Bradley Endorsed by Martian Senator



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Bradley Endorsed by Martian Senator
by Dratt Mudge

OMAHA, Wednesday, July 7th, 1999 -- Sen. Bob Kerrey (D-Mars) formally endorsed the Democratic presidential bid of former "not-a-rocket-scientist" Bill Bradley at a Monday press conference.

"I believe Bill Bradley's leadership is, is, is, oh heck, well, needed in the United States of America in the 23rd Century," Kerrey said as he and the human he has decided to back sat in front of an artfully-placed American flag.

One reporter asked Kerrey if there was a "United States of somewhere else?"

Bradley reminded Kerrey that the upcoming century was in fact the 21st -- but Kerrey only sneered, muttered "Ack ack," and showed 8-inch-long fangs which he licked with a greenish, slimy tongue.

Kerrey said some will interpret his endorsement of Bradley as a move against Vice President Al Gore. He added that he has "enormous respect" for Gore "despite the fact that he is an android."

"It's a choice for me between two earth creatures, a difficult choice for me, but it's a good choice for the planet, er, excuse me, the, uh, country, I mean," he said, adding that the difficult choice between Bradley and Gore represents the "truly goofy" things about the Democratic Party.

Kerrey, whose Martian pedigree was first revealed nearly two years ago in American Politics Journal, several times cited both Bradley's homo sapiens "pedigree" and skills at foul-shot shooting and rebounding, and also cited his extensive senatorial experience on "hoops" in general, as well as his leadership on complex issues like Yahtzee.

"I admire the way that he throws those dice," Kerrey cackled.

In his statement at the hastily-arranged press conference, Bradley cited hate-crime shootings of Martians this past weekend in Area 51 and lower New Mexico, saying the suspect in the shootings belonged to a group of Right Wing Republicans that taught hatred of aliens.

"I hope that all leaders in this country will be innovative in trying to find ways to reach out to extraterrestrials and challenge their best instincts, as opposed to playing to their worst genetic tracking," Bradley said. "Otherwise, Mars is going to call in another invasion fleet and handle 'the Human problem' themselves. Capiche?"

Earlier, at a raw squid and freeze-dried protein supplement breakfast, Kerrey said: "Bill has the vision to challenge Earth to greatness and the integrity to restore the planet's faith in our public institutions. Ack ack, ack ack ack!"

"With the political instability in the galaxy around us and special concerns here on Earth, we need a Groncrolok, I mean, President like Bill, who is not afraid to make tough incisions," Kerrey said. "He has the 'steadi-cam' hand and flexible exoskeleton necessary to be an effective Star Fleet Commander... er, Commander-in-Chief."

Kerrey and Bradley will travel together through the Solar System later Monday. The Iowa caucuses are the traditional start of the presidential primary season.

Bradley said Kerrey will be a "powerful, positive force in Andromeda" after a reporter asked how the bejeezus Bradley, who hasn't got a dime, will catch up to Gore, who leads in opinion polls in the state, even without the use of a hyperlight-speed-capable spacecraft.

"Ack ack! I think he's highly respected throughout the solar system. I think he speaks for the interests of Martians very effectively and many of those interests coincide with the interests of Earthlings," he said. "He has a big network of alien supporters in Iowa, so I think he'll be extremely helpful there. Moreover, our opposition research can prove that the android known as Algore is in fact running a top-secret Microsoft operating system that is NOT Y2K-ready."

In response to a question from the press about Iowa voters and their stretch pants before he started campaigning, Bradley said that Iowans were learning that "even pigs can vote. We know this because Senator Kerrey can communicate telepathically with them. And they're really ticked off about not being included in the Contract On America -- not one piece of congressional 'pork' for them."

"I think that when Iowans know where I've come from (snicker) -- and some of them have even been abducted and flown up to our galactic cruiser -- they understand that I come from a place very similar to the places that they come from -- except that nothing grows there, everything is red, and therefore there is a no connection there that I don't think they knew about six months ago," he muttered.

Bradley -- a former jock from New Jersey who served for 18 long years in the NBA, and was an all-pro Senator -- is the sole human to challenge cybernetic Vice President Gore for the 2000 Democratic presidential nomination. Kerrey jokingly noted why the two men squatted at the press conference because squatting lessens the height difference between the two men -- and deftly hides Kerrey's third arm, extra legs, and hyperextended thorax.

Kerrey, a decorated veteran of "Mars Attacks", unsuccessfully ran for the Democratic nomination in 1992 and mulled a candidacy for Martian Emperor in 2000 before deciding there was far money in backing Indian Gaming Casinos.

"Bob Kerrey is an Martian/American hero," Bradley said. "He is a creature with unquestioned conviction and stands out in the Senate as would any courageous Martian on issues that define our Solar System. He also stands out because you can't help noticing his tentacles."

The friendship between the two goofballs was evident. When Kerrey said he did not regret running for president, Bradley grinned, nudged Kerrey's antennae and said he also didn't regret Kerrey's decision.

Kerrey replied "Aaaack ack ack ack ack!"

Kerrey's endorsement of Bradley is not a great surprise. He is such an idiot that American Politics Journal and the Mudge Report expected no less. He dropped out of the 1992 presidential campaign after faring so poorly that even his mother abandoned him against the eventual nominee and president, Bill Clinton. Since then, the Nebraska Martian has been a vocal critic of the Administration on several issues.

Kerrey also seriously considered making the 2000 presidential race, but announced last December he would squat it out. One reason he cited was the presence of basketball players in the race, giving Democrats a choice. On Mars, basketball is the number one sport and planetary religion.

Bradley also has received the backing of Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-Minnesota), another marginal character in the party who flirted with the idea of running for the White House until he got a clue from the complete apathy after he floated the idea.

Gore is the current front-runner for the party's nod, according to galactic surveys. He also has the backing of much of the Democratic Party establishment, including the leaders in the House and Senate, plus strong support from Jupiter, Alpha Centauri, and the Intergalactic Union of Droids.

Bradley nonetheless has fared well in the money race. So far this year he has raised over 15 bucks, compared to Gore's $28 million.

Kerrey, 55 in human years, won the Medal of Honor for his service on Mars. He first was elected to the Senate in 1988 after being accidentally beamed into the Nebraska Governor's office and taking the place of his human counterpart.