abuse" occurred when Clinton asserted proper legal defenses including privilege to try and help aides be excused from appearing before the grand jury -- appearance that yielded NOTHING, but cost some of these men and women hundreds of thousands in legal fees. Starr claims -- and get this one -- that because the President "ALLOWED" the secret service to fight against testifying before a grand jury this was somehow an ABUSE OF OFFICE.

Did Starr ever think that the President's actions, which cost himself a bundle, was to protect his own people from incurring huge expenses?

It couldn't get more pathetic.

Okay. We agree the President should have divorced his wife if he wanted to fool around. We agree that he shouldn't have lied and we think he should have paid off Paula Jones as she demanded rather than risk the thing he had worked all his life for. But that's it.

The majority of Americans have nothing in common with Ken Starr.

They are not little nerdy doughboys who run for high school president and serve at the altar of ultra-right conservatism.

They are not religious freaks and they don't belong to private clubs funded by Richard Mellon Scaife.

They don't earn millions of dollars each year representing tobacco companies that help kill our kids.

They don't hide evidence of wrongdoing by General Motors because GM happens to be their client.

They are not active and strident Republican operatives.

They don't engage in personal vendettas against their President.

The majority of Americans don't dig into other peoples dirt. They don't report their friends' love affairs to their friends' families or the local newspaper. If they happen to get caught by a friend or associate with someone other than their spouse, they ask that friend or associate not to say anything about it. Americans don't like hurting their spouses and their children. When they buy a gift for their lover, they cover it up by paying cash and tossing the receipt.

And, believe it or not, they still love their wives and children and eventually realize their "affairs" were a mistake.

That's what we have here.

Plain and simple.

--- The Editors