Is Bob Kerrey an Alien

Is Bob Kerrey an Alien?

Wednesday, June 25th, 1997 -- The US Air Force added another log to its bonfire of incompetence as it once again tried in vain to quash "Alien Invader" stories emanating like so much swamp gas from Roswell, New Mexico for the past 50 years.

Colonel John Haynes, an Air Force spokesman took a whole lot of ribbing yesterday as he presented the glossy "Roswell Report: Case Closed" to a group of laughing reporters.

Haynes is a good closing act from the guys that brought you Agent Orange, the almost Joint Chiefs of Staff sexcapades, and the absolute truth that chemical weapons were not used in the Gulf War.

The Air Force explains away the reports of Roswell witnesses that they saw dead aliens in the desert by pointing to something called "Project High Dive" which dropped 200 pound dummies from weather balloons and airplanes to see what would happen to them. Colonel Haynes says the dummies, after obvious mutilation caused by 20 mile high falls, might look like aliens to residents.

Sure.

Haynes went on to talk about a serviceman that crashed in a test balloon near Roswell. It seems the fellow suffered "cranial swelling" which might account for the description of the aliens having largish heads!

Now a new problem surfaces for the Air Force. How will it explain that the dummy tests were conducted in 1953 -- six years after the Roswell "incident?"

Certainly Colonel Haynes couldn't.

Maureen Dowd, the incisive and highly amusing columnist, wrote the best piece on the inane press conference this morning. Ms Dowd, tongue in cheek, suggests that aliens actually control the government and are nervous about the recent rise in American interest in out-of-this-world life forms. She points to House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt as meeting one eye-witness account of what the Roswell aliens looked like: "They were very good looking people, ash-colored faces and skin… about five feet five tall, eyes a little more pronounced, small ears, small nose, fine features, hairless."

Ms. Dowd also yuks it up alleging that Senator Bob Kerry matches the big-eyed, bulbous head creature featured on the cover of Time, and asks whether anyone truly believes that Janet Reno or James Carville were born on earth.

I want to know -- who's running public relations at the Pentagon? Whoever it is should be shipped out, forthwith, on the next space shuttle. Spending a few hundred thousand dollars on a "report" which proves nothing is sin enough. Fueling the fire of a controversy cooked up by a bunch of desert wackos and the Roswell Chamber of Commerce is inexcusable.

It's time the Air Force calls a nut a nut and stops treating these alien conspiracists as a serious threat to American culture. After all, we already know the truth -- from Heaven's Gate!