by Dave "Doctor" Gonzo

"Starr's Attacks" -- Original Movie
Poster by Mac MacArthur
Monday, April 26, 1999 --- New York (APJP) -- It was last year's most exciting thriller for political junkies like The Doc.

It had everything -- a right wing prosecutor for Mars who "came ack ack ack in peace" to "find the ack ack ack ack truth" and "uphold ack ack the rule ack ack of law," then tried to blow up the Constitution. It had sex. It had members of the President's staff, whose attention should have been focused on making our great nation even greater, shanghaied and put under oath by a puny invasion force, interrogated about the President's private life. It had more sex. It had heroic legislators struggling against a band of extraterrestrial-sounding goons who invaded the Senate with their "Forbidden Planet" prosecution of Bill Clinton. It had yet more sex.

And, of course, it had as its real stars a populace enraged by the injustice, destruction, and carnage visited upon our nation and our society by neo-fascist space cadets who actually believed they could fool America into thinking that extorted so-called "perjury" was reason enough to remove the man who closed the deficit, worked so hard to see peace come to the Middle East, Northern Ireland, Bosnia and other corners of the world, has championed emerging democracies, and raised America's global prestige from the White House.

Did I forget to mention the sex?

Well, sports fans, like many of you, The Doc had hoped that the final chapter had been written with the exoneration of William Jefferson Clinton by the Senate, and that Starr would board his flying saucer and return to Virginia to defend the rights of those poor, tragically persecuted tobacco companies, whose lethal product brought the premature death of two of The Doc's beloved grandparents, along with literally millions of other Americans

No such luck. The bad news: the sequel has begun.

The good news; the title is Starr's Attacks II -- The Witnesses Strike Back.

Here's the plot to date, for those of you who have been too busy being spoon-fed the latest from Belgrade or Littleton:

A jury found Susan MacDougal, who had been jailed by Our Favorite Martian (Not) for refusing to lie about William Jefferson Clinton, not guilty of obstruction of justice -- a sentence which could not have been reached unless that very same jury concluded that Starr and his office were guilty of targeting Bill and Hillary Clinton for political reasons and by any means at their disposal -- including falsified testimony.

Can anyone say "subornation of perjury?"

A couple of days later, Starr made a pathetic appearance before the Senate to request that the Independent Counsel statute be given the Jack Kevorkian treatment. His vigorous testimony against the statute ("ack ack ack constitutionally dubious... ack ack ack corruption in high places ack ack ack will be reliably monitored... we are duty bound ack ack as law officers to faithfully ack ack enforce it and ack as cheerfully ack as we can") just plain didn't square with his zealous excesses.

Can anyone say "interplanetary hypocrite?"

Guess the words "rule of law" mean something different on Mars -- because just three days later, Starr said that he might turn over part of his investigation to the Justice Department in an interview with the Associated Press -- and hinted he may "promote" a few of his aides.

But these so-called "promotions" were the result of three of Starr's invasion force jumping ship. You would not have heard it amongst the Kosovo and Littleton din, but there are some major rumors in the Beltway that at least two of these extraterrestrial life forms are the targets of an investigation by the Department of Justice!

And Starr, who has had little success outside of the handful of friendly courts he has been able to control with his Federalist Society Mind Ray, has a new mess on his hands: earlier today, the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Richmond, Virginia decided to expedite a news media request for the unsealing of polygraph test results and other evidence gathered for Starr's case involving presidential accuser Kathleen Willey. The court gave Starr's office until May 3 to show cause as to why some documents in the upcoming trial of Virginia woman Julie Hiatt Steele should be kept off the public record.

This could spell hell-on-Mars for Starr. Mark Geragos, the attorney for Susan McDougal, has contended that Willey failed a lie detector test and more than hinted that the results support the contention by Steele that Willey asked her to lie -- and Starr's staff retaliated by indicting Steele and threatening to break up her family. First McDougal, then Steele -- how many more people were given the intergalactic thumbscrew treatment? And remember, we're not just talking the Lewinsky flap -- we're talking squeezing witnesses in the original so-called scandal, Whitewater.

The most obvious conclusion -- if there's no there there, put the pressure on witnesses to put some there you know where, until something comes along to pin on the President out of his private life. Like a semen-stained blue dress.

Of course, I have to side with the comedian (was it Bill Maher?) who theorized that the stain was already there when Monica borrowed the Gap number from George Stephanopoulos (I wish I had come up with that line).

Now available! APJ's official Starr's Attacks bumper sitcker! Only $3.00

But I digress.

This sequel is starting to get real interesting. And I haven't even mentioned the multiple investigations that have been launched into Starr's conduct -- the most perilous of which is the D.C. Bar Association investigation that could cost him his law license.

The only thing missing: no sex. Oh, well, you can't have everything, I guess!

'Nuff said.