The Jones v. Clinton Soap — A Continuing Serial Saga from American Politics Journal

Chapter II:
Paula Reveals Her Multiple Personalities!
FROM THIS…TO THIS…TO THIS?…

You be the judge. Is Paula Jones for Real?

Popping the pill, she relaxed under the knowing hands of Paulo and began fighting one of her multiple personalities who manifested themselves in eerie ways. She fought off "the girls" as she called them, but one emerged as the amphetamine took hold. She began squirming and screaming "I'm drowning, I'm drowning" thrashing her arms and legs. Paulo lost control and Paula sprung from the table like a frog on a griddle.

Susan Carpenter McBimbo heard the commotion, crushed her Virginia Slim under her spiked heel and rushed to the RV.

"What the hell is going on here." she snapped.

"I dunno, I dunno," sputtered Paulo.

Paula continued what looked like a latter day frug and kept moaning and gurgling as if drowning.

"Get her on the floor!," shrieked Carpenter MacMillan, "Get the defibrulators ready! Oh my God, Oh my God, Paula, Paula, wake up, wake up."

Paula's eyes snapped open. She was almost serene.

"Susan dear, please fetch me my robe darling, I'm a bit chilled," whispered Jones with a sultry tone.

"Oh shit! Goddam it! She's changed again. The weirdo's changed! Oh my God!... Okay, calm down. Alright Paula, who are you THIS time?"

Jones turned and sat in her beauty shop chair, sort of knock kneed in the fashion of every prepster girl from Marble Head to Washington.

Who the heck am I anyway?

"I am Paula, Susan dear -- Paula Jo Kopeckne. You remember. I'm here to get pay-back on the Kennedys.

"Sure, Paula Jo, and I actually graduated from USC!," sneered Carpenter McMillan.

"Look Susie, didn't they used to call you "Gonnorhea Girl" at college? I heard you "blew" your way to the bottom and then remade yourself just like you're trying to remake Paula. But it didn't work did it? You're still a drop-out, your own Anti-Abortion group fired you because they found out you were a hypocrite, and your husband is, well, "fossilized" might be a good term," crooned Paula Jo, "The only reason I',m allowing Paula Jones to take this action against President Clinton is to get back at the Kennedys -- and not Ted Kennedy either. He wasn't driving the car that night in Chappaquidick. He took the fall for someone else in the family. But like Paula, I don't care who pays-da-money - I just wanna Range Rover."

Susan Carpenter McBimbo nearly collapsed. How did Paula Jo Kopeckne Jones know about the "Gonnorhea Girl" moniker she earned at USC? Did she know how she came on to her acting classmates Dad? -- the one who kicked her in the crotch for it and off the stage at rehearsal at USC one afternoon?

She took stock. "Okay Paula Jo, we'll play it your way. What do you want me to do?

Paula Jo began rubbing her ankle in kind of a sexy way.

"Well, let's start with raising the ante. This trailer park bimbette Paula Jones thinks $700 thousand is a lot of money. Great. Let her have it. But I need at least a million for myself. You want $300 thousand. So, let's call those moron Christian mouthpieces and get them to amend Jones' complaint asking for at least $2 million."

Susan tapped her toe, thinking out loud, "$2 million. Okay. But I want 40% - that's $800 thousand, not a penny less."

"$600 thousand and that's my last offer, otherwise I pull the plug on Jones."

"How would you do that Mary Jo, I mean Paula Jo?"

"Don't ask. But it wouldn't be pretty. All I have to do is deny her that extra-huge can of AquaNet and she'll fall apart. You know that as well as I do. Now look, I've prepared a press release. I want it out on the wire in 10 minutes -- no ifs, ands or buts!"

Press Release

Contact: Susan Carpenter McBimbo

1-800-BimboWhore

Jones seeks $2 Million and An Apology in Clinton sex case

Paula Jones is now demanding $2 million and an apology from President Clinton to settle her sexual harassment lawsuit against him, one of her lawyers said Monday. Jones claims she's been possessed by the spirit of dead senate "aide" Mary Jo Kopeckne, now calling herself "Paula Jo Kopeckne," said Dallas-based attorney David "The Spike" Pyke. Pyke added that Jones' Christian Legal Team -- dubbed "Jesus Freaks for Justice" presented her new cash demand -- which is almost three times what she originally asked for -- in a formal settlement proposal, but that President Clinton had not yet responded. "We have made a settlement offer, settlement demands to which the president has refused to make a counteroffer," Pyke told reporters.

The president and Paula Jones / Paula Jo Kopeckne are expected to meet face-to-face soon because Clinton must give sworn testimony in the lawsuit and Jones/Kopeckne has vowed to be there when he does. Jones/Kopeckne initially sought $700,000 when she filed her sexual harassment lawsuit against Clinton in 1994 but Spike Pyke said rapidly rising "attorneys' fees" had pushed up the price tag of any acceptable settlement deal. "This has dragged on and on," he said. "They have run "us" up to the Supreme Court and back. The attorneys' fees are huge." Jones alleges that Clinton, who was then governor of Arkansas, exposed himself to her and asked her for oral sex inside a Little Rock hotel room during a state government conference in May, 1991. Jones was a state employee at the time. She claimed Clinton told her to keep quiet about the incident after she refused his advances, and that she was later intimidated and denied job promotions.

Clinton has repeatedly said he never sexually harassed her or any other woman, and that he does not even recall having met Jones. Spike Pyke declined to reveal when Jones' written settlement proposal was sent to Clinton but said its main demands were a $2 million payment and an apology. "In a vague and general way, without getting into details on language, we want something that is pretty close to an apology, if not an outright apology," Pyke said. Clinton was tentatively scheduled to give sworn testimony in the lawsuit Saturday. Pyke said he was not sure when the deposition would take place, but insisted that Jones would be on hand. "She will be at the deposition whenever it occurs." Clinton's attorney

Robert Bennett has said his client "will not apologize for something he didn't do", and also accused Jones and her conservative supporters of trying only to humiliate the president. Bennett was not available for comment on Monday. The case is scheduled to go to trial in May. The Dallas-based law firm of Rader, Campbell, Fisher and Pyke was hired by Jones last September after her original lawyers asked to be pulled from the case because of differences over whether to settle it out of court. Pyke declined to say whether he expected Clinton to settle the lawsuit, and also refused to detail what compromise Jones might be prepared to accept if the president made an offer. "We will react by making a counteroffer or not making a counteroffer as would be appropriate, but I don't want to negotiate in the press," Pyke said.

McBimbo read the copy and thought to herself. "Hmmmm. Not bad. We can use that sorry-ass Priest-Poser loser attorney to jack up the ante on Clinton. I just KNOW they'll settle. Maybe we should make it $3 million, how bout $5 million... God, this is great."

McMillan ran out of the trailer over to the Jones "Communication Van" which was a converted VW Vanogen - Circa 1967. She faxed the release to AP, UPI and Reuters (even though UPI doesn't exist). She also faxed a copy to Spike Pyke and the rest of the legal "team."

She ran out of the van, spun around like a dervish and into a January downpour and began to sing, "Don't Rain on My Parade" ala Barbara Streisand.

But inside Paula's rented RV, things were taking a turn for the worse...

Click here for Chapter III

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