"Weird Al" Greenspan says:
The Party May Be Over

Thursday, May 15th 1997 -- Circle May 20th on your calendar.

That's the day the most powerful man in the world, "Weird Al" Greenspan, decides whether to sock it to us by raising interest rates -- yet again -- in his battle to fight the menace of creeping yet invisible inflation. According to sources within the Federal Reserve Community, "as economic growth grows, risks of inflation are growing."

Talk is that Greenspan is leaning toward hiking the rate at least another quarter point because of several factors:

• Demand in growth is increasing [translation: People want to buy more stuff];
• People are borrowing more and more [translation: People want to borrow more to buy more stuff];
• The stock market may remain over-valued [translation: Stocks ain't worth their price];
• Workers are more confident [translation: Workers are spending more because they think their jobs are safe];
• Companies have been able to hold the line on labor costs, but this can't last [translation: They cut medical care to offset demand for higher wages -- now what do they do?]; and
• The strong dollar has kept import prices low [translation: But now the yen is coming back and could help to fuel inflation].

But: There are signs the economy is slowing, which would allow interest rates to remain low:

• The rate of economic growth is down from 5.6.% last quarter to around 4.9% now;
• Auto sales are down;
• Factory orders are in the dumpster; and
• Jobs growth has ebbed.

Well, that's 6-to-4 favoring an interest rate hike.

Here's what Greenspan, exhausted after his spicy honeymoon, said last week: "Should the expected slowing in the growth of demand fail to materialize, we would need to address any emerging pressures in product and credit markets."

Translation: "Hey, people! Stop spending! Sell your stocks! Give your raises back to your employer!! Stop borrowing and using credit cards. Buy some yen and deutschmarks! In short, throw the country into a recession! That way I, "Weird Al" Greenspan, can rest easy and let interest rates alone!"

The moral of this story? When an old man marries a young attractive blonde - watch out!

© 1998, 1997, American Politics Journal Publications Inc.